Checking in
Hey all... just checking in. Thanks so much for all your support.... it's getting me through minute by minute.
I ended up at the psychiatric hospital last night again.... ashamed and embarrassed. I was blessed to get the BEST and very CARING doctor.... who sat with me for a long time and told me that the manic, crazy and irrational emotions I feel are absolutely normal in a trauma case. He said the brain is trying to make sense of a situation that is senseless... it is taking a lot of energy to sift through everything it knows to be "normal" and is not finding a solution to the situation. Therefore, the brain wears down and I start feeling the manic and even suicidal feelings that I am so unaccustomed to feeling. This technical explanation really helped me. I guess he understood where I was coming from in terms of being a "do-it-myselfer."
They gave me a new drug.... the last time I was there they gave me something that didn't work. I do not like taking pain or any kind of meds, but if I don't at this point, I WILL surely go insane. This whole situation is so much more complicated than the night it happened... I am dealing with how public this situation is because of the board, contacting those close to him and retelling the story a hundred times and feeling as if I have to try to justify myself somehow, etc, etc. One thing I've learned is that people show their TRUE colors when a person is struggling... man oh man what a life lesson. I learned that not everyone has to be your friend... and nor SHOULD everyone be. Age has nothing to do with how much some people really need to GROW UP.
Day one was today on the drug and I haven't felt like crawling out of my own skin like before. There's a flickering light of hope once in a while.
Thank you all for your continuous support.... from meeting with me, calling me, texting me, PMing me, Facebooking me, sending me cards... I am truly amazed at the support I am getting. It's not part of my upbringing to get this kind of support so my mom is extremely amazed at the outpour. And to be honest, I need and am feeding off every nice message, every nice gesture, every smily face. I realized I have to accept that this isn't going to be the same as when I slowly watched my best friend die from cancer. The doctors at the clinic made me understand that this is true trauma and that, especially with suicide, the road to recovery is extremely slow and often painful. I hate it.... I hate losing control... hate being crazy... hate my life (even though I love it more than anything at the same time).... I hate that I have to go through this and keep asking, "Why me?" I hate a lot of things and it's so unlike me.
I'm sorry for venting.... I can't sleep. Tomorrow I plan to go to a 'survivors of suicide' group. I am scared and embarrassed but it's time for me to swallow my pride and go. I swallowed my pride the day I walked into the bariatric info session at 300+ lbs. I surely can do this too. I took my power back from obesity... I need to take my power back here too. I don't know if I have the strength, but I keep saying the Serenity Prayer over and over in my head:
Please don't feel obligated to reply. I just wanted to post this for those that are being so extremely supportive.... I have people from all over the place... people I've never even talked to... reaching out. Each and every one of you has helped me keep my sanity. I do not underestimate the importance of even ONE message or phone call.
I ended up at the psychiatric hospital last night again.... ashamed and embarrassed. I was blessed to get the BEST and very CARING doctor.... who sat with me for a long time and told me that the manic, crazy and irrational emotions I feel are absolutely normal in a trauma case. He said the brain is trying to make sense of a situation that is senseless... it is taking a lot of energy to sift through everything it knows to be "normal" and is not finding a solution to the situation. Therefore, the brain wears down and I start feeling the manic and even suicidal feelings that I am so unaccustomed to feeling. This technical explanation really helped me. I guess he understood where I was coming from in terms of being a "do-it-myselfer."
They gave me a new drug.... the last time I was there they gave me something that didn't work. I do not like taking pain or any kind of meds, but if I don't at this point, I WILL surely go insane. This whole situation is so much more complicated than the night it happened... I am dealing with how public this situation is because of the board, contacting those close to him and retelling the story a hundred times and feeling as if I have to try to justify myself somehow, etc, etc. One thing I've learned is that people show their TRUE colors when a person is struggling... man oh man what a life lesson. I learned that not everyone has to be your friend... and nor SHOULD everyone be. Age has nothing to do with how much some people really need to GROW UP.
Day one was today on the drug and I haven't felt like crawling out of my own skin like before. There's a flickering light of hope once in a while.
Thank you all for your continuous support.... from meeting with me, calling me, texting me, PMing me, Facebooking me, sending me cards... I am truly amazed at the support I am getting. It's not part of my upbringing to get this kind of support so my mom is extremely amazed at the outpour. And to be honest, I need and am feeding off every nice message, every nice gesture, every smily face. I realized I have to accept that this isn't going to be the same as when I slowly watched my best friend die from cancer. The doctors at the clinic made me understand that this is true trauma and that, especially with suicide, the road to recovery is extremely slow and often painful. I hate it.... I hate losing control... hate being crazy... hate my life (even though I love it more than anything at the same time).... I hate that I have to go through this and keep asking, "Why me?" I hate a lot of things and it's so unlike me.
I'm sorry for venting.... I can't sleep. Tomorrow I plan to go to a 'survivors of suicide' group. I am scared and embarrassed but it's time for me to swallow my pride and go. I swallowed my pride the day I walked into the bariatric info session at 300+ lbs. I surely can do this too. I took my power back from obesity... I need to take my power back here too. I don't know if I have the strength, but I keep saying the Serenity Prayer over and over in my head:
Please don't feel obligated to reply. I just wanted to post this for those that are being so extremely supportive.... I have people from all over the place... people I've never even talked to... reaching out. Each and every one of you has helped me keep my sanity. I do not underestimate the importance of even ONE message or phone call.
Elena:
Thank you for posting this. It is really no surprise that you are getting alot of support from people. What goes around, comes around and you have been going around supporting people, so the circle becomes complte when you get the support you need. I am glad that you sought help last night. It sounds like you may have found a path back to wellness.
Take care,
RP
Thank you for posting this. It is really no surprise that you are getting alot of support from people. What goes around, comes around and you have been going around supporting people, so the circle becomes complte when you get the support you need. I am glad that you sought help last night. It sounds like you may have found a path back to wellness.
Take care,
RP
One day at a time...
I am blessed to get to say I know you and can call you a friend!
Keep reaching out...your friends are here for you! 
Elena, I haven't been fortunate enough to meet you in person, but I've seen all your motivational and positive posts on this board, and your pictures of your beautiful transformation. You have been a help to so many of us, and now it's our turn. I have followed this sad story on this board, and I am just so very sorry that you have had to go through this. I have prayed for you and everyone involved every day and will continue to do so. You are very brave and wise for getting the help you need, and I hope you will continue to do so. This is your time to take care of you and allow everyone else to help as much as you want and need. I'm going to keep praying, knowing that you are going to get through this in time. God bless you, dear.
Elena -
I have been thinking of you and your situation quite a bit the last week or so. So tragic and so sad for you and your friend Mike. Know that people are thinking of you and praying for you - many fold more than is publicly expressed.
You have such a huge support network - what a blessing! Take care of yourself and take it one step at a time. I have learned that recovery from a trauma is a process that can't be rushed or ignored even though we all wish we could make it easier and faster.
Take care of yourself.
Amelia
I have been thinking of you and your situation quite a bit the last week or so. So tragic and so sad for you and your friend Mike. Know that people are thinking of you and praying for you - many fold more than is publicly expressed.
You have such a huge support network - what a blessing! Take care of yourself and take it one step at a time. I have learned that recovery from a trauma is a process that can't be rushed or ignored even though we all wish we could make it easier and faster.
Take care of yourself.
Amelia
I don't know the whole story about what happened, but I have been thinking about you and praying for you.
Don't be ashamed and embarassed about the psych hospital. What a brave thing to do! I'm so happy that you were able to get a doctor who was understanding and could help you.
It will take time to heal, and it probably seems impossible right now, but things will get better and easier. Continue to surround yourself with the people who love you and the people you love.
Don't be ashamed and embarassed about the psych hospital. What a brave thing to do! I'm so happy that you were able to get a doctor who was understanding and could help you.
It will take time to heal, and it probably seems impossible right now, but things will get better and easier. Continue to surround yourself with the people who love you and the people you love.
Elena - So glad you are seeking and accepting the support and caring of others, as well as the health care system. You are smart for doing that. All the best to you in this tough journey.
Mary
"Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you CAN do." John Wooden
I'm down 120 pounds - thanks to RNY! Working on the next 25. Then I'll tackle more...
"Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you CAN do." John Wooden
I'm down 120 pounds - thanks to RNY! Working on the next 25. Then I'll tackle more...
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