My "Coming Out" Experience Yesterday

What I mean is the first time I've run into entended family members, since having surgery.

For those of you who know me, you probably know that I'm rarely at a loss for words.  I think I'm rather easy to talk with.  And I'm very open about my choice to have WLS.  Yesterday was the first time I found myself uncomfortable.

A little history here - My dad was child #2 out of 16 kids born to my grandparents.  Yes, irish catholic St Paul family.  I have aunts and uncles that are just a few years older than I am.  I have only one cousin older than me.  My cousins range from age 5-38.  My kids are older than many of my cousins.  And when you have a large family like this, you often tend to get lost in the shuffle.  I've never really been close with that side of the family because I felt lost.  And I was extremely close with my mom's side of the family.  Since my father passed away 6 years ago, I've really tried to stay connected with them.  Which, I'll have to admit, is a very good thing. 

So yesterday was my grandfather's 85th bday party.  I have only seen 2 relatives since having surgery.  And they know the whole story.  So I decided now was the time to show up and deal with the initial shock everyone had when they saw me 115 lbs lighter.  And what a shock it was.  Most didn't recognize me.  And those *****cognized me did only because I had a nametag on (my dad's cousins were there, too.  so there were A LOT of people).  After the initial shock, they all told me how great I look.  Yes, thank you.  And then the next question was "How did you do it"?  I've never kept this a secret.  And I'm very proud of my choice.  And I'd do it again in a million years.  Yet I'm finding myself very uncomfortable having to repeat the story over and over and over again.  I love to talk - why was this so difficult?

Then it hit me.  Every time someone would ask me questions about how I lost the weight, I'd say that I had medical intervention.  And that I've given up a lot of things in life in order to be healthy.  But after that I just wanted to bail out of there.  Or I'd shake my head and say, Yeah, I know I look different.  I found myself constantly looking over my shoulder.  WHY?  It is not like me to be so rude.

It wasn't me.  It was my mom.

Three weeks ago, my mom made a very rude comment to me about my weight loss.  She told me that I shouldn't go to my grandfather's birthday party just to show off how much weight I lost.  WTF?  I was floored.  She has continually told me to stop losing weight.  She says I'm too small.  But why, after all the support you have given me, would you make such a rude comment?  So I called her on it and told her how offended I was.  She blew it off.  I was SO ANGRY that she thinks I would be so vein to only show up to a family outing because I've lost weight and wanted to show off.  My brother told me to shrug it off and then made a joke about how I should never leave my house again so nobody will see that I've lost weight.  That made me laugh - its our strange sense of humor.  But my mom was so out of line.  And I lost some of the respect I had for her. 

For most of my adult life, I have always been the heaviest in the family.  I've always struggled with weight issues.  Now I'm the most healthy of the group - I'm the smallest.  I have to get it into my head that it isn't MY problem.  It is her problem.  SHE is uncomfortable about her weight (as is my sister) and she wants me to feel bad so she doesn't feel as disappointed in herself.  She wants to bring me down and sabotage my success.  And not only that.  She was also not the center of attention at the gathering.  And I think THAT ALONE was probably her biggest hangup.  She wasn't the "poor widow who lost her husband at a young age".  The attention was given to me.  I HATE being the center of attention - so I would have gladly stepped aside and let her steal the spotlight. 

So my family really wanted to know more about the procedure and what happened and why I decided to do what I did.  I wanted to talk about it.  Yet every time I talked, I felt like good ole' mom was following me around and listening to every conversation I had.  She wasn't.  But she really stepped over the line and it sucked!  I couldn't be me.  I had to step aside and let her shine.  I would have GLADLY done that.  But you know what?  I'm proud of the choices I've made in my life.  And God knows they haven't been easy or fun.  But I'm also not going to lie or be rude or bru**** off just because someone else has issues and are hung up on their weight.

I know I've accomplished a lot in my life.  I know that I've had a very successful experience with WLS.  I know that I am more confident.  I know that I'm healthy.  I know that I have support from other family members and the gazillion friends I have.  But dang it, I am NOT about to let anyone sabotage my journey.  SO THERE!

Thanks for taking the time to read this long topic.  I'm not looking for advice or feedback on it.  I know others have experienced similar things in their lives.  Stay strong.  Don't let ANYONE sabotage your journey.  Vow to yourself that it ain't gonna work and that you won't let ANYONE bring you down.  I'm not the one that needs counseling (well, on second thought.... )

I couldn't have done this without my OH friends.  Blessings in disguise.

 

kel

IM sorry about your day but the bottom line is it isnt you.. your healthy now and you have flipped their world upside down by having the nerve to change!

Your ok........ distance yourself abit.  Surround yourself with support you look great.

Hugs

Hi Kelly,

I'll just say that family can be so hard to deal with.

Celebrate "YOU"....we love you!!

As a member of a large, um...numerous family, I agree wholeheartedly that family politcis STINK!  Either you're tooo fat or tooo skinny. Rarely JUST RIGHT!

I think you're doing swell!  YOU ARE ANOTHER OF THOSE 'POSTER CHILDREN' FOR WLS!!

Obviously the female members of your family need to feel that THEY'RE the 'normal' ones. And now, with you having gone from heaviest to the smallest, ((YAY,YOU!!!) you've upset the balance--in more ways than one!! 

Good luck.  Don't let your mom drag you down.  Remember that you can pick your friends, but you're stuck with family. 

((HUGS))
**SUE**

Kelly...thank you for sharing with us this morning.

Sorry that your mom and sister are struggling with this. As you said you are healthy and happy and they are having a hard time dealing with that. Don't let their problems become yours.

You are a beautiful person inside and out. I am so glad to have met you my dear friend!! Be proud of how far you have come and the great, caring, and loving person you are.

   Hugs and love.......connie d 

I really appreciate you sharing this. I dealt w/something similar, though it was w/friends/co-workers and not family. I'm very outgoing, talks a lot....DH teases me because I will talk to total strangers right away, and many know my life story before we part! LOL!! I've always been an extrovert and just don't know how to be any other way. After my surgery and the weight started coming off, "well meaning" people would make comments and I was just  be flabbergasted. I too was accused of going somewhere "just to show off" because I chose to wear short shorts. 1st of all, I wore shorts when I was obese too, they just make those bigger sizes longer. Once you get into certain smaller sizes, I swear that automatically they stop just below your butt! 1 gal really wanted to know what size I was wearing. At the time I had lost more than what I thought was healthy, so my size 4's were too big and I didn't want to say anything and make it seem like I was really showing off. Well, she wanted to know, and when I turned to walk away, she grabbed my shorts and literally dug in the back to find the tag! I was so offended to say the least. The rest of the time I was there was a nightmare for me. I didn't want to socialize w/anyone and felt like I had to censor what I said.

It really is a shame that your mother felt the need to belittle you that way. You made the best decision about your health and life and have EVERY REASON to be proud of what you've accomplished. You know what? You DESERVE to "show off" if you want. You've earned it!!

KA,

I was wondering how it went..........It's like I said when you were here, I'm proud of you....You have done so well with this WLS, and it's because you stuck to the rules. (unlike myself) You gave up alot of food, etc. I know it hurts having difficulties with family members........But just keep doing your thing.....Hopefully your Mom & Sister will be proud of you someday, instead of being jealous.

Love ya my friend, Kelly

Everyone is so sweet!  Thank you so much.  I love all my friends here.  Friends are better than family - we can pick who we want.  Unfortunately we can't pick our family.  That is why I spend more time with friends than family.

My rule - I never, ever spend more than 2 hours with family.  With the exception of my inlaws.  They are great!  Father in law really has stepped up to be a father to me.  I love them both to pieces. 

In the meantime, I should probably get off the computer and get the piglets ready for their first day of school tomorrow.  Many of us will be doing the happy dance tomorrow!  Woo Hoo!

This may seem strange but sometimes when I get similar responses I wonder were these things are coming from. Jealousy maybe? or them really wanting you to fail maybe? They want to say I told you so? Who knows just be happy for you They will get over themselves eventually.

Wow - so much to say, I can hardly organize my thoughts..but most importantly - you hit the nail on the head - it isn't YOUR problem it's your MOM'S PROBLEM!!!  She's the one with the issue and if she can't see how much this surgery has changed you for the good and be proud of that and happy for you then let her suffer.  It's NOT YOUR PROBLEM!!!

You look absolutely FANTASTIC and quite frankly HOT as H-E-double hockey sticks!!!

Love you girlie!  Rise above!