PUNS!
A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it’s just kiln time.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in colour, it’s a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well read.
When 2 egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
Anyone care to add more?
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Damn."
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? A dog that runs for help after it bites your leg off.
What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office? They're hiring.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.
Punny jokes:
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all, that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, (are you ready???) "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" The second atom replies, "Yeah, I'm positive!"
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I m sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
There was a man who entered a local paper'*****ontest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Do****ep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies, "It's very simple. You're two tents."
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds... "But they're twins; if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Choking:
One day, two neighbors were having lunch at their favorite watering hole, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a burger too fast. The first one said to the other, "Think we oughta' help?" "Yep," said the other one. The first one got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin yew breathe?" She shook her head no. "Kin yew speak?" he asked. She again shook her head no.
With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt, and started to lick her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.
The first neighbor turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time!"
My oldest son and his little family passed through Thunder Bay this last weekend on their way to his new military duty station in Edmonton, Alberta. Got my Grandma hands on Gaius!! LOVE that little boy!! Gonna miss him sooo much. Ian, et al, won't be coming home so often as they had been when they lived in Ontario.
I called a few places that I had applied for jobs with, and they are still mulling over who to employ. PLEASE GOD...These are both Wisconsin jobs--Superior and Wausau. Am also kicking around the idea of applying for a Masters degree. Just am so tired of school... I realize putting it off won't make me any less reluctant.. My goal this week is to call the school of social work and get info.
Anyway-- got run! Have to get to my deliriously FUN job!
When is your PS? Will be thinking of and praying for you!
(((HUGS))
**SUE**
