I just can't believe it yet

I am having a really hard time lately accepting the complients I get from all of you fabulous people when I attend different events.  I am s afraid of posting or sharing my pictures with guys I meet online, because I am afraid that it will scare them away.  I am wondering if it is because I have not heard these encouraging words yet from my family that I am having such a hard time believing it or if it is because of my younger sister's comment last weekend that she is afraid I will gain all of  my weight back if I start adding some grains to my diet.  Does anyone have any tips for how to cope with this?

My dear, you are a beautiful woman, inside and out!  You look great, your pics will not scare away any sane man.  Also, any man who is really worth your time and effort, will not be scared away by your picture.  Truely!  I've struggled with this too, with posting body shots on dating sites, but once I did it, I realized that it was the best thing to do.  I only meet men who are attracted to me as I am.  It would really suck to have great conversation with somebody on the web, and/or on the phone, only to have them get "that look," when you meet (if they are that shallow and you don't meet some unrealistic criteria).  It's kind of one of those things where you take a deep breath, and just do it.  If you can't do it on your own, have somebody help you take a bunch of pictures, in different poses and all, and pick just one to start out with.  Also, right or wrong, posting a pic does help get more responses.

Christi~Thank you!  I do have a couple of full body pictures on my profile, I am just nervous about what others will think of them.  Hopefully in the next couple of weeks I can get some better pictures that I like to post.

Nicole,  you won't accept anything that you don't believe within yourself.  I always tell my clients that if they are offended by a comment made by another person, it is probably because they relate to it on some level.  For example, if I told you that the bright orange tints in your hair were really unattractive you would just ignore my comment because you'd know that there wasn't any truth to it.  What gets people going is the fears and insecurities that are triggered by another's comment or a perceived situation...there's still a part of you that probably fears gaining back weight if you make consistently poor food choices or a part of you that still expects men to treat you the way that you did when you were bigger.  Some people are going to have a very positive response to you and others aren't - the only way to maintain stability in your life is to focus on what you can control - how you respond to yourself and the level to which you "need" the outside affirmations of others to determine how you feel.  I would recommend that you continue to do some personal self-esteem work  and daily affirmations exercises.  You might also want to read a bit on co-dependency and adult children of alcoholics stuff - not because those terms necessarily apply, but the materials usually have good information on practicing good self-care.  I don't mean my recommendations as an insult - you know that I am a strong advocate of therapeutic work and so I mean my recommendations in the kindest way.  I also don't know you well, but the part of you that I have seen is that of a strong woman who knows a lot about what she wants/doesn't want from life and isn't afraid to go after it.  You're a great friend and very supportive of others.  I know that the majority of time you are able to focus on these traits of yourself so I hope that you are able to find ways to allow them to shine ever more brightly in your life and push away the insecurities even more.

Now, if I could just practice what I preach.  Easier said than done. 

Jen~In reading your post several points really resonated with what I do know deep down and has made me realize that perhaps a bit of my depression is starting to sneak back in because up until recently I have been very happy with how everything is going.  I have been through 3 years of therapy (individual, group, DBT, day treatment and residential) so I have looked at my history of co-dependancy and low self-esteem, I think I am just going to have to focus on reframing my thinking and keep an eye out for possible other depression symptoms returning.  I am hoping now that I am able to run again that it will get the endorphins up and dispell these symptoms.  Thank you for all of your advise! 

Hi again Nicole, I'd posted a reply prior to my new one, though doesn't show--anyway, siblings sure know how to  push our buttons, don't they?  I still go through the same thing with my two sisters not saying a word good or bad about my having gone from size 22W two years ago to the size six and eights I now wear.  I agree with 'new day coming's' reply, plus have additional insight from my licensed psychologist whom I've been seeing for three years (the most dysfunctional upbringing catapulted me into 'lifer' therapy in mid- life, for which I'm so grateful.  I remember telling this doctor, I do not allow strangers to define who I am.  And that sadly includes my four siblings. We've got to seek and stick with our positive supporters.  Thankfully, we can choose our friends!  Regarding online dating pics, try to pose relaxed, non-posed shots, which I try to always capture anyway.  Take a deep breath, relax, and remind yourself we cannot change others' behaviors, though we CAN change our reaction/non-reaction to them.  Blessings and lots of love to you sweetie!  And, yes, you ARE 'cute as a button!'  Patti

I have learned or am learning to  smile and graciously say "Thank you."  One day our brains will catch up to what everyone else is seeing-at least that is my opinion. 

Keep smiling :)
Colleen

Colleen~I do the same thing, but it is harder some days especially when I am not feeling very attractive.  I certainly hope that my brain kicks in here and starts seeing what everyone else sees soon!  I hope you have a great day!  Nicole

Nicole,

I have a hard time too.....I think we all struggle with compliments...I know I try to change the subject.......After years of no compliments and now being flooded with them it's weird.......

As for family......I'm not sure why they don't say anything....Jealousy, thinking we'll fail as in the past.......

Don't worry about scaring any guys away.....You have changed so much......I meant every word the other night at MOA.....You are beautiful......Getting contacts is such a plus for you...I never saw your big brown eyes before......I'm jealous of your perfect complexion........The outfit you had on was awesome and showed your weight loss.......And your cute....... You're so nice and easy to talk to.......I think your only problem with guys will be, too many to pick from......

I don't really have any tips because I'm not that great with compliments either......The only thing that helps me is looking at before pictures and these random pictures that are taken, That's where I see the difference in myself......

Love, Kelly

Thank you Kelly!  I agree I think that after 28 years of no compliments and disapproving looks it is difficult to accept compliments and know that people actually mean what they are saying.  I am so happy to have my contacts it has really helped and now if I want a little different look I can throw on my glasses every now and then!  My eyes are often referred to in my hometown and by friends of the family as "Jarvis eyes"  I get them from my Dad's side of the family and I am very proud of them, the other thing that probably helps is that I now wear make up so that my eyes are even more defined than before.  Hopefully I can get some new pictures of myself this weekend or next and then I can create a new before & after set to compare.  With regard to my family, yest I think you are right, especially since the comments about my regaining weight came from the sister who is struggeling with her weight right now, but I am determined to prove her wrong and be the smallest sister soon!  Hopefully my head will stop this distorted thinking soon!