Statistics about marriage and WLS

When I began going through this process of WLS my fiance was super supportive.. then we got married a year ago this past May. The closer it got to my surgery the more he feared I'd leave him afterwords. I kept trying to assure him that wouldn't happen that I loved him ect.... well it's happend. Things starting going sour with us after the surgery and have gotten worse. I finally made the decision to move out with the kids a few weeks ago, and will do so this week. I feel so bad, and I feel sad, and all he can keep saying is that he knew this would happen. Why did I have to go ahead with the surgery if he kept telling me this would happen... but I dont see it that way. I keep trying ot point out the things I told him repeatedly that I was unhappy with. Things that he refused to acknowledge were a problem.  My question is did any of you have problems in your marriage after the WLS... did your spouse blame the surgery for the problems instead of focusing on the issues between the two of you? did you separate because of it? did you work it out after a break? ok I realize that was several questions... but I'd like to know... is this something ppl can come back from, or will I just always spin my wheels regarding it. I don't want to bother with counseling, I'm far beyond that where I just want to be alone right now to figure things out, and I think he could use time alone to learn HOW to be alone too. ok thanks for listening Hugs Lisa

Lisa, So sorry your going through this...... I can't help much as I have a wonderful marriage. But I do remember my pshycologist saying that 70% of marriages fail after WLS if there is any problems before hand.  I know you said you don't want counceling........But do you think marriage counceling could help? I don't know your situation, but I would ask yourself 2 question's, Do I love this man and Is this marriage worth saving by getting some outside help? It's too bad he blames the WLS. Would he go to counceling? My thoughts & prayers are with you at this very emotional time. Kelly

{{{{{{{{{{{Lisa}}}}}}}}}}} I don't have any information for your questions, but I just wanted to let you know that I feel for you and am sending prayers of support and love your way.  I also suggest that you both check out some marriage counceling if the problems in your marriage are something that you think can be resolved and you want to resolve.

Lisa, I'm so sorry to hear this - I CAN imagine the stress it all causes. Rich and I have plenty of issues in our marriage.  We had gotten some counseling a couple of years ago, before I ever even contemplated WLS.  I had heard the same statistics you had.  There have been plenty of times I doubted we'd make it another day, plenty of times he has blamed things on my WLS.  But we've fought, we've discussed, and so far, we've been making it.  If anything, I think he has made MORE of an effort to contribute to our relationship in the past year, perhaps out of fear that I would leave him?  The thought has crossed my mind enough times...   So I am in NO WAY in a position to offer you any advice.  But I am happy to offer you my shoulder, any time you feel the need.  You are a dear, sweet lady, and IF there is any way talking with me might help, or at least feel good?  You have my number. 

I have heard that a person can be so fearful that something bad is going to happen that they inadvertantly take steps that make it happen. Did that make sense? it is like if I have to walk infront of a group and i am so nervouse about tripping that I actually cause myself to trip. Anyway, I have faith that you are doing what is right for you. it could be that the WLS has given you courage that you have not had before.

My problem has always been self confinence. i never went out of the house. Now that i feel i look "presentable" i take only small steps as to not worry my husband. Don't want to shock his system into him being selfconsious.

I also have no answers for you, I can only tell you to follow your heart, and where ever you end up is where you were ment to be.

PS FYI .. I can't spell worth a crap!!!

Hi Lisa,  I know exactly what you are saying.  I have been married 18+ yrs and I was aware of all the stats before I started this journey.  My husband was super jealous long before wls and he had plenty of fear that this would be the end or our marriage based on those statistics, plus a co-worker of his told him that "everyone that has that surgery gets divorced?"  So he was really a freak for the first year.  His fears have subsided somewhat, as I am 21 months post op, but it was difficult getting to this point.  In some ways it has strengthened our marriage, but in other ways it has caused a lot of doubt.  I am changing, not only my weight but my personality and my friends and the fact that I dont just sit around in my recliner anymore, I want to be going and doing things.  He was secure with me sitting around not doing anything because I couldnt get myself in any "trouble" there!!  I wish you luck and hope everything works out for the best.  I'm sending out prayers to you and your family. Marylou

((((LISA))))  I am sooo sorry that you are going thru this!  I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and praying that things turn out for the best! HUGE HUGS!!!

Thank you all for your replies and your kinds words. I will give the counseling a longer pause and ask him if he would be interested. In the meantime, I will move into my own place just for some space and see what happens there.  Darladee.... I may be calling you soon. Hugs everyone! love you all L.

Awwwwwwwwwww  I have alot to say ... but the bottom line is its not the surgery... people somtimes change or stop accepting things they used to... before this step is there any chance of counseling?

At this point no. Right now he blames my surgery and everyone else for this... he refuses to look at himself at all... so until things calm down a bit we just need to be apart. Perhaps in a few weeks we can take another look at wheather or not we want to go to counseling but for right now no.