I'm a jerk...Frustrated at myself.

:Ya so, why did I do that?  I ate lunch...um...that's what I call it only because of the time of day.  I ate 4 big bowls of cereal.  For breakfast I had 2 slices of cold meat pizza. (Sent the rest to work with Roger)  Last night we argued about money.  Today I'm fine, I thought.  But I feel out of control.  This scares me because I don't want to come back to this when I'm out 18 months or so.  Maintenance scares me because I'm scared of me..today.

I know a lot of you have been through surgery.  I've not had it yet, but shouldn't I be trying NOT to eat so lousy? 

I am walking around feeling blank.  Roger's comment about my surgery made me twist his words and take it way to personally.  Now from that reaction I'm feeling upset about surgery.  We both agree about the health issues...but I feel like a failure.

To be perfectly honest...can I be honest?...when Roger made the comment about surgery taking a lot of money from us and we have to plan better, it made me think of the surgery as a selfish thing, almost like "fine, I won't have it then...but then what?". 

I'm rambling, but trying to be honest in this whirlwind.  I can't believe the ups and downs I have been going through preop...what will I be like postop??  LOL...Will you OHers throw me to the wolves?

I know you won't (hope you won't) but eesh...so many levels to this surgery thing!!  Who'd a thunk it?

Thanks for letting me rant.

Teresa:

Even though it impacts those around us and our pocketbooks, the decision to have surgery is a very personal one.  Many, if not most of the people I know who have had weight loss surgery are very giving people.  They tend to put other people's needs and concerns above their own, often to their own detriment.  My own experience has been that I have had to learn to be more self-focused, to put myself somewhere on the priority list at least.  It doesn't make you selfish, but it can be a big change for the people in your life and for you.  Their objections to surgery, whether expressed through concerns about your safety, the cost of surgery, or other worries may really be about their fears of losing the comfort of having someone close to them who is so giving.  Since I don't know you or your cir****tances, I can't begin to guess what precipitated the comments that upset you.

You sought the comfort and solace of food when you were upset.  You are far from alone in having that experience as a pre-op, including me.  The thing is that you learn as you go and sometimes it can be painful to face things and people in our lives without the comfort of being able to consume a large quantity of food when they upset us.  I had worries about lapsing back into depression after surgery, so I started seeing the psychoogist who did my psych evaluation before surgery.  I am still seeing her 16 months later and it has been worth it for me.  If you are concerned about your relationship to food when you get upset, seeing a bariatric psychologist might be helpful to you.

Anyway, take one day at a time, forgive yourself your own food trespasses, and things will get better.

Take care ,

RP

Teresa, I'm a pre-op too. I can totally relate to being somewhat of an emotional eater. It's awesome that you recognize what's going on. Don't beat yourself up too bad. Like RP said you might want to consider talking to someone about the emo eating, (I'm thinking about it too.) I know I am trying to NOT eat so lousy and yet, I find I do once in awhile anyway. You said it made you feel like surgery was a selfish thing but, what if you passed on it and then became ill? That could and would be a whole lot more expensive!
just my .02
Candy

Teresa,  (((((Hugs)))))))

I understand emotional eating, just like the other posters.  Try journaling your feelings, thoughss and the foods.  Consider seeing a bariatric counselor,  Even come here and write before taking the first bite.  We all got into the obese boat one way or another and are here for mutual support.  It is hard to put ourselves first.

Hugs, Kathy

edited to add ps.

PS.  Quit kicking yourself in the butt over things that are past.  Take another first step with the food monster, only this time you lead in the dance instead of follow the leader.  Think positive.  "I can", "I will" statements.  Hugs, Kathy

Sweetie - you are not a jerk.   Sounds like pretty normal to me.  WLS does take a lot of money; I know because I'm a self pay still owing my poor ol' Dad.   The fact is, being sick or diabetic or having an enlarged heart from sleep apnea also are costly.  So is being turned down for life insurance for being obese.   It happened to me at less than 200 pounds.   My mother's extended illnesses as she reached her 70s were costly, but the largest price paid was missing out on the retirement trips and fun family activities.  The pain for her and all of us was enormous.   So. . don't let that happen to you.   GET HEALTHY and you will regain all you spent doing so.   Your family will also reap the benefits.  You will improve the quality of life for ALL of you!

You're stressed, so is Roger.  At this point, take all comments with a grain of salt.   Get back on your "clean living" program and you will do fine!    I'm scared of maintenance, too, but am going to worry about that when the time comes and not before!

Rant away, new friend.   I see very few people actually thrown to the wolves on this board!

Tuna

The comments you made about your mother are so reflective of my mother in her 70's.  I am comforted by what you wrote about that.

Insurance does cover the greatest portion of the surgery, or I wouldn't be able to have it, but there is still the amount left over and we certainly feel the heaviness of that load like it was multiplied many times over.

I am encouraged about all of you here on OH reminding me about being Healthy! 

I went to the dr today and found that I am going thru the "scared...what have I committed to" stage of my decision, but one that I will still go through with!


Thanks for your help

We may kick butts as we see the need, but I don't know that we've ever seen anyone thrown to the wolves.  Several have thrown THEMSELVES to to the wolves, but no one can stop that but the individual.

Food has been a drug to help numb the emotional pains we face in life.  It won't be any different post op, so it is a GREAT START to recognize NOW that you're doing it.  You need to find other ways to deal with stress post op or you can make yourself very ill.

As for Roger, he may put his foot in his mouth occasionally, and you may very well misinterpret things he says in the most negative way possible.  This is an incredibly emotional journey - and once you are post-op, it will likely get WORSE for a while!  All that fat we carry is a storage facility for estrogen.  Once we start losing the fat, we start spilling all that estrogen into our systems, and THAT, my friend, can be U.G.L.Y. 

Yes, you should do your best NOW to start practicing good post-op type eating habits.  Maybe not the quantity/portions, but the habits.  Chewing things to death, no drinking with meals, no pop, yada yada yada.  

I will add one more thing that has been VERY important in my own personal journey, and that is forgiveness.  If I was capable of being perfect, I'd have never needed WLS to begin with.   Sometimes I DO eat things I shouldn't.  But I will NOT beat myself up, or give up and jump off the wagon because of it.  I will scold myself, give myself a pep talk, and try to be more conscious of my choices.   IMHO, if we can not forgive ourselves for our mistakes, we are just setting ourselves up for a whole lot of anxiety, negative self-talk and sabotage.  Forgiveness is not a get-out-of-jail-free card to be used all the time, but an opportunity to tuck our tails between our legs, acknowlege our mistakes, and make a decision to do better.

Well put, and very straight to the point.  I so appreciate that.

Yep, sounds pretty normal to me, too.  If you could always eat properly and in the right portions, you wouldn't need the surgery.  None of us would!  Just take it day by day, and if you fall off the wagon, don't beat yourself up.  You just get all bruised.

I'm sorry I didn't see that you called until today!  You probably already have the answer, but you can count crystal light as your water.  At least that is what I have always been told.