Self-Acceptance: A Work In Progress (longish and may induce sleep)

Self-Acceptance:  A Work In Progress

 

When I set out on this journey, I was determined to make a success out of it with regard to both my physical and emotional health.  I promised myself that I wouldn’t turn to alcohol or back to emotional eating as I confronted the habits and thinking that led me to obesity.  I am doing great with regard to my weight and physical health, mostly because I get a fair amount of exercise, perhaps even too much when it comes to having a balanced life.  My emotional health is better overall, too, but tackling all my “issues" has occasionally left me on the brink of depression or wondering about my emotional stability.  Of those issues, self-acceptance has been the hardest to pin down, if that is even possible.  How you feel about yourself is so ephemeral; one day you feel like you are finally on top of your game and the next day you feel like a person without any substance or value.  Maybe most people aren’t like that, but I am and it’s exhausting.

 

While I believe that I have made substantial progress toward self-acceptance this year, my swirling emotions over the last few months have shown me that I still have a lot of work to do.  It turns out that trying to re-orient any major component of your life is stressful and makes you question who you are.  Am I still a good man if want to change what I do for a living, accepting the likelihood of less income in exchange for getting more personal satisfaction out of my job, even if it impacts the quality of life of those closest to me?  How does one work to change a relationship without it seeming like an emotional bludgeoning of the other person? Is this really a mid-life crisis in disguise, leading me to decisions and directions that I will live to regret?  Am I desperate for making changes in my life because I fear the possibility of going back to how I was before surgery if I don’t somehow make doing so impossible?  These and a thousand similar questions have been roiling through my head lately. 

 

Some days I wish I could just turn off all that internal dialogue and just flow peacefully through life for awhile.  It would no doubt be a relief, but it would only serve to prolong my distress now that I have pried up the lid of Pandora’s box and dared to look inside.  So my journey continues with a few more uphill battles than I had expected.  I can only hope that the tumultuous emotions I have experienced in recent months will eventually subside as I finally learn to accept and love the person that I am, not by virtue of being accepted by others because I strive to please them, but by virtue of being a worthwhile human being in my own eyes.  I am getting there, ever so damned slowly.

 

RP

 

 

You bring to mind for me some lines from Desiderata, RP.  Lines like:  "Be gentle with yourself, you are a child of the universe".

I think there is a balance between the healthy self examination and the serenity needed to thrive.  When we are in the midst of our quest to find ourselves, we sometimes do need some time off.  To let the new behaviors, thoughts, and ideas meld, you may need to back-burner it from time to time.  Not to put off the inevitable forever, just to give yourself a break.  You are so intense!  Sometimes when I am going after an answer I think it to death, when instead if I let it go a bit, the answer comes out. 

This may or may not make sense to you, but something to try!  I respect your bravery in looking at more effective ways to live, RP.

Link to full copy of Desiderata:
http://www.fleurdelis.com/desiderata.htm

Mary:

Desiderata is one of my favorites!!  You may be right about giving myself a break, little peace for awhile.  Thanks for pointing that out.

RP

I have to agree with Mary here, Rick.  While it's a good thing to try to make improvements in all aspects of our lives, sometimes I think you might be missing out on a lot of good stuff in the present, while focusing a bit too intently on how to handle the changes you think you need to make for the future.

Don't miss out on life while trying to figure out what you want to be when you grow up, k?

But........I don't really want to grow up.  Seriously, though, you and Mary are probably right...I need to stop agonizing over changes when a beautiful world is right in front me, waiting to be enjoyed.  Thank you for putting it so kindly ( the fact that I need to pull my head out of my ass).

RP

    YOU said it, I didn't...  

I agree with Darla and Mary in that a break might be in order.  You deserve to just kick back and enjoy your life for a while.  When the time is right and you feel you have the emotional strength to continue your journey you can always pick up where you left off.  Take care of yourself!