Ugh...Do I have to??? - Long & rambling - sorry

UGH - It's finally time to start dealing with all my issues, so to hold myself accountable to follow through on my plan, I'm posting here so you all know and can help me with the accountability. I have been a very crabby person lately and would rather just sit in my house doing nothing all day long. Just like many of you, I have a VERY addictive personality among a plethora of other issues.  I LOVE to eat and I LOVE to spend money - neither of which has done me any good. I'm almost 8 months from surgery and have learned how to eat enough to stop myself from losing weight.  I'm not really at a plateau - I'm seriously eating enough calories to just not lose any weight.  In fact in the last month I have gained a pound - although that could be partly from a change to my depo shot schedule. I'm miserable and eating makes it worse, although as many of you can understand, eating is also the only thing that makes me feel better as short lived as it may be. Through a conversation with a coworker I also think that my joking of having ADD is probably not that far from the truth and I really need to seek out help and possibly medication for it.  It's causing issues with my functioning on a daily basis - not to mention that it's causing me extra stress with my school work when I can not remember anything I've read in the text book. I absolutely can't stand my body right now.  I know I've lost 100 pounds, but seriously I feel as fat as I ever was - I look at my body and all I see is an incredibly fat person - I feel like I'm bigger now than I was before.  I know some of that is just the mind not catching up with the body, but I'm seriously disgusted with how I look. I'm afraid my eating is just my way of sabotaging my weight loss efforts - which is what happens just before I ended every other diet.  Just like so many times before, I know all the rules, but have no self control, I want what I want when I want it and I feel like I deserve it considering the miserable existence I've had so far - no boyfriend, no success in my career, no this, no that, no the other thing.  I know this is incredibly stupid thinking - but that's where my head is these days.  I can find nothing positive in my life (well, except my birds and Alife).  Now, don't worry, it's not like I'm going to hurt myself, it's just that nothings seems worth it these days and I'm frustrated with life. But the guilt associated with my weight loss success or failure is huge considering someone else paid for this surgery to save my life - more stress! I know part of this is all because of the stress at my job, in school and in my finances and "this too shall pass", but I'm finally at a point that I can't just let the days go by on the same old meds, feeling the same ol' way.  I want to be happy person, I want to be a positive person, I want to be the person my dog thinks I am! I need to figure out how to have self confidence and love myself so that I can let others love me and sadly enough I don't know how to do this.  As much as this surgery has helped me, it's also thrown issues in my face that I wasn't prepared for and being that I didn't need to go through all that you all had to go through I think I'm less ready for some of this stuff than I could have been.  It's funny, Ali said at a support group meeting a few weeks back that someone who was talking had seen their last diet - I disagreed.  I feel like maybe I've pushed all the limits and now it's about self control, which is something I lack so much of. Anyway, I'm beginning to ramble - or maybe this whole thing has been a ramble.  As I mentioned this post is to help give me some accountability, but it's also to tell you if you notice that I'm not cheering anyone on lately it's because this cheerleader simply doesn't have enough cheer left in her.  I'm going to work on getting it back, but for now I'll just be lurking here and there and posting when I can. I'm truly thankful for everyone on this site - You're all fantastic!  I hope you all have a fabulous holiday with your families and that your struggle with food isn't that bad this year as you sit with your families and friends during meals.  Remember as I think the wise Miss Barb K mentioned in another post - meal times aren't just for eating - the conversation is just, if not, as, important! Love you all!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((TRacy)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry that you are going through such an emotional difficulty right now. I just want you to know I think you are BEAUTIFUL. I am sooooooooooooooo jealous of your gorgeous thick curly hair. And you have a great soul. I hope that you are able to see the beauty in you that I know we all see.  Big hugs, Lori

Tracy honey....I am SOOOOOOOOOOO proud of you!   I have a couple of things to say..... #1-You have completed step one (knowing and admitting you have an issue) #2- Step two is wanting to do something about it. #3-You are BEAUTIFUL and I for one am sooooo lucky to have been able to spend time with you, for your beauty is not only on the outside, but just as glorious on the inside.   #4-We all have those times (at least I do) where I see myself and think, no way, I haven't lost anything.  I look horrible!  You are NOT alone in that, trust me! #5-I'm all for accountability, although I've been lacking on my weekly posting of my achievements or lack there of.  So......what are your goals to be accountable to?  No snacking, more water, more walking?  What?  I'll be accountable along with you.  What do you say we start a weekly accountability post or something.  People can post on Monday what they want to accomplish for the week and on the next Monday we can post how we met those accomplishments or not and what we are working on for the next week.   What do you think?  I know I've been snacking as well (peanuts), they just don't seem to fill me up and I eat more than I should sometimes.   Anyone else interested in doing this? I think we all need the encouragement and atta girls/boys to keep on the straight and narrow sometimes.

Tracy.....I am sorry you are in so much pain and struggling so much right now. You are such a wonderful person. A real inspiration to so many of us here.  Not only that but like others have said you are beautiful inside and out. We are all here to help you in anyway we can. Take your time and let us know how we can help.  If you need to see a doctor and talk that would be good. Maybe some med change would help.  You are not alone so don't try to go it alone. WE CARE!!!! Hugs  connie d

I was so sad to read your post.  Exhaustion is also not helping you.  Please go see your doctor and get back with us very soon.  Pull out your driver's license and look at how far you have come.  And it hasn't been that long since your surgery!!!  You only have another month and school will be out -- there are lots of positive things that have already happened to you and you will continue to have those moments.  I remember the first time I saw you at group -- you probably remember me too cause I couldn't take my eyes off you -- oh oh stalker alert!!!  You are absolutely beautiful!!!  And with school, work and all the charity work you do, when have you allowed yourself time to even look for a boyfriend.  And you are so young, you have plenty of time for that later!!! Let us know if you need ANYTHING!!!!  Hope you will still come to coffee.  I'm sending you prayers for good vibes to a healthy answer for you. XXOO

Tracy,
WOW, such truth and honest feelings. Let those heavy stones off your shoulders. Guilt, shame, denial can really burn more than skin deep.

You are worth success and that is soooo scary. If we could all be as honest as you are right now. KNOW THIS we all have a fear of success.

Words of wisdom I have none! Not even had surgery yet on the pre-op journey. This was a saying someone told me...and I hated IT!

Now, I still don't like IT, but I break it down and take a little bit at a time.

" If you always do, what you have always done, you will always get, what you always had." UGH !

So, look what you have done:

Shared your heart and soul with everyone here....that is

Courage, Bravery, Incredible self esteem.. YES self esteem!!

Going to get professional help... MAJOR STEP...Incredible self esteem!

I Thank you for the wisdom and the courage you have shared.
May I take your gift of truth, honesty and courage to ask for help and never doubt that I or anyone of us are not truely gratiful and respect YOU!

Thank YOU!

As always take what you need and throw the rest away.

MJ

Hugs sweetheart....... Know I love you dearly..... First of all Im happy you posted.  The last two times I saw you I can see in your face the stress... I think wow shes down!!!!!  Weight I mean...honestly you can tell  < hugs > Are you on any anti depressants?  You sound depressed honey.... that messes anyone up. If you could get your mind calm.... the other steps fall inline. I dont have words of wisdom here other than just know you are one of the most wonderful people I have met along my journey and you have enhanced my life just knowing you. SO...you need to see yourself as we do....love yourself as we do..... Please call someone and start the process... PM me private or call..I can tell you my ride through depression and meds etc. Just know I love you.... and you ARE the person Alfie thinks you are.... we just need to clear the fog off the mirror so you see it. You deserve nothing  but the best, and youll get it.   Just one more roadblock and hiccup. Love Linda

You know I'm praying for you sweetie! I'm here if you need to talk!

(((Tracy))) I honestly was thinking "I wonder where Tracy is", so I am very glad that you posted. I always believe that if you are going through some issues, the only way you can truly move on is to admit them, seek out solutions, and do your very best to try and achieve the solutions - no matter what it takes. Two sayings come to mind. First one is "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results". Similar to what Mary Jo said. And the second one is "only you are in charge of you", meaning that I can't make an appointment for you to talk with a therapist, I can't prescribe you a drug, etc. You have to take responsibility to change the things in your life which are not helping you achieve your goals.

I quite frankly think you are on the right path! You've admitted what you needed to and now you will take the steps to correct it. I'm proud of you, Tracy. Like Pam, I am with you on being accountable. I used to have 2 ladies a few years ago where we made a nightly call to each other's cell phone to leave an "accountability message". Basically, it kept us in check of reaching certain goals. If you and Pamela are game, I am more than needing to do this as well. I also stated a few weeks ago that I would like to start an accountability thread on here and maybe now is the time to do it. What are your thoughts? Which would help you more? Lots of love & understanding, from me to you! ~Amy

Tracy, See my PM to you, but  I also like the accountability thing every week, let's do that.