Sometimes I Feel Like a Self-Centered A**hole!

Sometimes I Feel Like a Self-Centered A**hole

 

I know, I know, some of you are thinking “Well, I am glad he finally realizes that!"  You are certainly entitled to your opinion of me, whatever that might be.  This really isn’t a confession, though…….For as long as I can remember, my parents have told me that I was “too nice", too accommodating of other people’s wants and needs and not demanding enough of my own interests.  It honestly never occurred to me to be different than that, despite their comments, because I was so used to being that way and there weren’t very many people I knew who couldn’t at least tolerate me.  Everyone wants to be liked, but at what cost?

 

While I have always been quietly confident about my physical and intellectual strengths, I never really developed confidence in my inner, emotional self.  In recent months I have come to the realization that I needed to have higher expectations of myself and of the other people in my life if I truly wanted to improve my emotional self confidence and not resort to my old habit of eating for comfort when my wants and needs went unattended.  So, I have taken to sharing a lot more of my feelings, positive and negative, with the people in my life.  I have also made taking care of myself physically a real priority, which is to say that there needs to be a good reason for me not to be able to exercise when I feel I need to do so.

 

Right now I feel great physically and my emotional self-confidence is growing by leaps and bounds.  The problem is that I also feel this gnawing, awful guilt about standing up for myself.  Sharing your true feelings can be very upsetting for other people and if you are taking the time and effort to take care of yourself, you are not taking care of others like you have in the past.  The consequences of making such changes include other people expressing negative emotions toward and about you.  I know that I am oversensitive, but the result of experiencing those negative emotions directed at me is that sometimes I do feel like I have become a self-centered asshole.  It weakens my resolve to be healthy because I still want people to like me without reservation.  Going back to old habits becomes a real temptation.  Meditation, introspection, and throwing myself into physical activities with abandon all seem to help with assuaging those guilty feelings, but I worry about losing my way, especially when I know that I have really upset someone.

 

Do I just need to give this new attitude time and patience for the people in my life to accept it or should I be seeking a different balance between taking care of myself and taking care of others?  Having had little previous experience standing up for myself, I can’t seem to gage what that right balance might be.

 

RP

Boy I wish I could answer that for you because than I would have the answer too!  It is very weird how all of a sudden you become aware of what a giver and people pleaser you were, I chalk it up to my obesity.  I am not sure when I first noticed the change but I also noticed recently that I have NO hobbies.  I never wanted anything to do because I didn't want to be seen basically.  Well now I am BORED!! LOL  So I am finding new things to do and places to visit that I wouldn't have tried or attempted before, another big new thing for me.  I still find myself looking down as I walk as I never wanted to make eye contact with people before.  I litterally have to tell myself ok Kristi LOOK UP!! You have no reason not to, or say how you feel because you have just a much a right as anyone else!  I guess we just have to take one day at a time and be proud of each on we have made it through succesfully!  Hopefully someone can give us some insight!!

WOW RP~ Your in my head and heart.  This is the lifelong struggle; the weight loss is just the package it comes in. I'll bet that this will resonate with MANY of us as we continue along our own journeys. My father once said to me..., "You know what your problem is, honey? You're too damn nice for your own good!" I'm a servant and it is part of what makes me me.

My current travels ( life journey) have led me down a new path to a different perspective and awareness. Is my giving and serving others simply an avoidance of my own needs?...a minimizing of my own self worth? My whole overweight life has been a testiment to this reality, but at what cost?"

As hard as it is to find balance in giving and taking, my real journey is learning to really love myself, flaws and all. To give myself the "GRACE" I always seem to extend to others. And most importantly ~ to allow others to fullfill their own servant needs and give...to me. To graciously accept love and help from others as they have allowed me to give to them. To ask for help, because we ALL need it from time to time.

So if it feels like your an A**Hole, then I say, A**Holes UNITE! Let's celebrate this awakening!

Cheryl

The phrase "there has to be a happy medium!" keeps popping into my head today.  Not just over your post, but over several things that seem to be weighted in one direction vs. another.

So many of us were "givers" in our formerly fat bodies.  And we didn't realize WHY until now, and we're starting to resent all that giving we did in the name of acceptance.

What's wrong with being a giver?  I'm still a giver - a giver I'll always be.  Not one thing wrong with that, EXCEPT when you recognize the givEE as being selfish, as taking advantage of our kind and giving nature.

So I've learned to recognize the people who take me for granted, take advantage of me, however you want to say it ...   And my defenses kick in.  I'm usually not outwardly rude (although that HAS happened a time or three), but I simply pull back.  I'm not giving ME to anyone who doesn't deserve me, dammit!  

I'm with Darla on this one...

I'm a giving person.. and yes I have in the past done too much giving to selfish "takers" in life possibly to be accepted or other reasons. Now I have realized what I've been doing and like Darla, i'm not giving into those people who take and never give back, any longer.
I do plan on to be giving person however and not end up a selfish taker like those others.
Do I plan on putting myself first more often and making myself a priority yes. Do my work outs take precidence over other things? Yes.. sometimes, other times not.

What it comes down to is if you put in 50% hopefully that other person will put in the 50% and you meet in the middle. And sometimes you do have to reach across the table and go the whole way for someone else. But those are the deserving people who don't take advantage of your generosity and giving. I will never stop being a giver either... I just won't be "giving" out blindly to the wrong people any longer.

Darla, and some of the other**** this one on the head for me, RP.  I'm both a giver and a taker.  Most of us are.  The balance is crucial on this one.  We have to be able to ask for support when it is needed, or we head down alone and may end up re-gaining or picking up another addiction. 
  Whenever a person "gives" they receive.  So, if I'm volunteering somewhere, I get more than I give.  That's my experience.  And in my personal life, when things are going well, I give when I can because it makes me feel good.  That is the reward.  When we give too much, it gets out of whack and we need to find the equilibrium lost to honor ourselves.  Your post tells me that's what you are working on.
  I'm noticing in your posts you share lots of your emotional journey and that will help both you and others of us.  I do know (from past years) that changes, especially big ones, can throw us out of synch.  We have a pendulum effect that happens, and the change makes the pendulum swing too wide in the other direction for a bit, but it will settle back down and you'll be better for it!
  Best of luck, and btw - you sure don't seem like an a$$hole to me!!!