The Will To Live

The Will to Live

I have spent a lot of time lately pondering why I feel so different on the inside than I used to feel and what that new feeling means in the context of my life.  Now that I have lost so much weight, exercise regularly, and eat right (well, mostly), I am energetic to the point of being restless most of the time.  Yet this feeling within me goes way beyond physical restlessness; most days I feel eager and almost desperate to engage myself more fully in the world around me……to spend my days among people I care about, to experience the natural world in all its glory, to be creative, to test myself physically, to contribute something of value to the world, to let myself actually feel the ebb and flow of all my emotions, and to let my heart fill with joy and love without reservation or self-doubt.  In other words, I have found the will to actually live my life more on my own terms.

This newfound will to live has created ripples throughout my life, and most particularly with relationships.  My wife, my family, my friends and my co-workers all seem taken aback by the changes in me.  The improvement in my physical health and appearance have pretty much been universally lauded, perhaps with a sense of relief that my weight is now much less likely to lead me to an early grave.  It is the internal changes in me, such as having much greater expectations of myself and others, that have been confusing to me and doubly so for everyone else in my life. 

I can see now that I need to re-define many of the relationships I have with other people, especially those closest to me.  My hope is that most of those relationships will become stronger as I have grown to be a stronger person, but I know that some of them will not…  Some will wither due to the new demands I place on them.  I never used to let that happen because I wanted everyone to like me no matter what.  That was not an emotionally healthy way to live because I felt in my heart of hearts that people didn’t know or like the real me; they liked the nice and undemanding person I let them see.  Now, at least, I am showing much more of my inner self and trying to communicate more clearly and completely what my needs are.  I can’t just make demands, though.  I need to approach this re-constitution of my life with a great deal of patience and alacrity, attributes that have been scarce in recent months as I have struggled to understand the different man I have become, the one with the tremendous will to live.

RP