O/T Flirting, how do you know?

Okay I'm never good about picking up on guys flirting.  Are there obvious signs?  I'm divorced and well single now, and the insurance guy I met with waved his fingers said he was divorced with a 5 and 7 year old (more details about the breakup of their marriage) and well is that some way of making conversation or what?   I'm not used to people opening up to me, and well I've been married for most of my adult life so I'm really not sure how to work being available.  I do realize now that I could meet a guy anywhere but can you tell me how to know when someone is flirting or just conversing?  I mess that encounter up already, flubbed in the conversation.  But this is for future reference.   Thanks for any tips or advice.   Korina :)

From my own male perspective, think of it as a lease with an option to buy  -- I was always conversing with the hopes of flirting happening in the near future.  Make sense?  We don't like to be shot down, so we kind of test the waters. Good luck Al

Thanks Al, Yes it makes total sense. 

Just a story, I don't have any sure-fire answers for you-but Its funny how some people percieve conversation and flirting as the same.  My close friend is a guy and he thinks anyone of the female persuasion who carries on a conversation with him wants to date him!  This includes the lady giving him a haircut.  He came back one day and said she flirted with him the whole time, and when I asked what was said it was just stuff like, so are you a student?  Where do you go to school?  Any plans for summer?  etc.  This wasnt isolated, he still thinks everyone at the grocery store, bank, etc want him.   LOL! 

OMG Lori that is so true!! I know so many guys that think if you just smile at them and be pleasant that you are flirting!! Especially when I was heavier, this was a problem. I got to the point becuase I felt like I was disgusting every man I talked to because they seemed to assume that I wanted them. Many would trun cold toward me. Either that or they would be somewhat lewd (which is especially yucky coming from someone you're not attracted to!). Either way, it was not fun.

Personally I have NO IDEA when someone is flirting and I've given up. Times I've thought nothing of what was being said my friends have told me that someone was flirting (yeah, this was a long time ago, no one flirts with me now) and other times I have thought FOR SURE that someone was flirting, only to be mortified when I tried to pursue it and found that obviously wasn't the case. The should have classes for the clueless. The funny thing is that I can see when people are flirting with someone else. Just the other day a guy was totally flirting with my friend (OK he wasn't subtle but still) and I could tell. I guess it's just when it was me. I wish I could be more helpful.

Here's what I think.  I think that you're feeling better about yourself, and honestly, guys ARE more attracted to women who aren't obese.  So if you THINK someone may be flirting with you?  Unless he repulses you, JUST ENJOY IT!  Assume he IS flirting with you, let yourself feel attractive and worthy of being flirted with!  And perhaps, if your attitude goes down that positive self-talk road, you WILL be more attractive to John Q. Flirter, and what MIGHT have been flirting to begin with will DEFINITELY BECOME flirting as you find yourself enjoying it!!!

I'm not in the market for any flirting myself, but I HAVE noticed that males, in general, are much nicer to me now - whether it's a check-out guy at Target or Trader Joe's, or a patient in a waiting room or the UPS guy at work, they're much more apt to be friendly!  So I just enjoy the hell out of it!  I'm wearing my wedding ring, I'm not inviting it, but it IS FUN!!!

Oh I SOOOO love this topic, because quite frankly I don't have a clue!  All my life I considered all conversation, just that conversation. I never (and most of the time, still don't) think a guy is flirting with me because I never thought a guy could possibly be interested in me.  On the other hand friends have called me out when I've had a genuinely friendly conversation with a guy and told me I was flirting.  This whole opposite sex thing freaks me out - I've been told that I put up a huge wall that is obvious to everyone but me that screams "I'M NOT INTERESTED!" I know it's my self-esteem talking - but I don't know how to control it. I don't think every conversation between a man and a woman should be considered flirting - but truly I don't know when it is or isn't.  For me, I guess a guy is going to have to be pretty overt for me to "get it." otherwise, it will just go NOWHERE!  Now, if there are any guys on this board interested in teaching me how to flirt and learn the signs of when a guy is flirting - I'd be more than willing!    HA HA! Good luck with this and tell us the secrets when you find out.

I'm with Tracy.  I have absolutely no clue.  If there are classes out there then sign me up!

Flirting Tip

Wondering if you can master the art of flirting? You can. The findings below from the Social Issues Research Center's article "The SIRC Guide to Flirting" suggest specific techniques you can learn to flirt more effectively.

Flirting Approaches You have to find the right spot to flirt. A popular flirting spot is the local bar. Even a bar, though, has unstated rules: If you sit at the bar, you’re open for flirting. However, if you sit at a table, you’re more reserved. The further the table is from the bar, the more you want to be left alone.

A related rule: The more an establishment is a food-serving establishment, the less open people are to flirting. Food creates a more formal atmosphere.

Hot-beds of Flirting One of the reasons the “learning-places” (schools, colleges, and so forth) are such “hot-beds of flirting” is because the students don’t “have to struggle to find topics of mutual interest.” If you’re in a Soviet history class, it’s easy to flirt under the guise of discussing the Bolsheviks.

Workplaces have more stringent rules about flirting. Often, flirting is restricted to particular areas, such as near the coffee machine or water cooler. If you’re uncertain as to where it's acceptable, take your cue from “the highest regarded individuals in the company.” Watch their behavior and flirt where they flirt.

Flirting is usually acceptable in sports settings: at the gym, the tennis court, the golf course, and so forth. Be careful about who you flirt with in this setting. If someone is a serious competitor, they’re there to train and are less likely to flirt. You’re more likely to win the admiration of weekend athletes – people who are there to get in shape and have fun.

Battle of the Sexes Because “men tend to see the world in more sexual terms than women,” they “have a tendency to mistake friendly behavior for sexual flirting.” Therefore, women need to be careful about how their actions are being interpreted by men. Also, men need to be aware of their natural tendency to distort.

Flirting Your Way to a Date Try finding someone roughly as attractive as you. That way, there’s a better chance you’ll stay together. A few things to keep in mind, though: women tend to underestimate their looks, while men tend to overestimate their looks, because there are “less rigid” rules for men’s beauty. The thing to take away: Women, flirt with men who you think look better than you. Men, bolster your flirting skills; you’ll need it.

Are good looks all there is to flirting? Of course not. It just gives you a strong leg up. Beyond good looks, confidence and charm can outweigh physical disadvantages.

Flirting Steps The first step in flirting isn’t about you. It’s showing the other person you’re attracted to them. Think about it from your own experience. When you were told a particular person liked you, didn’t your impression of that person grow as well?

Flirting is all about language. But here’s the catch: your spoken language isn’t nearly as important as your body language. One study separates out the factors this way: People’s “initial impression of you is based 55% on your appearance and body-language, 38% on your style of speaking and only 7% on what you actually say.”

What are some ways to flirt using your body?

Flirting with Eye Contact Looking into another person's eyes is powerful. We usually only do it when we’re attracted to them, or we’re upset with them. Either way, it expresses strong feeling. If you want to flirt with someone, the best way is to catch and hold their gaze for a second; no longer, or you’ll seem threatening.

If the person you’re flirting with returns your second-long gaze, they may be interested. Your chances go up if, after holding your gaze once, they do it a second and third time. If they don’t return your initial gaze, however, all is not lost. See how that person interacts in their group. They may just be shy, and hesitate holding a brief gaze with anyone.

If you believe the other person interested, walk over and start chatting.

The rule here: The person speaking looks away a lot more than the person listening. You change roles by locking eyes briefly.

A common mistake during these conversations is for one person to hold their gaze. Although it’s meant as a sign of intense intimacy, it can frighten the other person. After all, you’ve only just met.

Tips on Personal Space The distance between you and them is another important factor. When you first approach, don’t come closer than four feet. That’s what cultural anthropologists consider the border of the social zone. If you get a welcoming response, step in another foot and a half. You’ll be at the tip of their personal zone. Any closer, and you’ll trespass into their intimate zone, which is eighteen inches and less; this is the zone for intimates, such as family, friends, and lovers.

How will you know if you’ve gotten too close? The other person’s body language will tell you all you need to know. They may turn their head or fold their arms.

Additional Body Language Tips At times, the person may seem interested, but again their bodies will give them away. For instance, they may be smiling while secretly disagreeing with you, as evidenced by their arms folded across their chest. This schism between what they’re saying and what they’re body is doing is called “non-verbal leakage.” Two more signs of it: the person is leaning away, or their head is facing you, but their body is turned away.

A way to try and create harmony between you and the other person is through “postural echo.” Basically, it’s mirroring what the other person does. If they lean forward, you lean forward. If they rest their chin on their hand, you do the same. Such mirroring makes you seem on the same wavelength. Careful, though. If you do it too quickly or overtly, it can be obvious and come across as insulting.

Effective Opening Lines When it comes to flirting, everyone wants to know about opening lines. Namely, which are cleverest? The bad news is that clever opening lines don’t work. They’re too predatory. They make the listener think that you’re the type of person who thinks about such things, so you must practice them on a lot of people. The good news is that simple, natural lines work best; lines like “Nice day, isn’t it?” and “It’s a bit crowded in here, don’t you think?” These are a recognized conversation starters. People can answer them at length, and not feel like they’ve been backed into a corner.

Conversation Tips While having a conversation, keep a few points in mind:

• The total time each of you speaks should roughly be equal.
• Keep the conversation positive and remember everyone likes to be complimented.
• If you’re complimenting someone on their looks, keep it brief and general.
• As you listen, paraphrase what the other person says and use open-ended questions where possible.

Now that you're talking, how can you turn the conversation into a date?

Opening Up to Each Other An important part of the flirting conversation is what psychologists call “reciprocal disclosure.” What is it? It’s when you and the other person take turns revealing personal information.

Written out like that, the practice sounds artificial. In actuality, it’s natural and happens all the time. For instance, you say where you were born. They tell you were they were born, but they embellish upon it, and talk about their first job out of school. You then talk about your first job out of school, and how it led to the career you’re now pursuing. They talk about their career, and how it’s not what they really want to do. And so on. If you’re getting along, each of you will build upon what the other has said, and you’ll “gradually up” the intimacy.

Be careful, though. A giant jump in intimacy can turn the other person off.

Use Humor and Have Fun Humor during flirting is important, too. After all, flirting is play. Jokes and funny comments should definitely be a part of it. Be sure, however, not to make the conversation one gag after the other. Men, in particular, are prone to excessive joke-telling, while women tend to the opposite, more serious, extreme.

Convert Flirting into Dates At times we might flirt “for the fun of it.” Other times, though, we do it for a purpose: to get a date. If the conversation has gone well, you needn’t use any elaborate build up. Merely say something like, “Would you like to see a movie this Friday?” If making a date isn’t appropriate, say something like, “I’ve enjoyed our talk. I’d love to do it again. May I have your phone number?”

If the answer is no, at least you've had an opportunity to practice flirting and can apply what you've learned to the next person you meet. Undoubtedly, mastering the art of flirting will pay off in the end.