Wow??? very, very long
So, last night I went up to the bar to meet with my family and play Bingo. I haven't been to that particular bar for about 9 months, since before my surgery. I walked in, went straight to the back, where my family always sits. I wasn't paying much attention to who else was there, did a quick scan to see if there were any familiar faces. I got over to the family, bellied up to the bar, and the first thing I hear is, "so, how's it feel to be treated like a real person?" Huh? I was like, what did I miss? Apparantly, as I walked by their friends and acquaintances, several of the men tried their darndest to earn themselves a case of whiplash. It's kind of embarrassing. I tapped my Dad on the shoulder when I walked past him, and apparantly that raised a stir with his buddies, cause many didn't recognize me, or know me, so they were all like, "who's that?" Boy did I get eyeballed last night. And drinks were bought for me (most of which I gave away), and a very nice looking young man sat next to me at the bar (that never, ever happened pre-op). IT's kind of fun, too, to have all that attention, but I'm not going to do anything with it cause I've started seeing somebody. My stepmom said that it was very obvious that I was getting the "pretty, skinny, girl treatment." I know I shouldn't feel this way, but there is almost some guilt over how differently I was treated vs the gals in the family (who are large women). Men made an effort to talk to me, rather than avoid eye contact and all other possible contact. It's not fair how differently we are treated before and after, but at the same time, I relish the new attention. I have so many mixed feelings about this.
Oh yeah! I had to go shopping yesterday, cause all my work clothes are getting saggy, and I had about 20 pairs of shorts and capri's to try on (thrifting naturally). I was aiming at 10's and 12's for sizes, so most of what I grabbed were 10's. I was hoping that I would be able to squeeze into at least 2 items so that I'd have something to get me through the rest of summer. I'd hold them up, look at them, shake my head, and think, "I can dream, but I'll try them anyway." Um, almost every pair of 10's I put on basically fit. I could wear most of them with little discomfort. I had to sit and pick which ones I actually wanted to buy, cause I sure didn't need 15 pairs of shorts and capri's. I'm so used to just buying things cause I can get them buttoned and they don't look too much like I have poopy drawers. Do you know, I never thought I'd actually wear a size 10 pant, or a size large shirt. Those are skinny people sizes.
One more thing. I dug out my pre-op shorts, and went into shock. I held them up and my first thought was, who's are these, they couldn't have been mine. I put them on. I am in shock at how big I was. I guess I'm still in denial, but each day I get a little better at seeing me then, and really seeing me now. I've shown a few of my pre-op pics to my fella, and he was a bit surprised, but he's still calling and making plans with me. I feel like I've crossed over some threshold. I don't know how to explain it, other than that I feel like I fit in with "them" now. I can pass as a normal person. I will never, ever, forget where I've come from, because that was my whole life, and is an important part of what made me who I am. I am so excited for everybody that is thinking about having the surgery, or who has decided to have it. I love it! I love my life! I love being treated like a worthwhile human being, even if it's because of my appearance. I like being treated like a woman, like a lady, and like a desirable being!
You know, I honestly haven't had any overwhelming emotional moments related to the surgery. A few moments of excitement, but this is by far my best day! And I'm not an overyly emotional person, well publicly, but today I waver between wanting to smile and laugh, and wanting to cry, from joy and from sadness over the heartaches I've left behind, and the future I have before me. It's mine for the taking. I have options. Some of my biggest obstacles are gone. I have more power to live my life. Oh, I know there will be more unfairness and heartache in the future, but 90% of it won't be because I'm too fat.
Oh yeah! I had to go shopping yesterday, cause all my work clothes are getting saggy, and I had about 20 pairs of shorts and capri's to try on (thrifting naturally). I was aiming at 10's and 12's for sizes, so most of what I grabbed were 10's. I was hoping that I would be able to squeeze into at least 2 items so that I'd have something to get me through the rest of summer. I'd hold them up, look at them, shake my head, and think, "I can dream, but I'll try them anyway." Um, almost every pair of 10's I put on basically fit. I could wear most of them with little discomfort. I had to sit and pick which ones I actually wanted to buy, cause I sure didn't need 15 pairs of shorts and capri's. I'm so used to just buying things cause I can get them buttoned and they don't look too much like I have poopy drawers. Do you know, I never thought I'd actually wear a size 10 pant, or a size large shirt. Those are skinny people sizes.
One more thing. I dug out my pre-op shorts, and went into shock. I held them up and my first thought was, who's are these, they couldn't have been mine. I put them on. I am in shock at how big I was. I guess I'm still in denial, but each day I get a little better at seeing me then, and really seeing me now. I've shown a few of my pre-op pics to my fella, and he was a bit surprised, but he's still calling and making plans with me. I feel like I've crossed over some threshold. I don't know how to explain it, other than that I feel like I fit in with "them" now. I can pass as a normal person. I will never, ever, forget where I've come from, because that was my whole life, and is an important part of what made me who I am. I am so excited for everybody that is thinking about having the surgery, or who has decided to have it. I love it! I love my life! I love being treated like a worthwhile human being, even if it's because of my appearance. I like being treated like a woman, like a lady, and like a desirable being!
You know, I honestly haven't had any overwhelming emotional moments related to the surgery. A few moments of excitement, but this is by far my best day! And I'm not an overyly emotional person, well publicly, but today I waver between wanting to smile and laugh, and wanting to cry, from joy and from sadness over the heartaches I've left behind, and the future I have before me. It's mine for the taking. I have options. Some of my biggest obstacles are gone. I have more power to live my life. Oh, I know there will be more unfairness and heartache in the future, but 90% of it won't be because I'm too fat.
It's never too late—in fiction or in life—to revise. Nancy Thayer
What an AWESOME, AWESOME post, Christi! Sounds like one of those WOW moments that just slowly creeps up on you, rather than smacking you in the forehead - CONGRATULATIONS on feeling NORMAL! I knew exactly the feeling you meant, I felt that on vacation a few weeks ago - it's just such an alien thing, to be NORMAL! Wonderful AND a little sad, but mostly - I don't know, relief?
Anyway, I'm just really, REALLY happy for you! That was a really feel-good thing to read
Anyway, I'm just really, REALLY happy for you! That was a really feel-good thing to read
Imperfect does not = unsuccessful
Excellent post!!
I have felt this way myself... and I understand the guilty feeling... I've also gotten this way walking into the normal size shops... like I'm an imposter and don't belong there. It's a very strange feeling.
Congrats! You look marvelous and your attitude is going to take you to heights that you have only dreamed of!!
*hugs*
Lori - bringing home *MY* form of sexy one day at a time!
Highest 315 ~ Pre-Surgery 297 ~ Current 159
~ Goal 149
Highest 315 ~ Pre-Surgery 297 ~ Current 159
~ Goal 149
(deactivated member)
on 8/8/08 5:11 am - MN
on 8/8/08 5:11 am - MN
Christi - what a fantastic log of great WOW moments. Make sure to print this off and tuck it in a special place so when you're feeling down you can remind yourself of how far you've come. You've done a great job - keep up the great work!
Christi,
That is so amazing. I can only imagine how fantastic that you must feel. You deserve all of the attention - you worked hard for it. Don't feel bad about experiencing the joy - you aren't hurting anyone but yourself if you don't let it in.
That is so amazing. I can only imagine how fantastic that you must feel. You deserve all of the attention - you worked hard for it. Don't feel bad about experiencing the joy - you aren't hurting anyone but yourself if you don't let it in.
"Keep your eyes on the stars and your feet on the ground" - T. Roosevelt
Christi...your post was so beautiful...it brought tears to my eyes. I am so happy for you and proud of how far you have come.
You had a lot of WOW moments to be proud of......it feels so good to be normal. But, I understand the sadness too. It is amazing how differently people treat a thin person. We are the same person no matter what the size but people don't always see it that way.
Hugs, connie d
You had a lot of WOW moments to be proud of......it feels so good to be normal. But, I understand the sadness too. It is amazing how differently people treat a thin person. We are the same person no matter what the size but people don't always see it that way.
Hugs, connie d
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