I Want Things To Be My Way Right Now!! (long)

I Want Things To Be My Way Right Now!!

During my journey I have been a model of perpetual impatience.  It took me forever to decide that I wanted to pursue having weight loss surgery, then I suddenly wanted things to move along at breakneck speed.  I remember getting frustrated with having to wait for my first consult with the surgical program, then again when I scheduled appointments with the dietician and bariatric psychologist.  My health insurance provider required a 4 month medically supervised weight loss program before I would qualify for surgery.  Aaaargh! 

I did practice post-surgery habits that I would need, including a protein-rich diet, adequate fluid intake and timing, chewing my food, taking chewable multi-vitamins, and getting into a regular exercise routine during those 4 long months.  I also gave up caffeinated soft drinks and simple carbs during that time.  Even though I became increasingly impatient for my surgery to actually happen, those months were a godsend because I started actually taking care of myself day in and day out.  By the time I got to meet with my surgeon, I had lost more than 40 pounds and felt ready to move along to the next phase of my life.  He scheduled surgery 3 weeks from the day of our meeting.  I would rather it had been 3 days.  The week before my surgery I felt myself falling to pieces, riddled with anxiety and worry.  I spoke on the phone with one of my dear OH friends and she calmed me down.  On the day of surgery I was relaxed to the point of needing to have my pulse rate checked twice because it was so low.  My surgery went perfectly with no complications.

Unlike many others, I wasn’t hungry at all during the liquid and pureed food phases for the first three weeks after surgery. However, I had little energy during those weeks and wondered if I would always feel so tired.  That, too, passed.  Once I was back on solid foods, the constipation began.  I really, really wanted to poop, but that was not to be a regularly scheduled experience for some months.  I remember literally praying to the poop gods to get the bricks stuck in my colon out of me.  Even though the weight and my clothes were literally falling off of me, it was not a happy time because my bowels were not doing what I wanted them to do when I wanted them to do it.

After trying different things, I finally developed a protein fiber bar recipe that I adapted from a body building website.  I was finally getting in enough fiber for my new plumbing and diet to work properly.  However, at about 6 months out, my rapid weight loss slowed to a crawl and I was again frustrated that no amount of extra exercise or any diet adjustments seemed to make much difference.  I simply couldn’t accept that my BMI was 35 pounds higher than the top of the chart for men of my height.  For that reason, I didn’t take time to fully celebrate that I was down more than 140 pounds from my maximum weight.  It didn’t matter that I felt great or that people complimented me on how I looked, that number was higher than I thought it should be and it pissed me off.

It was at that point that I noticed people looking at me and not looking away, including women.  At first I thought that I had something on my face or hanging out of my nose.  But no, they were looking at me.  I wasn’t invisible any more.  Even the turkey wattle on my neck where my double (OK, triple) chin used to be didn’t dissuade them from looking.  My family bought me clothes that actually fit (although the sizes seemed way too small for someone like me) and the compliments and encouragement increased more yet.  People started treating me differently, seeking out my opinion, and engaging me in chit chat more often.  How could they do that?  I was still the same person, just thinner.

It was several months before I realized that I had changed on the inside as well as the outside.  I was more confident, more outgoing in that I actually talked to people sometimes, and in better shape.  People sought me out for diet and exercise advice.  I couldn’t tell them that I still saw the fat guy in the mirror, that I just didn’t see what they were seeing.  Even some of my fellow OHers, people who didn’t know me when I was bigger, treated me like I had always been thinner, mistaking my outer appearance and willingness to write about my inner journey as indicators that I was someone that I am, in fact, not.  How could they begin to know who I was when I didn’t know myself?

For months after my weight stabilized I would still wear clothes that were too big and that covered most of my body.  With the onset of warmer weather, I just got too warm during my lunch time walks and I had to force myself to wear a muscle shirt and shorts as well as taking a shower in the Company locker room.  For more than a month I felt like I might as well have walked around naked.  I felt so conspicuous and out of place, even though I didn’t look significantly different from most of the people I saw walking, jogging or biking during their own lunch breaks.  After awhile I guess I just got used to it, to having people notice me, not as an oddity, but as part of the normal human landscape.

Without the emotional comfort of food, I began to feel things more fully.  The good, the bad and the ugly were all there, just waiting for me.  It quickly became apparent that I had been eating to smother my frustrations at work and at home.  Once I could see what those frustrations were, I wanted my life to change right then and there…I contemplated a radical life-ectomy.  I wanted the intense negative feelings I had to go away without turning to alcohol or bad eating behavior to numb myself, and it left me wanting to leave my current life to escape those feelings.  I didn’t want to think things through, to act out of love, or to face those things that led me to obesity. 

Over the course of several months, I let my frustration, impatience and fear of my own demons build until I felt my emotions swirling out of control a few weeks ago.  Thankfully, my support groups, my OH friends, and my bariatric psychologist helped me to step back and look at where my impatience and denial left me….skidding toward the brink of depression or worse.  Gaining that fresh perspective has been humbling.  Even though I still need to make changes in my life, probably radical at work and much less so at home, I can’t force them on an overly-aggressive schedule if I want outcomes that are workable in the long run.  I am hoping that a more patient, thoughtful approach to change will lead me toward a greater sense of inner peace, a feeling that has thus far eluded me in life.

 RP