My pre-surgery nervous break down

This will probably be a LONG rambling post but just need to have a place to sort out my thoughts and in case others could relate to my pre-surgery break down I thought I'd post it here.   On Saturday I was out to dinner with my husband and when ever we eat out lately I start talking to him about how things are going to be different after surgery and eating out won't be so much fun for me.  He listens but I really don't think he understands it.   Anyway somehow we got on to a topic of when we first met.   I was 18 years old and actually only weighed 180 lbs at the time (vs my 320 now).   I always knew he wasn't attracted to me the first time we met and he always denies this but he says he had to get to know me.  Well when he says that it confirms to me he wasn't attracted to me when he met me.   Anyway he says he loves me more than anything now and he is very attracted to me and that is all that matters.    While I totally believe he loves me and is attracted to me I can't help but feel like even when I was 180 lbs I didn't feel good about myself.  I had this huge break down as soon as we left the resturant that what if I lose all that weight and I get to my goal of 160 lb and still don't feel good about myself.  I just started crying so much and realized this is my biggest fear of this surgery.   But by having my break down (which I suspect is just 1 of a few to come) I realized more than ever that this surgery isn't going to fix everything (I knew this logicall all a long but didn't let it really sink in until now).  I'm really going to have to work on this self esteem issues.  I think I realize that I put on weight because I always felt people didn't like me and the reason was I always could say was because I was overwight.   The weight became this excuse for all the things wrong that I felt about myself.   Its not that people didn't like me it was that I didn't like myself and could blame it on the weight.  Now the weight won't be there and I won't have anything to blame the dislike in myself on anything.    I truely can not picture myself thin and feel at times I am going to loose myself. When I was that 18 year old at 180 lbs I didn't have any self esteem or confidence in myself.  I thought I was not good at anything. At the weight I am now I do have some confidence and more I am more outgoing, which is weird to me but I think its a tool that I develop that I hope will help me face the 18 year old me and the reason I gained all that weight in the first place.  I think this is going to be one amazing journey of self discovery.   I have a lot of questions that I need to find awswers to and make peace with myself as the weight comes off.    I hope my rambling made some sense and that others can relate.  I think these mini breakdows are kind of Aha moments in disguise and I am thankful I experienced it to get a clearer look at my fears and face them. 

WOW!  Were you just writing about YOU or ME???  I can totally relate and I think that's one of the reasons I'm trying to self-sabatoge my efforts.  I don't really have any words of advice except to say that you NEED to address this as soon as you can - I'm nine months out and finally am realizing this and have finally gotten myself scheduled for therapy and the binge eating disorder clinic.  This is the kind of crap that will definitely give you a run for your money.  You have so eloquently described what's going on with yourself and you sound as if you're dead on - since you have that revelation now - try and get yourself into see a pyschologist or pyschotherapist that specializes in eating issues - you will SO thank yourself in the long run! Good luck to you - anyone who says WLS is the easy way out is ignorant - it may just be the hardest thing you do - because it's not just about limiting your eating - it's dealing with all the demons that you have buried in the fat that is the true test of success in this surgery!  At least that's my opinion! Take care, Tracy

Thanks Tracy for the feedback.  I have been in weekly counseling for over a year now it started out as a way to fix some marriage problems but has now progressed to working on myself. Facing some issues from my childhood and now on issues about my upcoming surgery.  My counselor is a wonderful woman she had been trying to get me to see this stuff but until this last weekend I was didn't grasp what she was getting at.   It also a plus that her son had this surgery so she can at kind of relate to the battles we have with ourselves.     I agree this will be the hardest thing I have done and will do.   I'm now excited to face some of this stuff or at least motivated.    Kathy

Hey, Tracy. I'm feeling like Kathy O. in so many ways.   Here's what's been going through my mind:  Can't I put this off for a while longer?  Can't I get this weight off by myself?  You're not going to be able to  handle another big thing like this right now.  What if the surgery causes a whole new array of problems you have to learn to cope with?  After all, the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know....and on and on. Not the best self talk, I know, but that's what's going through my mind.  You mentioned that you are now seeing a therapist and are signed up for a binge eating disorder clinic.  Would you mind giving me more information on the clinic and on the therapist.  Or, if anyone has a therapist they liked, I'd appreciate a name.  I live in St. Paul and would like someone I don't have to drive to for a long distance.   Thanks!  And, hang in there Kathy O. Kathy

Hey Honey!  ((((HUGS))))  Let me tell you I can relate!  After giving birth to my first child about 3 months after, my DH tells me he wished I had the body I did when we were married! EEEKKS!At our wedding I was 210.  After Baby: 243.  I got soooo depressed that I started to pile a little on.  Yo-yo'ed for a while.  Like you those words haunted me, making me believe he wasn't attracted to me anymore.  MY insecurities!!  Well, now he say I am too thin (like soo many, but they are not use to me but plump!). OK, so here I go!  CONGRATS!!!  You love yourself enough to make yourself healthier by WLS!!!  CONGRATS!!!  You realize that this IS a tool and that you WILL discovery things about yourself!!  CONGRATS!!! You are in therapy!!  YOU ARE GONNA DO AWESOME!!!  Take each day one at a time and continue therapy!! (a Godsent for me).  Learning to love yourself takes time.  As my therapist said "it was years of not loving yourself and loving yourself WON'T happen overnight".  HERE'S to you!!  ONE DAY AT A TIME!!  ONE WOW AT A TIME!!  AND TO A BETTER< HAPPIER< HEALTHIER YOU!!!

Thanks Sandie!!  Makes me feel really good about what I discovered.   Lots more to discovering but just need to remember your advice to keep it one day at a time and this all won't happen overnight.  Very good advice!

Kathy, As I read your post I had two thoughts.  At 18, I kinda think MOST girls who carry extra weight, even just a little, have crappy self esteem.   I wouldn't worry about whether or not your hubby was attracted to you the first time you met - maybe he wasn't CRAZY about you, but he was interested enough to meet you again!  And again, and again... I mean, you ARE married to the man!  (I will never forget a quote I read once, I just wish I could give credit where due - "Men learn to love women they're attracted to.  Women learn to be attracted to men they love."  Think about THAT for a moment!) As for not being able to picture yourself thin, and being nervous about that?  I can TOTALLY relate!  The day before my surgery, I was on my way to see my PCP and had the very same thought - "WHO am I going to see when I look in a mirror after losing a whole mess of weight?"  You will see the same person you've always seen.  For a long time, you won't even recognize the weight loss, even tho you KNOW the numbers have dropped significantly!  You'll see yourself every day - so the change will be much more subtle.  People that don't see you very often will be ALL excited when they see you, and you won't get it!  What do they see that I don't see??  It's a head trip, straight up.  Most anyone here will agree with that.  So keep working with your therapist to come to some kind of acceptance of yourself as you are, and as you will be.  'cuz you're still you, before - during - and after losing weight! YOUR DAY IS COMING, BABY!!!

I have to agree with Darla on the self esteem at 18. I had none and I have found that I learned alot of things over the years to help with self esteem other than looks. Anyway try to look at how this is sooo important to your general health as well. That helped me alot I was starting to effects it was taking on my general health and that scared me more. Hang in there,

Thank you Kathy for help me put things into a better focus.

I agree with Darla completely. She sure has a way with words, huh? I still can't see myself as attractive. Even though people tell me I am. My mind is still fixated on what size I am (16- being considered FAT when I was in my 20's) and my weight (I have to remember my bone density is greater than a thin person). And I still compare my self to skinny people. I have got to stop that!!! The head games are tough; but you can get through it. It helps to come on this site and know you are not alone.  Good luck with everything.

Lori