Finally told my parents

If any of you have ever read my profile, you will know that my parents have always had a very abusive attitude about my weight. Even though I consider myself a pretty emotionally together person, it has marked me for life. My mom, especially is just one of those types that is verbally abusive about everything. I had therefore refrained from telling them about my WLS. I don't know why. They are both overweight. They both have Type II diabetes. They know the struggle. My mom lost weight a few years back on Atkins and has kept it off pretty well, but is no where near a goal weight. I called them today for my weekly self-torture and told them about the fixer-upper house my fiance and I bought this week here in Ludington. She berated me about that - how I was forcing my daughter to live in a "slum house." I told her that I'd hurt my upper back and had gone to a chiropractor. She ranted on to me about the worthlessness of chiropractors. I finally thought to myself "What the hell, I can't do anything right with her so I'll tell her about the WLS." So I said "Oh, by the way, I'm having weight loss surgery on August 9." Her response? "Wow - that's WONDERFUL!" I thought to myself "Finally, something positive." I said "Yup, I feel pretty good about it, blah blah blah." and her final response was "Yeah, I noticed when we were up there last week that you'd gotten SO fat that you'd probably better do something about it really soon or you were going to end up dead before you're 50." Doh - I just can't win for losing with that woman. But, at least they know. It's unbelieveable that parents can make you feel like a child, even at age 45. Hope everybody's Sunday is a beauatiful one. Julie in Ludington

Are you sure we don't have the same parent's, maybe we are sisters. LOL... My parent's are critical about every little thing that I do as well, and even when I put my best effort into something, there is always a down side or something I still didn't do to their standard. It is amazing how they can make us feel like a little kid still and how we seek their approval at every turn, even though we have a life of our own now. Needless to say, I am still holding off telling my parents until I have a date. I don't want the hassels of constantly explaining myself for longer than I need to. My friends and my sister know, just not my parents. Even though you mom made a final dig about it, at least she seems somewhat supportive of what you are going to be going through. I hope my experience goes as well. Shawn M.

Shawn: Like you, my friends and sister knew too. When I told my mom today, she said "So you knew you were going to have this surgery last week when we were up there and YOU DIDN"T TELL US??" I merely replied, "I didn't want to tell anybody until I had a date." I am getting better and better about seeking their approval. Living 250 miles away has helped. My parents, mom especially, have put me through a lifetime of both physical and emotional abuse. She never calls me - I have to call her. So now, I put in my once a week, "Hi, how ya doin?" phone call, and have learned to keep things really light with them. Two of my three children are young adults (22 and 19) and I try really really hard to be positive with them, and to respect their differences from mine. I think it has paid off. Even though I am now living up north and they are in college downstate, we remain very close. THanks, Julie

Julie, After reading your post, I felt so bad for you! I can't imagine having a mother (or father) so uncaring and spiteful. Most people that behave that way are VERY unhappy with their own lives and disappointed in theirselves...so they take it out on whoever is nearest, which usually is their children, unfortunately. If only they understood what they are really doing to their children's minds and self esteem. It's just a shame...you having to live thru that abuse day in and day. I think you are right in keeping things on a "light", general subject, etc. if you plan to continue to talk to her. It's just so important to know how worthy you are to have WLS, to have self esteem, to have ANYTHING you wish for! It's YOUR life...they've had theirs. But I'm afraid comments like that would drive me away forever. You are kinder than I could be in that situation, I believe. But no one really knows til they walk in your shoes. God bless you and keep your head in the game! You sound strong and confident, even with what you've had to endure. Keep up your momentum! You are winning! I will pray that they come around and find peace and contentment.....that will make your life much easier. Hugs, Theresa

I had a rather abusive mother. She was pretty nice to my brother though. He was her first born. The stuff she pulled when I was a kid would get her jail time now. My uncle confessed to me recently that he knew about it and feels now that he should have done something but back then it wasn't talked about. People say you never heal from it but I'm cool with it now especially since she croaked last November. This is gonna sound nutty but when my brother talked to me about how she died - cancer got on her - and that she screamed all day and night I couldn't say anything to him because I was thinking "good, serves her right." My half brothers and sisters got it worse than I did, though. They were older and the youngest of them was basically tortured by her. Oddly enough he and I are the most balanced out of all of us and the one who was the golden child is the sickest!!! After my dad died I refused contact with her. It was good therapy. I wish you luck. Positive vibes. kp

I would hazard a guess that many people on these boards can pipe up with stories of abuse - either physical, parental, sexual, or all of the above. Obesity goes hand-in-hand with these issues. Even though I have had counseling to deal with the abuse, it's sometimes still a deep pain. When discussing some of my parents' acts with my counselor, she visibly shuddered when I told her of their "efforts" to make me lose weight. This has been my mantra for the last 23 years though: 1) It's happened 2) It's not going to happen again and 3) It won't EVER happen to my children! I know when my parents pass, that I will have a huge mixed bag of emotions about their role in my life. I just can't let it ruin mine now. Thanks for all of your kind comments, Julie

Your attitude is exactly right. Keep that focus and you can't go wrong. kp

I believe that I grew up with "Toxic Parents". So much so, I read the book by Susan Forward, entitled Toxic Parents. It is available on www.amazon.com. I fit the whole listing of what identifies "Toxic Parents" right down to every single category. I learned so much from that book, that I believe today my life is a better world because of it. I am 47 and dealt with my father (step) telling me "YOU WILL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING BECAUSE OF YOUR WEIGHT". I dealt with my Mom telling me "YOU HAVE SUCH A PRETTY FACE, IF YOU'D ONLY LOSE THAT WEIGHT". And, when my Dad's Memorial Service came, she INSISTED I wear a girdle to hold in my belly fat that is excess skin because SHE HAD FAMILY MEMBERS COMING IN AND SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BE EMBARASSED. Yet I have lost 151 lbs and that is not enough for her. Neither of my parents were ever obese. I was abused my entire life by them both in all aspects. Now that my step father is gone, I can see clearer, and I feel safe at last. I never had a childhood, and I never had parents. I had drill sargeants instead who put me through hell on earth and I don't feel that I ever did anything wrong. I learned to distance myself from them, and not call or visit them as much and our relationship was better because of that. My heart goes out to you, and know that I am here for you anytime you need to vent, talk, or just be with someone who can relate. I know that life can be a wonderful place and now that I have peace in my world, it is far more wonderful now than it was a year ago. Stacey

Julie, (((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))), you sound quite a bit like me, except it is my paternal grandmother who did this to me. I am a middle child and as such, got treated like the middle child while growing up mostly by my grandmother. My grandmother, who lived with us until my father got a job in Indiana and we moved, would basically do the same to me, except, she took it one step further to embarrass me, she would write notes inside of my notebooks for school so my teachers would read it, see, growing up in New Orleans people were all for discipline and turned the other way on quite a few things and as Kevin said, there are things that she did to me that if she did today, she would be in prison. How do I deal with this? Well, when my parents got a divorce, my mother was planning to move to Detroit and my father was planning to move back to New Orleans, they asked me where I wanted to live, I asked if my grandmother was going to live with my father and was told yes, guess where I went? Don't get me wrong, I love my father, but my grandmother had him so snowed he believed EVERYTHING she told him no questions asked. Now, however, he finally admitted that she treated me like crap and knows the things she did to me, my mother has always known and stuck up for me everytime she would lie to my dad. She is in the last stages of lung cancer and when she passes, sure I will be upset, but I will not attend the funeral, even today, she still finds ways to belittle me and try's to be so innocent by it, it truly is sad. Another sad thing is she tries to do the same thing to my nephew, but my brother is all over it and told her that he will be damed if she was going to treat his son the way she treated me (I love my brother to death). I could write a book about this subject, but just so you know, you are not alone and have the utmost support on this site, everyone here has been wonderful! I hope your surgery is uneventful, mine is on the 7th! Have a great day and God Bless you and your family!!

Julie, It is really sad what you have had to put up with. Unfortunately, I also have my own little story with my Mother. Just comments, diets she put me on when I was young and growing up feeling like I was never smart enough. Still to this day, when I want to do something - I wonder if I am smart enough. But for some reason I learned to look at what her childhood was like and how she grew up with no love, parents both dying at the age of 8 yrs old and being raised by her grandparents with a very ill sister that eventually passed away at a young age. So if anything I have learned so much by the way I was treated and knew that I would never treat my children that way. I have two beautiful daughters, ages 12 & 7 (going on 25 & 21 LOL) and I am always trying to encourage them and be supportive of whatever they would like to do. If one them tells me they want to be a rocket scientist, I will tell her to go for it. That she can do anything she puts her mind to. And indirectly I try to keep my girls active and good food choices in the house so they can make better choices when they eat. So you need to do this for yourself. Not only the mental but the physical too. You want to be healthy and be around a long time for your family. Best of luck to you. Take care. By the way, where are you having your surgery? Carey