Ready Or Not, Here I Am! (kinda long)
Ready Or Not, Here I Am!
On my recent walks I have thought a lot about the nature of relationships with spouses and SO’s during the WLS journey. To be certain, such relationships will change as you change physically and emotionally. Some will change for the better, others will not. There really is no choice about whether or not things will change. They will. Even stable, supportive relationships will be challenged mightily by the changes within you and by how others perceive and relate to you.
Obviously, rapid weight loss causes other people to notice you with more interest, whi*****ludes the opposite sex, sadly enough. It is something to which you have to learn to become accustomed. That is much easier said than done. While you are struggling to acclimate yourself to the physical, emotional and social implications of your new body, so, too, must your spouse/SO. Jealousy, fear of abandonment, resentment of your blossoming social needs, shock at your need for more physical activity, and, on occasion, dismay at changes in your sex drive can all factor into how that most significant relationship evolves over time.
Some of us have spouses or SO’s who are emotionally strong people, especially those of us who may have subconsciously repressed many of our own needs and interests in order to be able to have a relationship with someone. As you find your own emotional strength along the way, those aforementioned negative emotions from your spouse/SO can be greatly magnified. Changing the boundaries and unspoken rules of any relationship is very difficult anyway, and when you throw in the heightened emotions of both you and your spouse, trouble is likely to ensue. On one hand you know that those boundaries and rules need to change in order for you to be able to thrive in your new body and state of mind, yet on the other, conflict over trying to define those changes in your relationship can seem too much to bear.
In the near term, it might be easier to just walk away, to avoid that conflict altogether. If a relationship is grossly out of balance in terms of how well the relationship meets your needs versus how well it meets your spouse’s/SO’s needs, that approach may indeed be the right answer for you. If the relationship needs a significant, but manageable amount of effort to be able to evolve into one with a balance more suitable to meeting your newly acknowledged needs, then a quick exit is probably not the right approach to take. Since every relationship is so unique, it is hard to predict whether such an effort to redefine a given relationship’s rules and boundaries will be successful. Previously stable relationships may crumble and fall, while rickety ones may emerge different and much stronger.
My point is that you can’t just shout “Ready or not, here I am!" after WLS and expect your most significant relationship to simply accommodate the new and evolving you. As with any significant change in cir****tances, both parties need to be patient and put forth enough effort to be able to see if things will work out. At the outset of my own journey, I decided to give it a year for things to settle out at home. The year is up next week and my marriage still needs work, but I am nevertheless going to give it more time and effort. My own conscience demands it, as it turns out. Since I am still trying to find myself, with my resultant needs being somewhat of a moving target, I expect that this part of my WLS journey will be every bit as daunting as the physical and emotional challenges I have faced so far.
RP
No marriage is perfect however, they should all revolve around a mutual respect, love and support for the other person involved. If that is not there before WLS it will not be there after.
I'm just struggling right now with what a marriage is supposed to be. I understand people can grow and change however, I'm finding out that if the marriage to begin with wasn't based on a partnership - it is VERY difficult to get to it be whether there was WLS involved or not.
I don't understand why it has to be so hard to be in a relationship with someone. Right now it plain ass sucks to be honest and the only thing I can say for WLS as it has made me stronger however I gave him the choice before WLS to get out. Man I just wish that in school when you are maybe 14-17 yrs old there was a class on marriage, communication, respect, love, partnership etc. We do math by the book, we read by the book - why can't we do marriage by the book?
Hmph - I'm sick today and feeling pretty ****ty about what I got myself into 3.5 years ago. I was so blind.
Sal
I agree......With 22 years of marriage under my belt were both trying to make it work, we want it to work.....But it takes a lot of work and time.....Marty and I are going to counseling and it does help, but in the end it's up to us to make things work......We take life day to day.......And a lot of compromise.....:)
I'm glad to hear that you're going to give your marriage more time......Good luck and talk things out, get everything out in the open, that's the only way for compromise and change.....
Kelly
I feel sorry for people that have such difficulties with loved ones in their lives as they go through the changes that result in WLS. You deserve to have your partner celebrate all those changes with you!
So even tho I have no advice, please know that there are people like me that admire your committment and wish you happiness.
Sue
All of our issues started before WLS. I thought in my demented mind that WLS would fix some of those issues. But so far even (2+ mo post-op) no fix in sight.
I am meeting with my pastor tonight hoping things will be clearer after that meeting.
The only thing I can say for WLS and what it has done for me post op - it just has given me a new beginning on life and new fresh start. With that fresh start I want things to be well in all realms of my life and am willing to do whatever it takes to make sure I have stability in all aspects.
I wish you the best of luck darlin on your journey! It sounds like you are in a good place!
Sal
As I read your words, and words of those replying, I send my prayers to you and hope for the best in your relationships. I also feel very blessed and somewhat guilty for having such a supportive marriage.
** Disclosure** I do realize I am still in the infancy of this WLS road, with only 10 months and 51 lbs behind me and another 50 lbs to go. My body image has not been as quickly dramatic as those with a non-band surgery, but still a difference is seen.
Don't get me wrong, my DH and I have our times that we are a pain in the a$$ to each other. Oh there are those days....... We had a strong relationship before this started and I believe this has helped quite a bit. More often than not, we are open with each other. Quite a few times I have shared with him the struggles I read about others having. Whether it being something physical or emotional. We talk about those items so if it starts to happen to us/me, we can deal with it better. I am by no means saying we are/ I am perfect! I dislike that word, no one is perfect or can do everything perfectly.
I don't share emotions too often, I thought this was an important emotional subject. It is meant to tell those that I will be there to support you during you difficult times and support you during your good times. I really do not want to offend anyone with my words.
Lorri
