OT - need help with a relationship question...

For those of you following my Blog here and my posts on Chef Rob...I need some advice. Rob commented a little over a week ago that although his kids want to meet me, he's not so sure about it because he "didn't know where this was going yet".   I'm definitely falling in love with this guy.  He cares for me, he's told me that much.  But, at what point should he have an idea on "where its going"?  I know marriage isn't gonna happen, he doesn't want that and really I don't know if I really want that either.  Where else would it go? I'm not real great with deciphering man talk...so I've been a bit confused since he made that comment. Its important to me that he meets my son.  My boy (15 yrs) is pretty much a mama's boy and is getting kind of jealous and acting out. I think it would be easier on him if he met Rob.  So, I'm thinking I'm going to just tell Rob, if we are going to continue seeing each other, then he needs to meet my son.  We've talked about it, but I haven't pushed it. And honestly, if he doesn't see this going somewhere, what is the point? I guess I started questioning all this when my friend dropped his I love you bombshell.  He's still in hot pursuit and I just don't know what the heck to do.  Do I wait around for Rob or do I go with the "sure thing" so to speak?  I like them both for completely different reasons. Good grief, who would have thought a year ago March 1st, I'd be agonizing trying to pick between two men!!!  Life is funny I guess, just not ha ha funny this time.

My two cents: Make a list of what the perfect relationship would look like for you.  You deserve that!  Don't take the crumbs from anyone.  You deserve the whole platter.  (I'd say keep the kids out of the whole thing until you have aq clear picture of the future.)  :O) Lisa Joy

I agree about keeping the kids out of it. And you're right...I do deserve to get everything I want and if I'm with someone who won't or can't give me that, then whats the point?

It is a painful thing for a small amount of time.  I believe you will not be happy someone who does not make you feel wanted in a variety of situations.  I was in a situation like that, then I met my husband.  My husband always is one step ahead of my thoughts.  He knows how to treat someone he loves.  I can't begin to tell you how all my anxiety and worries just melted away.  I feel so secure and have time in my life to focus on others and I have a much healthier well rounded, balanced life.  So......this friend of yours who popped the "I love you"  Try it out!  It may feel so good.  It is so cool that you are friends to begin with.  That's HUGE!!!!   Are you attracted to him?  If not, I kinda think that comes...........  :O) 

Lisa Joy

Hi Tina, actually, why not join us for the fun escape to Two Harbors Feb. 29 til March 2nd.  Amazing what a fun, positive getaway will do for the ol' perspective!  Come on up for some major bonding, laughter, chats, and ultimate relaxation!  Hmmmmmmmm...having broke up with my boyfriend of nineteen months, just three weeks ago (solely my choice) I'm fresh with my two-cents-plus ideas.  Just my thoughts, take them or leave them...Since getting fit after WLS, I feel I've nearly wasted twenty months in a dead-end relationship.  Granted, we met one month before my surgery, and became very close friends prior to going to the intimate level at seven months,long after I'd found out he's bi-polar, and when feeling good stops the meds, crashes so low, then self-medicates with booze and smoking.  Now at age 52, I've never had an honestly genuine relationship, and had been blinded by the fact he's so involved in drumming in  Christian bands plus mentoring high schoolers' Christian band at church.  I feel like I'm now having the experience meeting guys, doing it right (finally) after the shallow experiences starting in college in my 20s, then into the 30s and 40s.  OK, this guy physically assaulted me in November, then again Jan. 18.  First time, shame on him...second time, shame on me. And I even got fooled for letting him accompany me to the city attorney to drop charges against him for the first assault...I'd actually known since last August to get out, but had become way co-dependent.

My feeling is if I were in your shoes, I would definitely give Rob the leap of faith.  I know different single parents have varying degrees of getting their kids involved in the parent relationships.  This is still so new for you two, my thought is to let things settle, even though you both know marriage is not an option. 

 For my now ex and me, we were 'very close friends with privileges', and I never grasped why his fourteen-year-old son supposedly should not find out 'ex' and I were 'together as way more than casual friends...as much relied on his mental illness, and much is being processed in my now-weekly psychotherapy with the psychologist I've been seeing off and on the past three years (initially for MS issues, then found after my GP recommended WLS surgery, I found  out it's her specialty, then the 'relationship' crud.   This may all be TMI, but just to give a full scope of where I'm coming from and at.  Yes, I spent too much time with my 'sure thing', although I do subscribe to the theory of leaving people better off than before meeting.   I don't recall ever wanting to marry or have kids, though that reflects on the fact I 'd never found 'the one;'  though used to think I'd be happy with 'the one I could live with'--although twice  getting hurt there, realized it's got to be 'the one I can't live without'.  Don't know if it's in the cards, though as I'm financially and emotionally secure , very independent and don't 'need' a man, though certainly would 'choose' one who complements my life.  Ooops, gotta sign off here, or find a publisher!  Take care of you, and don't necessarily opt for the 'easy' answer of the sure thing.  Put your honest trust in Rob, although definitely set a time-frame for your final decision.  Best of the best to you dear!  Hugs galore, Patti who's been on the boards way too long today and brain is getting wonky....)  Yes, please consider getting away for the upcoming weekend!

Hi Tina...I am with Lisa Joy on this one. Make a list of what is important to you in a relationship. Then make a list of each guys plus' and minus'. Match it up with your list and decide who has what you are looking for. Might surprise yourself and find out neither are right or you might find Mr. Right. Good Luck!! Hugs, connie d

Well I don't know about anyone else, but my hubby told me he knew from day #3 I was the one.  And I knew too.  While it is nice to get to know each other, I'm a firm believer that if he is the one, and she is the one, you know very soon in a relationship and can openly discuss it without any fears.  Being a divorced parent with two little girls 20 years ago, I definitely kept them away from all "Mr. He Might Do" 's.  You certainly don't want your children to get attached to anyone they are not going to be seeing forever.  They can't handle the emotions.   Personally I would let both of the guys go.  Chef Rob seems to not be able to get over the fence and sounds like the fence posts are starting to embed themselves up his butt.  If someone can't tell you after 4 months how he feels about you, he's just waiting for something else to come along sweetie!!  The second guy obviously has absolutely no respect for relationships.  So what would stop him from being on the other side of this pursuit thing and cheating on you.  Besides, some guys are great until they get you, then they treat you like crap. Pack up the puppy and your oven mitts and send the Chef to another restaurant.  And tell the friend to back off -- if he really cares for you, he'll do it. DON'T EVER SETTLE FOR MR. HE MIGHT DO -- It's a long time together if you aren't happy opposed to time flying because you are soooo happy.  I have repeatedly told my girls that when the right guy comes along, they will know it.  They kept telling me "there are no more guys like Jeff (my hubby), we are a different generation".  Well guess what?  The oldest is soooo happy in her new relationship and she said "you were right again -- we both knew and he is soooo great -- just like you said Mr. Right would be".  The youngest is in a relationship that is a second time around (he left her for his prior girlfriend and when that didn't work out he came back to her), it's been 11 months and he always answers her questions with "if I weren't in the picture, what would you do"....guess what -- he's not planning on being in the picture!!!  But she still can't see it so she will have her heart broken..... You need to be with someone who has mutual love, respect and communication.  You are already not expressing your emotions to him because you are afraid of scaring him off.  I find that scary....you are already compromising yourself. ALL OF THIS IS SAID WITH LOVE!!!  I'M NOT AN EXPERT BY ANY MEANS!!! XXOO

My feeling since the get go with "Rob" has been that hes running the show and keeping you sort of like on the sideline but not any closer.   Have you read the book "Hes just not that into you?" Could part of your attraction to Rob be that he keeps you abit distant and it keeps you always trying? I hope what IM saying isnt harsh... I dont mean it to be but you asked for advice and this has been my feeling.  Someone that doesnt want you to meet his kids is because he doesnt want them to get to know you and for what reason?   Please keep your son out of this... if he's acting out now I fear it might get worse... whats the point are you going to start doing things all together as a big blended family? This other man might be the one I dont know but try and evaluate if he's just "to easy" cos he wants you and loves you and Rob might be more of a challenge due to him running the show and keeping you at arms length. You are so beautiful... you have come so far with weight and a bad relationship that beat down your esteem.  You deserve the best make sure you see what your heart wants and get it.. Ask youserlf... does this relationship fullfill you or are you always hoping he will give you that one little peice thats missing? Many hugs Linda

After just coming off of a 3+ year relationship (a week ago Saturday), I don't know that I am the best one to give advice either, but I think you should forgo BOTH of them.  Rob doesn't seem like he wants to be committed at all, other than an occasional fun time, and the other guy jumps into your life with an "I Love YOU" just as you are getting into another relationship - that he KNEW you were getting into?  That sounds a little controlling to me.  I say - drop them both - and go out there and find the one that is right for you. Lets you be you and enhanses your life with his activities (and you do the same for him). Not one that dictates what you can and can't do, or that attempts to sway your decision by pulling on you heart strings.  (I wish I had been this clear headed 2+ years ago - wouldn't have spent all that time in the relationship I was in).  Best of luck to you - and what ever you decide to do, we are here for you with love and support...we just want what is best for YOU! with love, Laurie

Hello Tina,   I am a "lurker" who is officially coming out of the closet this week and I read many of these online conversations, from which my life has been enriched. I just read the responses to your post and was, once again, moved by the words of encouragement for you dear. As Linda mentioned, the book "He's Just Not that Into You" was a life saver for me. . . When I didn't want to know that I was on the wrong (or shall we say, the least optimal) path, I would say things to myself like,"Oh Cindy, you expect too much. He's a guy and guys. . blahblah blah blah." I made excuses for several players that way  until. . . I read the book. It was an eye-opener. ALso, I'd like to ditto my sis, Lisajoy, (and I knew she'd say that!) Take no crumbs. We've all been telling each other that for years. . . and we're all finally listening.    YEA!!!!!!!  Life IS good when we keep the bar high enough to stand under, without bowing or crouching. Tace good care, Cindy (newbie) P.S. Is there spellcheck here? I type fast and carelessly and rely on it.