Maelstrom In My Head

Maelstrom in My Head

 

I am hesitant to post what follows on a public forum, but when I am really struggling with something, I have found it helpful to share what I have been experiencing on OH because what I get in return is usually a great combination of advice and commiseration.  Despite my stubborn male pride, I will admit that I am in need of both today.

 

I have known for awhile that I am a moody, oversensitive person with a tendency toward depression.  Since I am an introvert who works hard at being outwardly calm, most people have little idea of what goes on inside my head.  For the past 10 years or so, I have been able to manage the power my mood swings might otherwise have in my life and, accordingly,  I have been able to function pretty well from day to day.  However, over the past month or two my mind has been a maelstrom of rapid mood swings, of inexcusable irritability and inexplicable charm, of crashing despair and soaring delight, of intense focus and complete listlessness.  I thought time would make it better, but it seems to have reached a new peak this week.  I feel like I am swirling out of control towards some impending disaster.  Exercise has helped to some degree and I haven’t turned to food or alcohol for comfort, but I am afraid of what is to come if I can’t find a way to rein it all in. 

 

My biggest fear going into the weight loss surgery process wasn’t the physical risk associated with surgery, it was the risk that I would again be ravaged by depression along the way.  As a preventative measure, I have been seeing a bariatric psychologist once a month since before my surgery 16 months ago.   She has helped me ride through the various stresses that have occurred in my life over the past year and a half without falling into any extended periods of depression.  The support I get here and at support group meetings has also played a pivotal role in that better-than-expected outcome.  I am truly grateful for the support I have received, but right now all of that will amount to **** if I spin even further out of control.

 

So, I am requesting your help.  I have been in contact with my counselor and I have reached out to other people I know who have struggled with mood swings or bi-polar disorder.  The advice I have been given so far would likely lead me to more counseling and some kind of medication for my mood swings.  If you have had trouble with mood swings, what form of counseling and which medications have worked for you?  Please PM me if that would be easier for you.

 

RP

RP - at the risk of sounding judgemental, do you ever post encouragement and hope to others?  It is good to come out of ourselves and try and offer a hand to those around you and it can sometimes take you out of your own doldrums.  I only ask you this, because you have never responded to any of my posts, and I don't notice you responding to many others.    I risked telling you this, because I believe, from what you say, you used to do that too much - giving of yourself and receiving little in return.  Some balance would help you, I think.  Something to think about. 

As far as medications, I would suggest that if you have shared with your therapist that your moods and your downs are extreme, and he/she isn't following up with some testing or discussion of that, you may need to move on to a regular therapist or even psychiatrist who is experienced in dealing with mood swings. 

You seem like a very thoughtful man, who is willing to explore issues.  You deserve to begin feeling better and it may be an issue that is deeper than your current counselor handles.  All the best to you.

Mary:

You are right that in the past I have replied to posts with encouragement and hope messages for others here on the MN forum.  I stopped for awhile because I have been dealing with some personal issues not related to my mental health (or lack thereof).  I have resumed doing that to some degree on the RNY forum and only a little bit here.  I apologize for any slight you may have felt because I haven't responded to your posts.  It wasn't intentional and I will endeavor to be better about that in the future.  I agree that balance is the key and I am trying to figure out what that means for me.

Anyhow, thank you for responding and for being direct in doing so.  I really appreciate that!

RP

RP - I'm so glad you took it that way.  I think you are a bright, kind, thoughtful individual, and you can have all the leeway you need as you do your journey.  You are very open with your growth opportunities and that will help you along the way. 
Mary

I have struggled with mood swings and a lot of emotional turmoil in the 3 years since surgery.  I think a huge part of it is because I am not stuffing my feelings with overeating.  I did over-indulge in alcohol for a brief time, but fortunately that has passed. 

I have been seeing psychologists on and off in the last 3 years, and am currently seeing one.  Originally I saw someone at the Emily Program, which specialized in eating disorders.  I now see a regular psych, but she seems to "get" me.  Each time I've gone back to see a psychologist, it's been on a weekly basis.  Reading that you only see yours once a month seems like it's maybe going too long between appointments.  I don't know how your insurance works, but monthly appts wouldn't keep me sane, I know that!  Maybe it would help to see yours more often?  And I haven't taken a lot of the psych meds, but I do work in the healthcare field, and our chemistry changes and fluctuates, so perhaps it's time to get yours tested to make sure you're on the right doses of the right meds or combination of meds.  I hope you find the right balance - I know from reading your posts that you're an introspective person, so I have no doubt that with your awareness and "seeker" spirit, you'll find the right path for you. 

Renee:

Thank you for replying.  You are right that a month might be too long between visits right now.  Thank you also for your kind and comforting words.

RP

RP-
I am pre surgery so I dont know all that much about how things will affect people post surgery.... but I can tell you that I have been on and off antidepressants for the last 10 years or so.  I stop taking them more because I dont want to rely on drugs to keep me "stable" but after I have been off of them for a while my regular Dr tends to start bringing them up again.  She has known me for years and knows that I struggle and the reason I dont want to take them all the time.  But I also know myself well enough to know when I need to ask for help.  I have been on a gamut of medicines, some working really well... some not so well..... but with patience and the right doctor... you can find something that works for you.  You need to remember that depression or bi-polar are not your fault... and they are not just in your head!  They are real problems and need real treatment!  I dont know how many will agree with my thoughts on here as I know alot of society sees depression medication as an "easy way to not deal with your problems".... but that is not the case!  You seem to have been doing everything right.... and if you still feel you need help... get it!  You did the surgery to make your life better.... living with mood swings like you have described is keeping you from enjoying your life and your new health!!!

Again... this is just my opinion and it's coming from someone who hasn't yet went through everything.... but you can take it for what it's worth!

Good luck with everything!

Dharma

Dharma:

Thank you for your encouragement and advice.  Anti-depressants have helped me in the past and I may go back to them.  Your words are based on both caring and experience, so they are worth a lot to me.  Good luck on your journey.

RP

Rick,

You seem like such a sensative and reflective person, and I'm sorry those little voices inside are not allowing you to fully enjoy all the amazing and positive transformations you have made. Food is/was our friend for so long and the effect on our moods when we mess with that long-standing relationship can get ugly.

When I met you at the Unity informational seminar you spoke at, I recall some of things you shared with me, a total stranger, afterwards, and how parts of your story caused you to appear like you could burst into tears at any moment . THAT'S how moving your experiences have been so far. That says so much about what it means to you to have not only come through this wild process, but also how important it is for you to help others.

You post so many encouraging thoughts and reach deep within yourself to let others know they are not alone; that you have been in their shoes, or at least in their fat pants. It seems to me that the more you write about your unique insight into this WL journey, the more cathartic it is for you. Keep it up, man! And I agree with the others that once a month just isn't enough time to allow the psych to REALLY help you, offer suggestions, get you the meds you need, etc.

It's great that you have exercise as an outlet, and you ALWAYS have this board of so many people who obviously care about you and  value your contribution! Make good use of your tools and take advantage of your friends on OH!

Best wishes,
Shannon

Shannon:

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.  Writing is cathartic.  So is speaking at informational meetings and I am glad you got something out of what I said at Unity.

RP