Does Your Spouse Resent Time Spent on OH?
My husband is really glad I have the support from others that know what I'm going through. I usually am on OH when at work and on Saturdays during coffee he is at wor****il noon so it never interferes with our relationship. Before my surgery I hardly ever socialized so any opportunity that gets me out of the house doing things I didn't normally do he is supportive.
It is very possible a lot of us before surgery (and after) have co-dependent relationships with our spouses/SO and now that we have changed they are kind of lost to what to do themselves. Their role in the family dynamic has been changed and they may feel really out of control. Maybe her resenting the time you spend on OH is her way of trying to get back some control over you.
It is very possible a lot of us before surgery (and after) have co-dependent relationships with our spouses/SO and now that we have changed they are kind of lost to what to do themselves. Their role in the family dynamic has been changed and they may feel really out of control. Maybe her resenting the time you spend on OH is her way of trying to get back some control over you.
Start 323 ~ Current 199 ~
No I don't have that isssue, or it hasn't been expressed, but we both also have friends and other interests outside our marriage. I also always invite him to spouse invited outings and he is comfortable going .
I could however on some weeks have OH event related outings 3/4 times a week, and I do balance those out
It is a fragile balance if your partner does not understand.
I could however on some weeks have OH event related outings 3/4 times a week, and I do balance those out
It is a fragile balance if your partner does not understand.
BUFFY 
I feel very fortunate that my DH and I had a pretty independent set up BEFORE WLS - moreso for me than for him. He's very much a homebody, I very much am NOT. So I've always done things independent of him. I believe that has made this a much easier thing for him to deal with, although my KIDS sometimes get frustrated. That's why I include them all as often as I can (without bringing them ALL the time - that would drive ME nuts!!). And when they DO spend time with my "Former Fatties" with me, they enjoy it almost as much as I do! So they're pretty cool about it.
If any of you pre-ops are reading this, it's a very real issue post op IF you participate heavily on the boards (computer time), attend coffees, support group meetings and such. Start talking about it NOW, if only to address the fact that there will be some adjustments needed after WLS. Support is VERY IMPORTANT to our success and maintenance!!!
If any of you pre-ops are reading this, it's a very real issue post op IF you participate heavily on the boards (computer time), attend coffees, support group meetings and such. Start talking about it NOW, if only to address the fact that there will be some adjustments needed after WLS. Support is VERY IMPORTANT to our success and maintenance!!!
Imperfect does not = unsuccessful
no, he's fine with it. He encourages me to go to coffee and support groups because there is only so much support and understanding he can give.
I hope you are able to come to an understanding that makes both you and your wife happy.
I hope you are able to come to an understanding that makes both you and your wife happy.
2003 RNY, 2007 Revision Distal RNY
April 17, 2009 ~ fleur de lis TT w/Muscle Repair, Medial Thigh Lift, Ventral Hernia Repair
I compare this to Al-anon for family members of the Alcoholic. My dad has been sober for 31 years and in the beginning my mom found it difficult to raise the kids alone because Dad was always at meetings etc. There is a forum on here for family members maybe you should introduce her to this.
The divorce rate is very high is AA because the program takes over the addiction of the alcohol. So instead of the spouse *****ing because the other is gone all the time and drinking it's the same ***** just their getting sober.
What we don't realize as addicted people is Obesity is a selfish addiction, before it was all about us and our troubles. Now our Health is our selfish addiction to stay sober from our old ways. So give your spouse a break, talk to her about it and put it in to prospective. She's probably been waiting for the husband that she's always wanted and dreamed about and maybe saw some hope in finding him once you got healthy yet you are still as far away as ever because of your new addiction to health and the new you. This is something that is very in depth but needs to be talked about. You need support from all angles maybe she could be one of them if you'll let her.
I'm not saying we shouldn't be selfish but when we voluntarily commit to any type of relationship we have to do our part in supporting the other person.
With that being said - my husband would say go and do all you can because then he doesn't feel guilty to going out with the boys. If I'm at home and he's gone the guilt gets him a little but not enough to stop him.
Sal
The divorce rate is very high is AA because the program takes over the addiction of the alcohol. So instead of the spouse *****ing because the other is gone all the time and drinking it's the same ***** just their getting sober.
What we don't realize as addicted people is Obesity is a selfish addiction, before it was all about us and our troubles. Now our Health is our selfish addiction to stay sober from our old ways. So give your spouse a break, talk to her about it and put it in to prospective. She's probably been waiting for the husband that she's always wanted and dreamed about and maybe saw some hope in finding him once you got healthy yet you are still as far away as ever because of your new addiction to health and the new you. This is something that is very in depth but needs to be talked about. You need support from all angles maybe she could be one of them if you'll let her.
I'm not saying we shouldn't be selfish but when we voluntarily commit to any type of relationship we have to do our part in supporting the other person.
With that being said - my husband would say go and do all you can because then he doesn't feel guilty to going out with the boys. If I'm at home and he's gone the guilt gets him a little but not enough to stop him.
Sal
My perspective is a little different.
I think that as obese people, we've often done everything we can to keep our spouses happy - go where they want to go, do what they want to do, all in the name of being accepted, having the life we thought we were "supposed" to live - at the expense of our own happiness. Some might call it "settling". We settle for who we ended up with, and all that THEY want, because we figure we'll never be able to find anything better.
Now that we're feeling a little better about ourselves, we might resent having been the "giver" all the time. And our spouses, who were used to getting their way, feel frustrated and angry that things have changed - we insist on making OURSELVES a priority now, rather than just placating or serving THEM all the time. It's a hard pill for a spouse to swallow. They've more or less been spoiled.
Of course, this is just my theory - it doesn't particularly apply to my own marital relationship, nor might it apply to many here. But I'm privvy to enough issues that I really believe there is some truth to it.
I think that as obese people, we've often done everything we can to keep our spouses happy - go where they want to go, do what they want to do, all in the name of being accepted, having the life we thought we were "supposed" to live - at the expense of our own happiness. Some might call it "settling". We settle for who we ended up with, and all that THEY want, because we figure we'll never be able to find anything better.
Now that we're feeling a little better about ourselves, we might resent having been the "giver" all the time. And our spouses, who were used to getting their way, feel frustrated and angry that things have changed - we insist on making OURSELVES a priority now, rather than just placating or serving THEM all the time. It's a hard pill for a spouse to swallow. They've more or less been spoiled.
Of course, this is just my theory - it doesn't particularly apply to my own marital relationship, nor might it apply to many here. But I'm privvy to enough issues that I really believe there is some truth to it.
Imperfect does not = unsuccessful
Well I do agree with you and I agree with RP's original post as well. I'm offering the other perspective. Although we may have felt that we've "settled" that we were the "giver" and that we were always doing what others wanted all of the time and now feel resentment - wasn't that our choice?
In our heads we are faced with the same choices we face today. I resent the fact that I picked up for my husband where my mother-in-law left off. I became his mother all in the need of being loved. This was my choice. Should I punish him now because I am feeling the need for support and partnership or should we discuss and communicate with what I now need. It was my mistake in the first place for letting him get comfortable and he ate it all right up. It is now up to me to involve him in my need for CHANGE.
We would have been unhappy with whatever path we would have choose. The #1 reason is because we didn't think we were worth any happiness because we disgusted ourselves. So we did anything and everything in order for someone to love us thinking this would help our own self-esteem.
I love these little debates - because I respect your position. I've done quiet a bit of reflecting even before WLS about my marriage and current relationships. When I was depressed and felt disgusted when my husband touched me he didn't leave. He didn't ***** He simply stopped touching me eventually. Now is this his fault or is it mine? Mine. I didn't communicate effectively enough to explain to him my position and how I was feeling. Instead I pushed him away.
What I'm saying is our feelings are our feelings and they have feelings too. It was our choice to succumb to the pressures of finding love and acceptance and now that we feel differently about our life. We got comfortable where we were and guess what so did they. So now we upset the apple cart with this HUGE change and we just expect them to follow right along with our heads and this new way of thinking? Hmmmm seems a bit one sided to me. They were there when we were at our worst. They could have left us, they didn't. So now we are at our best and we can leave them - sure why not and blame them for not accepting the new US when we didn't even give them the chance to learn how to love the NEW us.
My husband and I need to work on communication so very badly. Seems I can communicate so well with others and then with him I just can't quiet say the right things. The fact of the matter is unless you have open lines of communication and a respect for the person to hear and VALIDATE the way they are feeling the relationship will not work.
AA and WLS are not causes for divorce or breakups - lack of respect and communication are. If we would learn to communicate effectively with each other and make the people we love the most in our lives a part of our journey - the success of the relationship would be higher. If we choose not to TRY and WORK at the relationship we can not blame them for simply just not accepting the new US - the failure in the relationship. I am facing this now. I have no clue if my husband and I will be able to accomplish a respect for each other - we have a window of opportunity to do this in and I'm hopeful. But WLS and my support life have not caused this. We could blame each other for lack of respect, communication and willingness to love each other despite our faults.
I totally jumped around on this post - sorry! But I love this stuff!
Sal
In our heads we are faced with the same choices we face today. I resent the fact that I picked up for my husband where my mother-in-law left off. I became his mother all in the need of being loved. This was my choice. Should I punish him now because I am feeling the need for support and partnership or should we discuss and communicate with what I now need. It was my mistake in the first place for letting him get comfortable and he ate it all right up. It is now up to me to involve him in my need for CHANGE.
We would have been unhappy with whatever path we would have choose. The #1 reason is because we didn't think we were worth any happiness because we disgusted ourselves. So we did anything and everything in order for someone to love us thinking this would help our own self-esteem.
I love these little debates - because I respect your position. I've done quiet a bit of reflecting even before WLS about my marriage and current relationships. When I was depressed and felt disgusted when my husband touched me he didn't leave. He didn't ***** He simply stopped touching me eventually. Now is this his fault or is it mine? Mine. I didn't communicate effectively enough to explain to him my position and how I was feeling. Instead I pushed him away.
What I'm saying is our feelings are our feelings and they have feelings too. It was our choice to succumb to the pressures of finding love and acceptance and now that we feel differently about our life. We got comfortable where we were and guess what so did they. So now we upset the apple cart with this HUGE change and we just expect them to follow right along with our heads and this new way of thinking? Hmmmm seems a bit one sided to me. They were there when we were at our worst. They could have left us, they didn't. So now we are at our best and we can leave them - sure why not and blame them for not accepting the new US when we didn't even give them the chance to learn how to love the NEW us.
My husband and I need to work on communication so very badly. Seems I can communicate so well with others and then with him I just can't quiet say the right things. The fact of the matter is unless you have open lines of communication and a respect for the person to hear and VALIDATE the way they are feeling the relationship will not work.
AA and WLS are not causes for divorce or breakups - lack of respect and communication are. If we would learn to communicate effectively with each other and make the people we love the most in our lives a part of our journey - the success of the relationship would be higher. If we choose not to TRY and WORK at the relationship we can not blame them for simply just not accepting the new US - the failure in the relationship. I am facing this now. I have no clue if my husband and I will be able to accomplish a respect for each other - we have a window of opportunity to do this in and I'm hopeful. But WLS and my support life have not caused this. We could blame each other for lack of respect, communication and willingness to love each other despite our faults.
I totally jumped around on this post - sorry! But I love this stuff!
Sal
I spend a lot of time online in general, haha! I live too far away to attend any coffee meet ups (Mankato) so that's not an issue either. I read a few forums but we're both quite dorky/geeky people so computers are a main function in our daily lives. I've spent a lot less time online in the past year and I think that helps. So no, he doesn't.
Started research @ 280 pounds
Surgery Date 05/27/09 @ 258 pounds
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