OT: I need to vent about my Mom....(long post-sorry!)

So I need to just type and vent about my Mom. Since Dad died in February 06, I have seen quite a difference in her personality. And I understand she is mourning her NUMBER 1 soul, who left her. I also understand HE was her EVERYTHING. I accept that, or so I did. I have spent countless days with her letting her vent to me about all her problems, how people are around her, how they do this and say that and it makes her upset. How she wants to "MAKE" people change to accomodate HER lifestyle and happiness and not be happy with what she already has. I spent 3 hours trapped (yes, trapped) in my truck with her driving from Mount Pleasant to Kalamazoo yesterday, to take my eldest step sister my sofa, and attend my best friends daughters 2nd birthday party. (which was the #1 reason I was going down there in the first place and I made that clear) From the moment we left Mount Pleasant to the moment we arrived at my sisters house, she ranted and complained about: how no one asked her how she slept last night how the people who were helping her move this furniture were so very negative how they seem to know everything there is to know about everything there is how they say this and that and make her life hell how the other neighbors in her neighborhood take advantage of her and her things how much money she has to spend in the next few months how much money she spent on food and things for Dad's memorial how much money she spent on everything around the people who were there how much money she spent on her timeshare how much money it cost her to buy her ticket to Mazatlan how much money is cost her to pay for her roof............... -----I take it you get the picture. I was not able to say a word. I was simply there to listen. And I ended up with one helluva headache before we even got to Grand Rapids. In the "S" curve, cars were darting around and in and out of lanes so fast I really had to concentrate and she got mad at me because I was not paying attention to her. When I explained why, she claimed she could drive through this traffic and hold a conversation why can't I? It never stopped. She went on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on......... I got to my sister's house, pardoned myself, went to the bathroom and cried my eyes out. Cleaned up my face, and said sorry to eat and run but I have a birthday party to go to and my sister got pissed. So I simply explained to her that is why I came down - not to help unload a sofa. Sorry. You knew two days ago I was coming for the party.....get over it. I said goodbye to everyone, and hugged my Mom (even though I had had about enough of her whining)......it is the "proper" thing to do, got in my truck and drove off. At my niece's (it's my best friend's daughter-whom I was at her birth 2 years ago and was asked to 'cut the cord' so she is very special to me)...birthday party, it was a great joy and bliss for me and I felt alot of relief being away from my Mom. I know she is going through stuff but this is ridiculous that every time WE get together, I have to hear all about her crap and SHE DOES NOT LISTEN TO MINE. ALTHOUGH--I do not want to discuss my life with her at all. So, I don't. She starting drinking a bit more now, and I find that she talks way too much around people when she's been drinking. She gets annoyed easily when things don't go her way and makes a SCENE and embarasses me in public about it- and in my home. I'm not sure how to deal with the fact that "when/if" I have plastic/reconstructive surgery sometime hopefully in November, that I want HER to be the ONE to take me to the hospital and stay with me. I have no other choice here. I am seriously thinking about alternatives, like doing it on my own. Why would I need her more than 2 days after I get home? I don't eat much, and I don't want her annoying me. I might slap her! Anyway, I needed to vent, and get this out of my head. It's been a helluva stressful past couple days around her and I needed to just get this out. Not that I'm looking for any answers, but if you would like to tell me perhaps how to deal with her so I don't get headaches and upsets around her whining, how to listen with a more understandinging ear and not be my own snotty bratty want to be self, that would be really great. Thanks for letting me share, vent, and whine myself! SW

Hi Stacey, I know just what your going through. Unfornately, I don't have an answer for you. My dad passed away last Oct. he was 100 yrs. my mom is 93 and getting very forgetful. They were married 72 years. Yes, she's lonely and with the forgetfulness we thought it best if I moved in with her. What a MISTAKE, she is just terrible, very suspecious, hateful, and selfish in a lot of ways. I call her a Pit Bull because I never know when she'll turn on me. I've cried myself to sleep many many nights, I love her so I put up with it, if I wasn't here she would have to go into a nursing home and I don't feel she's ready for that as yet. I am assuming your mom is younger than mine and if she's already like that .....well what can I say. Be patient, and ignore, At least you have other siblings for support. Take care and God Bless. Kathy

Hi Kathy, My Mom is 70, and makes sure everyone knows she's old. As if she gets special treatment now, which she does. She also has "me" as her "Only child"...my siblings are steps. Meaning they are my Dad's (step dad who died in Feb) children from his first marriage. So I do go through this alone. She does not talk to them at all like this, I have asked. Thank you for sharing about your Mom. I believe it helps to know I am not alone. And I do my best to be patient, I just needed to vent. Thank you for your reply! Stacey

The next time you mom says that 70 is 'old', tell her this story: My friend will be 92 in October. A few years back she was caought speeding on I-40 in TN (going to Memphis) doing 90mph. Is that *****y enough? Remember, old isn't unitl you are at least 85 and some 85 year olds don't act their age!!

Hi Stacey, I'm sorry for your families loss, and when reading your post it reminded me of when my Grandfather died in 1997. My gandmother was the exact same way and my dad felt the same way you do right now. He tried talking with her until he was blue in the face, and nothing helped. She was dealing with the death differently than everyone else and it lasted a good year or maybe two. Then she just came out of it and I have my grandma back. I can not begin to imagine what she went through, and my advice to you is the same as to my dad....be patient with her and love her the best you can. Everyone deals with their grief differently....I hope things get better for the both of you very soon ~Jami

Dear Jami, Yep, I am doing what I can to be patient. It is tough. Tougher than I ever dreamed. And I guess what hurts me most, is I have basically extinguished all my emotions with her lately. Meaning, I just don't feel anything when she talks. No sadness, just emptiness. And I feel that because she is SO repetitive, that I hear the same thing over and over. Which I guess when you are 70 and just lost your husband of 35 years, you too would be sad. But I do try to care, show care, and love her. Like I posted earlier, I just needed to vent....and get it out of my system. It's been bottled up inside me now...and I needed to let go. It feels better already hearing from people who understand. So thanks Stacey

Hey Missy: Love your new picture on your screen name. You look younger and younger every day! I know you know that I know (does that make sense?) EXACTLY what you are going through. Can't offer any words of profound wisdom. Sometimes when one can't attain physical distance, we can still attain emotional distance by going to a different place in our minds. I had a morning similar to yours not with my parents, but with a couple of my elderly choir members, believe it or not. Came home absolutely distraught by their *****ing and *****ing. I forgot to go to that different place in my mind. I offer my hugs and friendship, Hang tuff sister, Julie

It always helps me to talk to other people...sometimes just getting it off my chest helps...I also love hearing others opinions I may look at things differently afterwards....you're being a good daughter and that's all you can do! Good luck!

Hey little lady, I am sooo sorry to hear about your problems with your mom. Isn't horrible when we the children feel like we have to be the parents to our parents? I myself have learned that the Lord tells us we have to HONOR our parents. To me that means we have to love them. He doesn't say we have to like them! I love my mom very much. But I don't like her much. I think what you are doing Stacey is being VERY graceful. Sometimes that is the best gift you can give someone! You also have to realize that these are Her issues. Don't feel bad about not wanting to listen all the time. Who likes to be *****ed at all the time. I don't. What you can start to do is when she is talking about negative stuff interupt her and say something about something positive in her life. Point out her blessings. And if she doesn't stop complaining. Hum a song in your head. Or, think of the great outfit in the mall you can't wait until you can wear that. LOL that is what I do. Maybe not the best advice but hope it helps. Hang in there. Your being a wonderful daughter and that counts for something now a days. Hugs, Di

Sorry about your truck ride from hell. Had dinner with dad yesterday and he started talking about the places we could go when i could eat more. I said that I wouldn't be eating more and he was very sad, he just doesn't get it. I bought him a copy of WLS for Dummies and all he has read in it so far is that I need to exercise. In other words nothing that he can't use to point out my shortcomings. So, the parental thing is a pain for me, too. I think that food is power for him, and my surgery took away a great deal of his power. But that's not what I meant to say. I'm not working, I'm reasonably healthy, and I haven't added any pets to my life yet. So we should consider getting together and finding out if we are compatible enough for me to help you out after ps. I'm looking down a long road to my ps, just a hundred and ten more pounds and a year or so, lol. Drop me an email and we can begin to figure this out.