Opinions can matter!

Hi Friends,     I have recently began feeling very uncomfortable with people's opinions. Most people say you look great, a lot want to know how you did (I say the hard way); and other's critize. I have been told you changed more than just your body and looks. I think I am still me inside! I am somewhat more out there, because now I am not so ashamed as to hide. But I still feel that my heart and soul are the same. A niece of mine told me I had changed (implying not in a good way); I said outwardly yes. I am beginning to feel as if I am under a miroscope in more ways than one. I guess I should not worry about others opinions, but it is eating away at me. And aren't we allowed to enjoy all our hard work without being judged? Anyone else encountering flack from others? :anger: I just don't understand people. I am getting so I hide what I am doing, how much I have lost; and what I am doing to get here. People will use anything to get you down! How do we deal with the (you've changed people). Everyone changes; or at least they should (without change there is no growth)! Thanks for your input and listening, Sincerely, Judy R

Judy, I hope I don't hurt anyone's feelings here, but I'm going to be blunt:  People love to have fat friends and family members.  It means that they always have someone to harass and it makes them feel like they aren't the ones with "a problem".  You always see a group of people out with the one fat friend......and they keep that person around because it makes them feel better about themselves.  A lot of marriages break up after surgery because either the man or woman that married someone overweight can't deal with not being the more "superior" person in the relationship.  Now that I've lost weight, I'm not the fat person that people can talk about and put down.  They don't know how to relate to me because they can't put themselves above me any more and it makes them uncomfortable.   My ex used to always use my weight as ammunition when we argued, even after we split up.  Now, when I see him, he knows he can't throw that stone to hurt me, so he tries to talk about how bad WLS is.  Of course I just ignore him. You are under a microscope!  It's a major life change and people are naturally curious. You are still fairly new at this....trust me, this time next year, people won't be noticing and everyone will be used to it.  Until then, you'll have to keep your chin up and realize that you made a good decision for yourself.   My advice to you would be just act like you are listening......nod your head, and move on.  You aren't going to change people's minds, and you shouldn't let them change yours.  Give the people around you time to adjust to the new you just as you've had to adjust. 

Judy, I've had similiar experiences.  After some serious soul searching, I had to admit that I had some responsibility in what was happening.  I have a close friend who is obese, but not obese enough to qualify for surgery.  I'm excited about how much better I feel about myself now, but I realize now I got excited one time too many.  I got excited when I got to a size 10, thought if she was a close friend I should be able to say that to her.  She told me, "Don't you realize how I feel about myself and how much I want to lose weight?"  Ouch.  But she was right.  I may think she should just be happy for me, that I should be able to tell her, but in reality what happened was she went home and cried because she wants to lose so badly and can't. I think to us we are just excited about what's happening, but to others they think we are now judging them.  Even if that's not true, that's the way they perceive it sometimes.  I think we just have to be careful to be humble and remember how we felt when someone else lost weight and we couldn't.   Looking past their comments, what is really going on is how they feel about themselves because they can't lose weight.  I no longer hide that I had surgery - losing it so fast was a dead giveaway anyway.  However, I no longer tell anyone the details, what I eat, how much I've lost, what size I am, etc., unless they specifically ask.   Marie

Hi friends,    Here's the :deal: ; I always make it a point in any conversation to ask how others are doing. I know I have been excited, and talked more about myself, and all the great wow moments! The thing with my niece: her and I talked all the time about losing weight, clothes, and more; before I really began losing. I do my best not make her or anyone else feel bad because I still vividly remember where I have came from; and I am soooo :afraid: of going back there! I am looking a lot different apperance wise; but that is to be expected right? Anyway, I am now keeping more news to myself, to my friend on the OH board. It hurts when you feel like you can't share your joy and excitement with those you love and care about. I feel I have risked a lot, worked very hard; and earned my healthy, and happiness to all of this! :jump: I am tired of other's negativty so I am just cooling it, backing away, and not sharing anymore.                                                     I am so happy thus far with the results of my surgery; healthier than I have been in years. My hubby says I do more than I have in years and he has his wife back, my children and grandchildren think it is awesome that I go do almost anything with them now. I am in a lot less physical pain than I have been in years; I just don't want to substitue emotional pain now! It is nobody's business the choices I made or will make to get where I need to be. None of them have a right to judge until they have walked in our shoes!! I give credit to all who have had the guts to do something about their health, it's not just a matter of weight or apperance!!! Proud to be one of at least this great crowd! Sincerely, Judy R

I went through this too, even lost my best friend.    As soon as i got to her size, she wouldn't talk to me.....she lives right next door too!    What Brenda said is sooooooooo right.    I just got to the point to where i didn't care what people said or thought....but i'm very stubborn too.     If anybody asks me anything i tell the truth...if they can't handle it, too bad.    I know in my heart that i'm a good person and i did the right thing.     If they choose not to like me that's up to them, but it's not gonna cause me no grief.   Stop worrying about those around you, if they can't handle the new you they aren't worth having around.     You have every right to be proud, let em hear it! Linda

Thanks Linda,      It just breaks my heart and spirit a little bit to have to put up with this crap. I know I am still the best hearted person I can be; one that would do just about anything to help anyone! It is as if  they want me to be as miserable and unhappy as they are! I have earned this all the way. Sorry so family and friends turn against us. I know I did they right thing for myself too. My hubby thinks I did as well; but then my hubby says I am fine where I am now. His theory is I am off my meds, healthier than I have been in a long time, and to him I look good; as well as I am doing a lot more with him and my family now. He just doesn't understand my final end goal either; maybe he is somewhat leary of my outward changes. LOL! He asked why I was showing my clevage; my reply was I want to show it while I still have one..LOL!!  Thanks for everyone's input; I needed more perspective! Hugs, Judy R

A lot of husbands are worried that if we look too good we may wander.   It's just insecurity on their part and will go away with time .   My husband tells me every day i need to stop losing, but i still want to lose another 15 pounds.     Really after i remove the extra skin i should be there so i don't really try to lose anymore.   You'll get there Judy, just keep doing what you're doing. Linda

The physical change is so extreme that the personality has to follow suite. I was nicer when I was fat or so I was told. I was more tolerant when I was huge. I didn't consciencely change my personality or attitude. It just happened. I'm still a firm believer in you reap what you sew and your friends before the change follow those rules too. If they are prepared, which they never are, for your change then they will be ok with everything but if they watch and see then they have to play catch up with the new you be it good or bad. I have some of the same friends from before and the ones I still have were strong. I made new friends after and some don't even realize what I was before. So,,, don't sweat it. kp