One year ago today

Today is my "surgiversary". Right about now I was in recovery in excrutiating pain wishing they'd put me under again! lol Am I happy I did it? Yes. But I'm very disappointed too. Weightloss surgery is not failing me - I am failing at weightloss surgery. I stupidly thought I would be able to change and that the "tool" would somehow magically fix everything. But, like everyone says, surgery doesn't fix your head. I'm eternally thankful I've lost as much weight as I have and am at least maintaining my loss. But I've still got a long way to go. Sometimes it gets a bit depressing hearing about everyone else's success and here I am at a weight that most other people are starting their journey at. I never thought I'd miss the days of throwing up - but I do. At least then I knew what I could and couldn't eat. Now I can eat ANYTHING. Of course, I can only eat a small amount of it, which is probably why I haven't gained weight back. I've still got that stupid "tomorrow I will" mentality. Tomorrow I'll eat better. Tomorrow I'll exercise more. blah blah blah. I really counted on having dumping syndrome. But, I guess my honeymoon phase is over. And I don't know if it's good or bad, but I'm almost happier than I've ever been in my life. I almost wish I was unhappy with who I am. Sometimes it plain sucks loving yourself too much lol :) I am still going to try harder at working my tool. And I am going to praise myself for the accomplishments I have made. Who knows - had I not done this, I may have been dead by now. I was in pretty sad shape a year ago. I couldn't even walk up a flight of stairs before. I used the drive thru grocery cuz it was too hard to walk around in the store. I only went to a few stores that I knew had parking close to the door. Oh, and how could I forget - I had to stop twice to catch my breath every morning walking from the parking lot into work. Then there was the whole matter of using 100+ units of insulin every day. So I have made progress. I just need to kick my ass into gear and work at this even harder.

First of all CONGRATS........  don't be so hard on yorself you are human.  NO ONE is perfect....  I have my struggles right along with everyone else.  The head hunger stuff is pretty darn powerful let me tell ya.  take care and don't beat yourself up over it.  I am praying for you hun to find your way back... Hugs Marsh

Thanks, Marsha.  I appreciate it.

It sounds to me like you have a pretty healthy head on your shoulders, Lois.  You are proud of the progress you've made, but acknowleging the fact that you can and should be using your tool more effectively.  Do you attend any support group meetings or coffee get-togethers up there in your neck of the woods?  Because I truly do believe, and the PNC program has proven, that people who take advantage of those kinds of gatherings are much more successful in the long term.  I don't know what I'd do without my twice a month PNC support group, or with my every-other-Saturday (+) coffee get togethers!  It's not like all we talk about is our WLS, but spending time with people who GET IT is just plain crucial to my staying on track, keeping my journey a priority.  What I'm saying is that you may want to seriously consider getting involved in any face-to-face WLS support you possibly can.  I think, perhaps even more than the surgery itself, THAT has changed my life!   You still have your tool, it isn't going anywhere.  It just sounds like you need to re-focus on what YOU need to do to help your TOOL be successful!!! Lots of hugs - and an open invite to any coffee get togethers you see posted here - EVERYONE IS WELCOME!!!

You always have such wonderful advice, Darla.  Just one of the many reasons I keep reading all the posts on this board.  One of my goals of weight loss surgery was to try and become more of a people person, but I'm not succeeding with that very well.  I've tried on several occasions to get my butt to MG coffee, but I always chicken out.  Don't know why, because you guys are su*****redible, loving, supportive people.  I'm also not fond of driving, which is why I tried to find people who would be interested in a coffee in Edina.  I know even though I didn't have surgery at PNC, I could attend the support group.  SLP is pretty close :)  Thanks, Darla, for being you!

Well just pinch your nose and jump in - I'm willing to bet you'll find yourself addicted! Why was I thinking you were up in the St. Cloud area?  MY BAD!  You DEFINITELY need to haul yourself to coffee AND PNC! 

haha - pinch my nose.  You probably thought I was in SC because I don't really venture outside my 5 mile radius here in Bloomington/Edina!  I've printed directions to MG coffee at least twice, but am terrified I'll get lost - what a stupid excuse, huh.  Lois definitely needs to get out more!

I'll pm you my cell number.  I know the area very well, if you get lost you can call me and I'll talk you in!

Oh dear Lois!  I feel compelled to respond, because I want to let you know that you are not alone! I too thought everything would magically change with surgery even though I was very aware of the fact that this was just a tool and that you had to make lifestyle changes - I still thought "SOMETHING" would magically change my relationship with food.  I DO NOT regret having this surgery on bit, but on some level, I don't see it that much differently than any other diet I've been on.  I realize now that if I would have been able successful at change my lifestyle with any other diet, I wouldn't have needed this surgery in the first place; Yes, we have a tool - but there's still a set of rules that you have to follow in order for the tool to be effective - just like any other diet.  For some, sticking to those rules after surgery is easier than it is for others (whatever the reason) and for some the side effects of not sticking to the rules are more severe than it is for others.  For me, I so wish I could say that I was didn't buy the (unhealthy) pringles that I just bought over lunch to go with my (healthy) un-wich from Jimmy Johns - but I did and I've eaten about 6 of them so far.  I don't know what my problem is I can CONSCIOUSLY go into a store telling my self not to buy the "crap food" and 15 minutes later walk out with a load of it.  I don't know why I do this.  I know consciously that I if I continue to stuff my face with the crap food that I will end up where I was, but I don't know how to stop it.  It's almost a compulsion for me! I love to eat.  I don't even care if the food tastes good, I want to eat all the time.  I've taken a bite of something and said, man this doesn't even taste that great - why am I consuming the calories on something not fabulous - but I will continue to eat it no matter what. I don't know how to change this part of me. Hopefully my therapy will help, but I too fear that I am going to be one of the "failure statistics" with this surgery.  So please know that I completely understand where you're at.  Maybe we should be accountability partners for each other since we both seem to be struggling so much.  I don't know, but I do know that if I don't change what I'm doing soon - this surgery will be for nothing and I just don't want that to happen.  I will PM you my email and phone number so if you want to talk you'll have the info. Aside from all that though, please, please, please feel good about where you're at right now - you've lost a lot of weight, you've improved your health and your activity level - these are crucially important and should not be discounted just because you're not where you think you should be.  One thing I do know is that if you continue to beat yourself up, instead of praising yourself for what you have done, you will continue to fail. So lighten up on yourself and maybe you'll find yourself getting lighter all over! Take care and love

Accountability partners, huh?  I like that idea.  I will look for your PM.  Thanks!!!!!!