OT: Update on Me (long)

I have received some very kind notes inquiring as to where I've been and some really nice snail mailed cards wishing me support and encouragement.  So I thought I would share what's been keeping me away from this board and some of the coffee groups.  It's my struggle with depression.  I'm in about as deep as I have ever been and I'm miserable.  I'm crying as I write this because quite frankly crying comes fairly easy to me lately; especially during the week when I have to work.  It seems that my depression is the worst when I HAVE to do something - like go to work.  I'm usually okay on the weekends because I get to do whatever I want.  However, keeping to myself is very easy on the weekends too, so I'm trying to push myself to get together with others and make it to coffees. I saw my doctor on Friday and we're switching my meds - but as many of you who also suffer from depression know, meds aren't an exact science and even when they do work, they can take several weeks to kick in.  But I'm thankful that I at least took action and am trying to get better.  I'm also seeing a therapist now, my next appt is next Tuesday, I'm really looking forward to it.  I so wish I could get back to how I felt for that very short month of February when I finally believed in myself and believed all the wonderful things that you folks told me.  I know I can get back there, it will just take time. My therapist suggested the book, The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns.  It's a two inch thick book, but has exercises that you have to do - so it's supposed to really drill the lessons into your daily life so it becomes habit.  I haven't read much more than the introduction yet, but I've paged through some of it and I think it might have been written just for me.  It's somewhat comforting (albeit unfortunate) to know that others have had the same horrible thoughts in their head as me - I thought I was a freak.   I feel as if I should be more appreciative of the life I've been given considering that many others are going through much worse things in their life.  I do try to keep everything in perspective, but right now this is huge and real to me and quite frankly I don't know how to survive through it - so if you've got a spare prayer, I'd be willing to be the recipient. Please know that even though I'm not responding to many posts, I'm reading many of them I just don't have a lot of "cheerleading" in me right now.  I hope to return to normal soon, until then please know that I love you each dearly! Love, Tracy

(((Tracy))) Just as obesity is a disease so is depression. Work through it just like you are working through your obesity and be patient. Everything will work out and you will have the life you always dreamed of! Be kind to yourself during this time.

Hope you feel better soon.  Depression is hard and can really mess with someone mind.  Hopefully the meds will kick in fast and you'll be your chipper self soon. XXOO

Tracy, I so know where you are coming from, I have been in the same place myself.  I still struggle.  You are doing the right things to try and work through all of this.  You will be back to your old self soon.  Know that you are not alone.

Tracy, Honey-- I can so relate to what you're going through.  It seems like the body builds up a resistance to some anti-depressants after awhile.  I was on one for several years, and didn't consciously notice it wasn't effective any more. My (first) 4th year placement didn't pan out because I just couldn't get my stuff together enough to do the basic expectations of my supervisor. This went over like a lead fart, and I ended up dropping out of this placement because the super wouldn't/couldn't give me passing mark--and getting my degree depended on a 'pass'. Getting turfed out was very depressing and made me feel lower than a snake's belly.  HOWEVER, after a good talk with my GP, we decided to try another medication. I started on the lowest dose--of course--and ended up on the maximum dose. This has been a life saver!  I did get another placement, and it was like night and day!  The people are SUPER and I loved it!  I not only got a 'pass' on the placement, but my supervisor said to use her for a reference. I really don't think that without the change in meds I could've coped in any way in any place. So, my Sweetheart, I just want you to know that I am praying for you. Life will get better. Be kind to yourself and know that many people LOVE you to pieces! (((HUGS)) and **SUE**

Tracy, Keep plugging away at it as much as you are able to.  Depression is a very difficult disorder to work through because the desire to just want to NOT do anything is so intense.  You can, and will, work through it though.  The book that your therapist recommended is excellent.  It was a critical part of my own recovery from depression and I often recommend it to the clients that I work with as well. Hang in there and know that we are all cheering you on!

Tracy ~ I am so glad you are taking the necessart steps to get back to yourself. I have never suffered from depression on that scale so I can't say I know where you are coming from. But I can say I am here to support ya and will say a prayer that you will be back to yourself real soon. Hang in there.

Hi Tracy,

Depression is a nasty hole to dig out of.  If you can make yourself, it's easier with friends though.  I'm on my 3rd or 4th type of med.  I guess they are helping but as you know, time will tell.

One thing that seems to help me is to take a few minutes (less if you need to start) and just find a quiet place and visualize yourself in a good place.  Smiling as you walk down the sidewalk with folks smiling back.  The sun shining but not too hot...  You doing things that you love to do.  Visualizing them seems to help me make them come true  :)  It might work for you too  :)

While I don't know you personally, if you feel the need to talk, please feel free to PM me.

*hugs* as you work through this and beyond!

Hi Tracy Sorry about your issues. It was great to see you at play date and meet Alfie. Have a great day and my thoughts and prayers are with you! Jim

My heart goes out to you honey! I wish I knew what to say to make it all go away. But know that you are loved and in my thoughts and prayers.