How and When to tell People

Ok- So I have shared my plan to have surgery with very few people.  My Parents know ( Father had RNY in 2006, Mother had band in 2007 ) They live in Ohio and I live in Minnesota. My husband and children know- My Supervisor knows as I had to schedule time off after surgery but I asked her not to share the information with anyone yet. And a very close friend at work knows.

My dilemma is this- Yesterday at my in-laws house for Easter we were talking about another family get together for April 26.  My surgery is April 25th, I wanted to tell them right then and there but I couldn't.  My husband and his family are all thin and beautiful.  They have never struggled with weight issues like my side of the family.  I am so embarrassed to do things with them. My husband's parents live on the lake and we are over there ALL the time in the summer, but I can't stand to be seen in a bathing suit so I am the one up at the house reading a book or sitting on the dock watching them swim and ski.  Shopping with my size 6, (maybe 8) sister in law just doesn't happen anymore because I can't wear anything in the stores she shops in and I would sooner crawl under a rock than ask her to come into Lane Bryant.

I am just afraid of the confrontations I think it will cause.  Having them tell me to just exercise and eat less. Telling me they love me the way I am.  Telling me not to be so vain.  It is stuff I have heard many many times when I have been dieting… They just don’t get it.  Don’t realize how I am really feeling about myself because I try to be an upbeat happy person all the time.  I have yoyo-ed with my weight for 16 years- I can’t do it on my own- and yes I guess I do feel like I failed myself.  But I believe this tool is what I need to succeed!  

I am scared that at age 36 I am avoiding doing things I love because of the way I look and feel.  I am scared of the recent diagnosis of diabetes.  I am scared that my knees hurt just to walk down a flight of stairs.  I know in my heart this is the right thing to do.I am not planning on lying or not telling people AFTER the surgery- as I hope they can have some couth and not belittle my decision when it is done.  

But I am curious of when you told people and how it went.

 

Thanks for sharing this. I just recently wrote my parents and told them. I haven't had a relationship with them for 2 years. Long story.....I saw someone they knew, so I felt obligated to tell them before this person did. I think you'll know when to tell them. And I believe when you do, you'll be a more confident person, and they will see that, and hopefully respect your decision. Thin people just don't get what were going through. They think because it's easy for them it should be easy for all. Just remember why your doing this, it's not for them or anyone else, it's for you. Good luck. Keep us posted. Kelly

I told everyone and anyone. I was embarrassed by how I looked, but I was very proud of the fact that I was doing something for me and my family. I didn't really care what other people said, because I knew that I had done everything I could and it was not going to happen naturally. My family was scared for me, but I explained why, what I had done to loose it, reminded them that I had tried and failed every diet possible, and I was now getting health problems. They supported me, but were afraid of complications. Everyone at work was actually supportive, and actually ended up asking me so many questions. They were all interested in how it is done, the lifestyle afterwards, and wanted to know more about it, so I told everyone if they had questions, to feel free to ask. I had been researching it for 4 years so I explained I wasn't going into it blind. My friends were just jealous that I was going to get more attention than them if I lost the weight quickly lol. That's what they said, some jokingly some now that I have had the surgery, are actually serious. But I never lost any friends after surgery, I survived, so my family is now happy to see how healthy I am, and the ladies at work can't even remember what I looked like before unless I show my pics that I carry around with me always. Sorry, long answer. Do what is right for you, but eventually they are going to figure it out, and better to prepare them than to have freak out on you later. Good Luck

I understand what you mean.  I didn't want to tell anyone either.  Namely I didn't want to hear the line "Have you tried Dieting before?" Well one day while I was going back and forth on the phone with insurance one of the girls at work over heard me and the cat was out of the bag.   Sadly I got the line "Have you tried dieting"  me being the whitty person that I am had quite the snappy come back. none the less weather you tell them now or later the reations are going to be the same.  some will judge you and some will think its the best thing you have ever done. the ones who judge you are just catty wentches and should be cursed to wear cheap polyester for the rest of their lives. Also your not having the surgery to be thin and beautiful.  Your having the surgery to be healthy and happy.  You are already very beautiful and that has nothing to do with the size of your pants or what you ate for dinner. did I just get all rambly?  I did...  I say buck it up tell them if they have anything ill to say poke em in the eye...  ^_^

I was feeling the same way.  It is a very personal decision.  My suggestion is to wait until you are comfortable.  If they give you a hard time just remember they haven't been in your shoes.  Nine chance out of ten they are going to be supportive.  Let me know if you need to talk.  REMEMBER    we are neighbors and I am just a phone call away.

Kelly , Nicole, Rindayln and Kathi- Thanks for your input- Part of me just wants to tell everyone- cause I am so excited- That's why I love it here!  But I just do not know what my husband's family will say...

I am thinking of telling them the day of -after I am out of surgery- LOL- I will have my hubby call them-

grrrr I just don't know- I get emotional so easily and although I know they won't change my mind I am not wanting to get hurt feelings either.

dont rush and make a decision.  You have a whole month to debate it. Either way do what is best for YOU!  Know that the OH family is always here, but the rest of the world is not so nice

I told my closest friends, my children, my mom and siblings, no one else.  When I am asked how I'm doing this, I tell them I am on a medically supervised eating program with both a nutritionist and my doctor and my blood work is checked regularly (I've had some say I'm not eating healthy).  I point out the fact that my diabetes is gone, I no longer have sleep apnea, my cholesterol is normal, etc. and say the weight loss is just gravy!  In other words, I just leave out the surgery part.  I did not tell anyone at work - when I asked for time off I just said I needed surgery and requested time off - and because of HIPAA, I did not need to give any further info.  This has worked really well for me...those that love and care for me all know, those that don't, don't know.  This is such a personal decision and too many people feel it's the easy way out...they don't know that there are days I almost want to cry because I crave sugar sooooooooo much, and I'm not showing willpower by not eating it, I'm just avoiding a dump! My ex-inlaws are all super skinny-at or below 100lbs each.  I would NEVER tell them.  Let them think I've just finally found a diet that works for me, or the strength to finally lose, I don't care.  I spent the last 21 years feeling put down by these people, I would never put myself in a position to be put down again. My advice is tell who you feel comfortable telling.  The rest?  Nope! Rambling, sorry... Debi

My life is always such an open book anyway...I've been willing to tell just about anyone about surgery. Just about everyone I had some sort of relationship with at home, at work, wherever - knew about my surgery. I guess I kind of figured that with a rapid weightloss it would be kind of awkward to leave people wondering and they're going to see it & notice. It seemed MORE awkward to me NOT to tell people around me and just be up-front about it. People have been very supportive in general. Of course, every once in a while you get the crazy one that gives some unsolicited advice - I simply don't give a rats ass enough to stress over it. I usually just say thank you and move on or move the conversation. Either they support you or they don't , right? Are you going to let a negative opinion sway you from your choice to have surgery? What matters is that those you love support you in this process and that YOU believe this is the right choice for you. Big HUGS for moving through this - I get that it's difficult!

I am struggling with that one as well. I told my boss because I felt it was the right thing to do. My parents know and a few close friends right now. I am considering telling a close coworker but I am not sure how he will respond so I keep chickening out. I haven't told my brother but I will before surgery. I have told folks at work I am having girlie surgery and no one asks any questions :) I will be fine with telling them after but I don't want opinions before. Good luck in what ever you decide.