Hubby not so supportive

Well I started this process with thinking I would have the LapBand surgery. With research and the help of this site ! (TY ALL) I have decided that the Lap RNY would be the better way to go. I meet with the surgeon and nutritionist this thursday (12/14/06) and the psychologist is next week. I then hope to get an approval from my insurance and then a date. Anyways, my dh was okay with the original idea but not completely. He kept telling me to just walk more, eat better. DUH I have been! I have tried everything. Well now that I have decided on the RNY he thinks it's just a bad idea, he hasn't come out and said it but I can feel it. He doesn't understand what this struggle is like and all health risks. He sees my mom struggling with hers you would think he'd be happy for me. I am having this surgery with or without his support, because I am doing this for ME. Luckily my family is behind me 110%. IS there anyone else out there that has had someone close to them not so supportive ? or anyone have suggestions on how I can deal with my husband? I don't want to leave him out of this but if he's going to be so negative I don't know what to do !

You have a bunch of people reading your post thinking, "What do I tell her?" You need his support. Plain and simple. Lots of people are scared for their family who are having WLS with good reason. I'm not going to pull any punches. You could die form this surgery. To think anything less would be foolish. You could also leave the hospital in worse shape with complications out the ying yang. But in all likelihood you will be fine. I made it look easy. I had very little in the way of complications and what I did have I fixed quickly. My family was highly supportive knowing I was a dead man with out it and that if I was going to die I was going to do it on my own terms. The folks reading right now are saying bolster that support like crazy. If there is a crack in the foundation this surgery will make it worse. Either way it can cause problems because you may have problems and then if you do well you will change and the new you may not be the person that your husband married or may not want to be married to. Do a lot of talking. Straight no BS talking about all the possibilities. kp

Hey Rona, This might be his fear speaking out. While I was blessed with support around - my husband had MUCHO amounts of fear and still does. Sometimes people don't know how to handle fearr- especially men since they are supposed to be the strong ones! Talk to him often, and keep him in the loop! Let him go to appointments and support meetings and let him own it too, because if he loses you part of his foundation crumbles. I know a lot of people who think the lap band is less dangerous- however truth is when you put any obese person under you are taking serious risks! You are going to want his support, so be honest and open with him. Let him know what your fears are too so he doesn't think this is another quick fix that you don't mean. This is new territory but I think you will both feel better! Good luck! Jennifer

I think your hubby is scared of losing you. Either by complications and death, or by divorce. You always hear rumors about so and so had wls and ran off with some guy. My husband was convinced i was gonna do that too, all his friends told him that. But if you have a strong relationship now, it will probably stay strong. If there are a lot of problems, self esteem issues, control, etc, you'll likely get divorced afterward. You DO change after you've lost weight. You have lots of confidence and don't let anyone push you around, well i don't anyway. But preop i didn't care so i let it happen. You need to sit down with your husband and have a good talk. Bring him here if he has questions, or even let him read profiles and see before and after pics. Kevin is right, you need his support to be a success. I hope it gets better for you. Hugs Linda

Hi Rona, I know what you are going through. I went through it with my husband. He was totally against me having the surgery. Just me being on the computer researching it would put him in a crappy mood. I continued with my research and struggle to get approved with my insurance and jumped the many many hoops they threw at me and when it came time for me to have the surgery guess who was there by my side, my stubburn but wonderful wonderful husband! He was also there to take care of me afterwards. You can read a little more about what I had to deal with on my profile. I don't what to tell you what to do but I have to say that I agree with you on your decision to have the RNY. That is just my oppinion so I hope I don't tick anyone off! I had the LAP RNY just over a year ago and I am doing great! I would do it again tommorow if I had to! I wish you all the best and keep your chin up it is all worth it!!!!!!!!! Your WLS Pal, Jennifer V.

I just went through this with my husband I told him that he needed to hold off all judgements untill we spoke with sugeron I also told him that this sugery was not about him and he needed to see life through my eyes (skinny man never a problem). We saw the Doc on12/8 he asked his questions turns out he was just scared the Doc did say to me that husband can get unsure of the relationship when wife starts losing wt so we should remind him that we love them and theres no one else but him. I am so glad my husband came around but I also know I have made this a we thing and going to use it as a tool for the whole family to get HEALTHY!! good luck jenny b wise

Well, all I can say is it is tough if he's feeling scared or negative. My husband said alot of the same things at first..."Can't you just diet and walk a little more? Try to lose it on your own? I'd rather you not do something so permanent." But he knew I'd thought this thru because my mind was made up by the time I talked to him. I've dieted all my life. But the clincher for him getting on board with me on this was when he went with me to the surgeon's initial seminar where, in my case, Dr. Carlin spoke on EXACTLY what he'd be doing, how it worked, risks, positives, etc... He was so knowledgeable and confident, as well as kind and seemed to truly care about you. Many Drs. aren't this way. By the time he was finished with his portion and all the question and answers, Mike was really excited for me too! It was a great thing for him to attend, for us to share. That was the turning point for him. Also looking thru the before/after pictures together on this site....just to imagine being thin and healthy and keeping up with him! I think if he truly loves you, he'll get on board with you. Try to get him to go with you. Best of luck to you! Theresa

Thank you all so much for your kind words and great advice ! I took most all of your advice and talked with him tonight. He not only came online here to OH but he has also now agreed to go to my appt on thursday to meet the surgeon. I didn't BS or anything, gave him straight up answers! I think seeing what the others have gone through, good, bad and ugly.... he now knows that this will be the way to make me healthy. I reassured him so much that I love him and he admitted that not only the risks, but the thought of losing the me he's always known, is what scared him. It is scarey to everyone, mostly me.... but it's also scarey to continue to live this unhealthy lifestyle. I feel so blessed to now have my family, OH, and most importantly my husband behind me ! TY ALL !

I do not have a husband, but my parents were very worried and concerned about my decision (especially since I live with them). My brother and sister had their reservations, but they haven't had a problem with their weight either. Other than a friend of my sister's (who had Open RNY), no one in the family knew I had the surgery for almost 6 months after I had the surgery (and that was when my cousin had the lapband). One day I was talking to my dad about my decision and I flat out told him that I did not want to be like my cousin Jimmy, who died Christmas 2003 weighing 578 lbs. Granted, I was not even half his size, but that was my wake up call. My parents went to my appointments and asked questions. My mom even stayed with me at the hospital. The only regret I have is not having done this sooner. I had RNY Lap and I will be 15 months out on Friday. No real goal was set for me, but I have lost almost all the weight I wanted to. I feel good and look good, and some of my health issues have resolved themselves. There are so many great stories that people here on the board can tell you, or just read their profiles. Keep your chin up and know you have the support of the Michigan board!

I went through a similar thing. My son's father was against me having the surgery. He acted like an idiot right after I had it and it took him a good 2 months to realize that this is not going to change who I am. It will only make me healthier and a better person. We can have more fun, go and do things and live our lives to the fullest. We are getting along great now. You should just tell your husband that you want to be healthy so you can be here to spend your life with him. He probably just needs some reassurance. Best of Luck. Stacey B 432/358/160