Battling with myself and others!

Hi Everyone,      I am so upset, angry; and disolutioned tonight! I have always felt that I wanted to keep my RNY private to only a very few that I trusted. My reasons for this are as follows: I don't need negative input from others,  I don't want to hear I took the easy way out, I don't want others talking behind my back and judging everything I eat and do; if I tell someone I want it to be my choice not theirs!     I have told many people who insist on asking I have done this the hard way (which I believe with all my heart is true)! I don't understand why there are those who insist that they find their so called answers of truth; it is none of their dam business if I don't want to share it with them. I have already ran into many opinions on WLS; and frankly I am sick of them and they really make me mad!    Anyway here's the thing; tonight my sister in law told me the other sister in law who has been fishing said I told her I had WLS! She said I can't believe she told you. Well, I told the sister in law who wanted to know it was none of her business; and I have done things the hard way and that is all anyone needs to know! Now I am so pissed; and I am sure she is spreading the word amoung the family and friends with her own story and judgements. Worse yet now I have to go to a family wedding in 3 weeks that I am sure they will all be whispering behind and in front of my back. I will walk out in such a way they won't even see my shadow, just my smoke!     I am not ashamed I had WLS; I am private! I also don't want to deal with other's ignorance or jealousy! How would you all deal with these jerks?? I am just exhausted with the whole thing. I don't even feel I have my hubby's support; he says let it go. He doesn't understand my feelings about any of this at all. I am making myself sick with all this. And I feel these are the kind of people who will be watching to see if I fail, to say I knew it or I told you so! I know what I want to tell them! Help! Help! Help! please.. Judy R

Judy, I soooo know what you are feeling about the negative attitudes!  Last Friday I went to a work party for a guy who is leaving us and going out of state.  All my coworkers in the group I work with know I had WLS....kinda had to let them know as they see me daily and of course, bring in food alot.  They are all supportive of the surgery and are encouraging when they see my results (for example....my new drivers license photo!).  Anyways, the guy who had the party at his house kept my keys as I was having a bottle of alcohol...in a pretty long time frame and he didnt want me to just up and take off, knowing that I would get hit pretty fast.  Then he mentioned to his wife something about my having WLS (which he had told her before).  WELL...she is this skinny (always has been) DITZY idiot of a brunette (and most people think it's blondes!).  She was asking all these questions and stuff about the surgery and her whole attitude was like 'why did you do that'.  Then she asked me, not once, but three times... 'Was it worth it?"  After saying yes to her question twice I finally said to the third time she asked "YES!  My blood pressure is normal, I have more energy..." and continued to give all my reasons as to how much better I feel and my health is.  That finally shut her up.  If it was not one of the coworkers that I work directly with, then I would have just up and told her skinny butt...if you have been there, then you would know but obviously you have never had that problem!  Now...the guy who is leaving.  His wife is going into nursing.  She was asking me all sorts of questions about how I was doing...if I had to do this...have I done that.  And her tone was completely opposite of the previous.  It was a nice change!  I told hubby... I don't even want to deal with that again (as he wanted to have a dinner with the other coworker and his wife....ummm no, I dont think so now!). Just hang in there.  Keep your head high and dont let them get  you down.  You did not do this for them, you did it for YOU!  And if they think you failed...then list all the positives  you have encountered and things you can do...they will be amazed.  Also...I am 36 right now.  I cannot even tell you how many people think I am 29-31 based on how much I have lost.  Hehe, you can always tell them...besides I look that much younger now too! Michelle

Judy, People in the "non-WLS" world will ALWAYS find a reason to find faults with WLS.  And when we chose to do this, WE chose to do this for all the right reasons.  It is difficult sometimes to let people overpower us with their "why did you do that" and negativity. HOWEVER, stand tall, don't let ANYONE step on your goals and dreams of becoming who you want to be. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said "NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT". We will continue to get negative comments for the rest of our lives.  Those who never had WLS, no reason to, will NEVER EVER understand what WE go through.  Why we chose it, and just how hard it really is. No matter how hard we try, there will always be that ONE person who finds fault.  Or that ONE co worker who has to say "why did you do that".......but in reality, they are just people who are misinformed and don't understand the truth. As a 2 year plus post opper, I can tell you that every day I encounter someone who has something to say.  Whether good or bad, I determine whether it is valid enough to deserve a response, and then choose my answer, or, walk away. As time progresses, you will also find it easier and easier to just let this roll off your back.  I promise, it does get easier as our shells get harder and more able to stand up to people who find fault in WLS. Good luck, and keep strong!!!     Stacey W

Thanks Ladies,      I desperately need your input and support! I still feel like they are all putting me under a miroscope; and finding something that they can use to dig into me with. I have not told my co-workers because they are all quite negative about WLS; and judgemental too. Family being judgemental and catty is enough to deal with! They want catty I will show them my claws.. rrrrrrrrrrrr! Why can't they are leave me well enough alone. Again thanks for your words of wisdom, encouagement and support. Sincerely, Judy R

Judy, I don't know if this will hel*****t, but, I learned a long time ago nobody wins a stink fight. When I realized that, I realized, I don't care what other people think or say.  I decide my life, nobody else does. I can be VERY diplomatic tho. When they voiced their concerns regarding the perils of WLS, I agreed with them and told them I knew all of that up front. But, after much soul searching and support from my doctor I opted for the surgery and don't regret it at all. The conversation usually ends when I tell them I'd have the surgery done over again once a month for a year if necessary because I feel so much better.  I usually have a big smile on my face when having these conversations. I have one friend who I trade magazines with. About 2 weeks after my surgery she gave me a stack of mags to read and she had slipped an internet report on deaths and problems after WLS. Now, what was she thinking? I already had the surgery......... I chalked it up to her lack of common sense and only look at her good points. I realize, it's harder to find the good points in some people, so try to keep the smile mentioned above on your face when your looking. I think it helps. 

I hate to say it, but I'm with hubby on this one. I never understood why so many GAPs are worried about family members' input.  IMHO, people will see you as trying to hide or be embarassed by the surgery if you keep it quiet.  I thought it much easier to shout it out to everyone.  Just like a nose or boob job....everyone knows you had it done, so why try to act like you didn't? I also wonder why it bothers so many of us to have others comment on our health.  Don't we remember when we were 100+ lbs. overweight?  Don't you think everyone was talking about you and everything you ate then?  Trust me guys, people were talking, laughing, etc. and not being supportive.  It's a hard fact of life that others aren't always as nice as we want them to be.  It's how you handle it that makes the situation good or bad. A lot of people will disagree with me, but I think you should go to any family events, be proud of yourself for the decision you made.  Don't make excuses or try to act like your life is over because they know your "secret".  That will just give the impression that you did something you're ashamed of. Wear your hottest outfit and smile.....prove to them how healthy and happy you are now.  Also understand that it's human nature for people act like this.  They are your family...love them for what they are.  

  I'm with you,I don't care who knows it or what they even think about it....lol I also know that people talked,whispered and laughed at me or about me,there will always be people like that around and I truly pity them.

Hello Judy R, I'm sorry to hear some in your family are so unsupportive and disrespectful of your wishes. People who haven't been down this road or don't have the courage to face the issue can deny your progress/decision all they wish. Ultimately, as with other decisions you make in life, it is your decision what you do and say. You'll always find people that will disagree with your position or make some remarks, but if people can’t move past the WLS, that’s their issue not yours. As I've always thought, it is the character that makes a person not their weight, looks, or money. As far as the "I told you so" people, that's the type of negativity you can consume as fuel for your goals. I try to use negativity as a motivator as well as positive reinforcement. Negativity can either work for you or against you, and I much prefer the former. Remember to be open and honest, but you can't educate the unwilling. *wink* I agree, some of the non-WLS people have is that it is a "magic" bullet and all is well after surgery and you're off in fairy-tale land with a "PERFECT" happy ending. After surgery, you still have to watch your weight, now in two directions, and pay closer attention to your nutrition and behaviors. WLS is a tool available to us in our combat against Obesity – no more no less. Good luck with the family, Kev

Thanks Kev;    You advise is welcomed and embrassed right now! I will let them fuel me into action toward my goal. Then I will be the one saying see there. I just don't understand people's ignorance about WLS. Your so right on all points you have. So glad to have this board to get feed back and help from. Sincerely, Judy R

Judy dear, I mean this in the nicest way possible but I too think you need to let it go! Here's my story: I told my family about my wls. My mom had wls a billion years ago when it was just "stomach stapling" I was a kid and remember it. She didn't lose her weight and gained back what she originally lost and then more. So she had a poor attitude about it from the beginning. OH WELL!!! I listened to her say this and that and the other thing and never defended myself - why??? Because the proof is in the pudding! She'd come over with CANDY after my weight loss surgery and I would get soooo freakin up set over it. She'd leave and I'd CRY!!! But one day (thanks to my dh) I realized that I was allowing her to get to me. So the next time she came over and strated in on how "sorry" she was that I couldn't have ice cream cuz they just came from Dairy Q and boy was it good... I said, "Hey look at the new dress I got - It's a size 8!!!!! Shut her right up!!!!!!!!!!!!!   (this same junk came from my sister too) Today I'm almost 2.5 years out. I've been below goal for over a year now and all her words were proven FALSE!!!  I didn't "abandon" my children by dieing in surgery.  I DID lose all of my weight, plus more then I thought!  I DID make successful changes in my eatting habits.  I have kept off the weight!!!  I say, let they watch your every bite!! Let them whisper behind your back or tell it to your face. Let them be mean and bitter and spiteful and jealous. Because you will be the one who will prove them wrong in the end!!! And you wont have to say a word to do it.  KEEP YOUR CHIN UP, don't be making yourself sick over what other people say and do, that's what they want to have happen! HUGS