My wow moment and my holy **** moment. (LONG)
Hello my Minnesota friends! Boy do I have a story for you.
First lets start with the good news. I have hit my first goal of getting below 230lbs. It sure feels good. It's been 7 years since I've been below 230lbs. This means I've lost 46lbs from the date of surgery which was 3/30 - so 2.5 months ago. It was a great personal victory for me to get here and yesterday I had my sister bring over some of her old jeans and they are from Maurice's and they are 13/14's and they fit like a glove! Another great accomplishment. I've been wanting to share clothes with my sisters since I can remember.
The bad news - well this is where the long story gets really long so hang on.
When I started dating my husband 5 years ago I stepped right in and took over where his mother left off. He loved me so much that I was willing to do anything for him just because I loved being loved. The relationship was so great at first and we were both very happy with our roles. The disrespect started shortly after we got married 3.5 years ago. I had gained weight from the moment I met him. When I met him I was 240lbs and it started creeping on slowly from day one. The reason - well I now had him to take care of and I stopped taking care of myself. I ate what he ate and that was A LOT! And I stopped exercising because I didn't have time for that any more because I was too busy taking care of him and our household. We lived in town in a nice rambler but then a farm came up for sale and it was a deal of a lifetime and so we bought it, financed it 100% and used the $100,000.00+ to do an extensive renovation to the farm house. This is when the stress in our relationship started to escalate. I am a general contractor so I was responsible for the renovation. I started to resent the fact that I was still required now to take care of him and our finances, take care of selling the house in town, take care of the remodel all by myself and still try and find time to be a loving fiance and wife at the time. If I have done anything wrong in this relationship it is that I didn't ask for help and didn't require it as I thought I was super woman (Which I am by the way ;)). Shortly after we got married I became depressed (self diagnosed) but I was to the point I didn't care if I got up in the morning, I didn't care if I showered, I didn't care about anything. My husband started showing me disrespect by touching me inappropriately even for a husband/wife relationship. He would touch me in a way I didn't like and I would have to say stop 10+ times and if he didn't stop I would fly off the handle and a couple of times I even scared myself with how enraged I became. But he stopped. This went on for a long time. My sister lived with us for 6months and even she say the disrespect. We were like bunnies in the beginning - like every new relationship is. But at this point it was down to 1-2 times a week. Which I still thought was plenty but he was never satisfied with this. Then in the winter of 2007 when he got laid off he was never home. He was ice fishing or doing whatever boys do when they get laid off. But I noticed a change in him. The disrespect worsened. This time it was spending money like we had a unending supply of it, not checking in, swearing at me and the list goes on. Nov. 08 - the sex stopped. He told me that I had weened him off of it and it was my fault that he no longer needed it. (this was he protocol, he would taunt me until I flew off the handle then he would blame it on me and make it my fault). His phone bill was $400 a couple of months in a row. He was laid off and still spending money mainly at bars, I couldn't keep up with the bills. He would go to the bathroom with his phone so that I wasn't able to see it. His language got worse. He would walk in the door after work, slam the door look at me before I even said anything and say "What the F---- is your problem" if I would not respond to him he was say "alright, go f--- yourself then". I was told on a daily basis to go f---- myself. Now I realize I should have NEVER put up with this for as long as I did but in my heart I knew that I had to do everything in my power to save my marriage so that when I walked away from it I was able to hold my head high and have a guilt free conscience moving forward. We tried yelling and screaming, we tried ignoring each other, I tried writing letters to him over and over again. On March 17th, 2009 I asked him to sit down at the dining room table with me to talk about our marriage and it was like pulling teeth. He told me how childish I was, that this was Bulls--- and to go f---- myself. He tried to get me to fly off the handle because when I did fly off the handle then he would blame it all on me and it would be my fault. He taunted me that night as he stood up and told me to go f--- myself over 15 times and then would giggle and I was sitting at the dining room table praying that I would keep my cool. The day after I got home from my surgery (I was sleeping in the recliner) he got up and before he came down the stairs he asked me four times "what the f--- my problem was" and I hadn't said a word yet. Then before noon if I wouldn't respond to a question he had asked fast enough he would tell me to "go f---- myself" - he told me that twice before noon.
I've been missing on the boards all of last week for a reason. On Monday after I told him not to use the check card the week prior because we were really tight on our mortgage payment I got declined at Good Will for $8.10 for two pairs of jeans because mine are falling off of me. He laughed at me when I told him this. Tuesday was the last straw. I went to make a credit card payment and I had was able to pay down the balance of it the past few months because he stopped using it - but when I went to make a payment on Tuesday there were $800.00 of new charges on there. I called him and he asked me "why I had to bother him with this **** while he was at work". I hung up the phone left work early packed my stuff for the week and left. I left a note and said I needed a few days away to clear my head.
In the mean time I look at the phone records for his cell phone and called the number he has talked to the most in the last few days. I called from my cell phone which is unlisted and the message says "Hi this is Natalie, please leave a message". I hung up and knew my marriage was over. I looked up the phone records and he has been talking to her for 2 years. I tricked him and asked the farmer he works for part time to help me get him in his house so we could have a visit. I was scared that he would fly off the handle or that he would possible hurt me and I wanted protection. I laid it all out on the table. I told him I wanted a divorce because I'm sick of trying so hard to make the marriage work and spinning my wheels, I was sick of being verbally abused, I was sick of trying to make our finances work with him working against me, I was sick of taking care of him and our farm all by myself, sick of being alone, sick of being placed 3,4,5th in his life next to his friends and Natalie and that I was a divorce.
Now - here's the analogy I heard this weekend that I really liked. When someone is suffering and you know they need to die and pray that they go so they can stop suffering you know it's the best this for them but it's still sad.
I was sad for about 12 hours (Not consecutively) but my feelings are this. I was way too good to put up with the emotional and verbal abuse for as long as I did and it was high time I get the heck out. I am 29 years old, young enough to move forward and maybe start a family some day. I am a good hearted, loving, caring, Christian woman, I'm also cute and a great catch! I am SOOOOOO happy I just can't express over typed words the relief I feel that the struggle is over.
One of the things he said to me this weekend was "I thought it would get better once you lost the weight" - I told him that I was lovable then I just had more to hold on to but you let me go. And I told him that was bulls---. I called him out on the carpet with everything. I am guilt free, I have done nothing to hurt him, belittle him and I am walking away with my chest puffed out, my chin up and my conscience is so free and clear and it feels SOOOOO good.
This weekend the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulders. I have been bearing a load so heavy that my spirit was broken. I spoke with my Pastor as well this weekend and how they have so much wisdom and strength I'll never know but he helped me see a lot. I just love that man.
So - there is my reason for being MIA this week. Thank you OH and my MN for your support and love it's great to have you! Now let's raise our glasses and give me a cheer because of BOTH of my WOW moments that I AM WORTH IT and look out world here I come!
Love,
Sal
First lets start with the good news. I have hit my first goal of getting below 230lbs. It sure feels good. It's been 7 years since I've been below 230lbs. This means I've lost 46lbs from the date of surgery which was 3/30 - so 2.5 months ago. It was a great personal victory for me to get here and yesterday I had my sister bring over some of her old jeans and they are from Maurice's and they are 13/14's and they fit like a glove! Another great accomplishment. I've been wanting to share clothes with my sisters since I can remember.
The bad news - well this is where the long story gets really long so hang on.
When I started dating my husband 5 years ago I stepped right in and took over where his mother left off. He loved me so much that I was willing to do anything for him just because I loved being loved. The relationship was so great at first and we were both very happy with our roles. The disrespect started shortly after we got married 3.5 years ago. I had gained weight from the moment I met him. When I met him I was 240lbs and it started creeping on slowly from day one. The reason - well I now had him to take care of and I stopped taking care of myself. I ate what he ate and that was A LOT! And I stopped exercising because I didn't have time for that any more because I was too busy taking care of him and our household. We lived in town in a nice rambler but then a farm came up for sale and it was a deal of a lifetime and so we bought it, financed it 100% and used the $100,000.00+ to do an extensive renovation to the farm house. This is when the stress in our relationship started to escalate. I am a general contractor so I was responsible for the renovation. I started to resent the fact that I was still required now to take care of him and our finances, take care of selling the house in town, take care of the remodel all by myself and still try and find time to be a loving fiance and wife at the time. If I have done anything wrong in this relationship it is that I didn't ask for help and didn't require it as I thought I was super woman (Which I am by the way ;)). Shortly after we got married I became depressed (self diagnosed) but I was to the point I didn't care if I got up in the morning, I didn't care if I showered, I didn't care about anything. My husband started showing me disrespect by touching me inappropriately even for a husband/wife relationship. He would touch me in a way I didn't like and I would have to say stop 10+ times and if he didn't stop I would fly off the handle and a couple of times I even scared myself with how enraged I became. But he stopped. This went on for a long time. My sister lived with us for 6months and even she say the disrespect. We were like bunnies in the beginning - like every new relationship is. But at this point it was down to 1-2 times a week. Which I still thought was plenty but he was never satisfied with this. Then in the winter of 2007 when he got laid off he was never home. He was ice fishing or doing whatever boys do when they get laid off. But I noticed a change in him. The disrespect worsened. This time it was spending money like we had a unending supply of it, not checking in, swearing at me and the list goes on. Nov. 08 - the sex stopped. He told me that I had weened him off of it and it was my fault that he no longer needed it. (this was he protocol, he would taunt me until I flew off the handle then he would blame it on me and make it my fault). His phone bill was $400 a couple of months in a row. He was laid off and still spending money mainly at bars, I couldn't keep up with the bills. He would go to the bathroom with his phone so that I wasn't able to see it. His language got worse. He would walk in the door after work, slam the door look at me before I even said anything and say "What the F---- is your problem" if I would not respond to him he was say "alright, go f--- yourself then". I was told on a daily basis to go f---- myself. Now I realize I should have NEVER put up with this for as long as I did but in my heart I knew that I had to do everything in my power to save my marriage so that when I walked away from it I was able to hold my head high and have a guilt free conscience moving forward. We tried yelling and screaming, we tried ignoring each other, I tried writing letters to him over and over again. On March 17th, 2009 I asked him to sit down at the dining room table with me to talk about our marriage and it was like pulling teeth. He told me how childish I was, that this was Bulls--- and to go f---- myself. He tried to get me to fly off the handle because when I did fly off the handle then he would blame it all on me and it would be my fault. He taunted me that night as he stood up and told me to go f--- myself over 15 times and then would giggle and I was sitting at the dining room table praying that I would keep my cool. The day after I got home from my surgery (I was sleeping in the recliner) he got up and before he came down the stairs he asked me four times "what the f--- my problem was" and I hadn't said a word yet. Then before noon if I wouldn't respond to a question he had asked fast enough he would tell me to "go f---- myself" - he told me that twice before noon.
I've been missing on the boards all of last week for a reason. On Monday after I told him not to use the check card the week prior because we were really tight on our mortgage payment I got declined at Good Will for $8.10 for two pairs of jeans because mine are falling off of me. He laughed at me when I told him this. Tuesday was the last straw. I went to make a credit card payment and I had was able to pay down the balance of it the past few months because he stopped using it - but when I went to make a payment on Tuesday there were $800.00 of new charges on there. I called him and he asked me "why I had to bother him with this **** while he was at work". I hung up the phone left work early packed my stuff for the week and left. I left a note and said I needed a few days away to clear my head.
In the mean time I look at the phone records for his cell phone and called the number he has talked to the most in the last few days. I called from my cell phone which is unlisted and the message says "Hi this is Natalie, please leave a message". I hung up and knew my marriage was over. I looked up the phone records and he has been talking to her for 2 years. I tricked him and asked the farmer he works for part time to help me get him in his house so we could have a visit. I was scared that he would fly off the handle or that he would possible hurt me and I wanted protection. I laid it all out on the table. I told him I wanted a divorce because I'm sick of trying so hard to make the marriage work and spinning my wheels, I was sick of being verbally abused, I was sick of trying to make our finances work with him working against me, I was sick of taking care of him and our farm all by myself, sick of being alone, sick of being placed 3,4,5th in his life next to his friends and Natalie and that I was a divorce.
Now - here's the analogy I heard this weekend that I really liked. When someone is suffering and you know they need to die and pray that they go so they can stop suffering you know it's the best this for them but it's still sad.
I was sad for about 12 hours (Not consecutively) but my feelings are this. I was way too good to put up with the emotional and verbal abuse for as long as I did and it was high time I get the heck out. I am 29 years old, young enough to move forward and maybe start a family some day. I am a good hearted, loving, caring, Christian woman, I'm also cute and a great catch! I am SOOOOOO happy I just can't express over typed words the relief I feel that the struggle is over.
One of the things he said to me this weekend was "I thought it would get better once you lost the weight" - I told him that I was lovable then I just had more to hold on to but you let me go. And I told him that was bulls---. I called him out on the carpet with everything. I am guilt free, I have done nothing to hurt him, belittle him and I am walking away with my chest puffed out, my chin up and my conscience is so free and clear and it feels SOOOOO good.
This weekend the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulders. I have been bearing a load so heavy that my spirit was broken. I spoke with my Pastor as well this weekend and how they have so much wisdom and strength I'll never know but he helped me see a lot. I just love that man.
So - there is my reason for being MIA this week. Thank you OH and my MN for your support and love it's great to have you! Now let's raise our glasses and give me a cheer because of BOTH of my WOW moments that I AM WORTH IT and look out world here I come!
Love,
Sal
Hugs all the way around here that is for sure! I have kept this all from my family and most of my friends because I was protecting him and I wanted him to still be welcomed if things worked out - well NO MORE! This weekend was extremely exhuasting in every aspect of the word however I feel like dancing today - even though I have this NASTY summer cold I feel like I can fly!
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