WL & Best Friend Issues - Need Advice

Hello Friends: I need some advice, please. I will try to keep this as short as possible I had my surgery 7 mos ago and my best friend (who is also a big girl) has been extremely supportive throughout my journey. We have a very open and honest friendship and we share just about everything...so in the beginning, she warned me that although she will always be happy for me and my WL, health improvements, etc....that she forsees a small jealous streak that may appear when I'm starting to look better, get more attention, etc. etc. I assured her that I would be the same person I always was...and so would she...and we would just deal with it if/when the time came. Well, that time is here, and this is where I need the advice. I want to include my friend in my successes because...well...she's my friend...and she has been with me since the beginning of my WLS journey. But, I see that my success makes her more depressed. Yes, people that I haven't seen come up to me and remark about how much weight I've lost...but once the hub bub has died down they all speak to my friend as well. I always try to make sure that she is included in everything because I don't ever want her to feel left out. But I'm kinda at a loss, here, as to what to do. Does anyone have any advice? Is there something I can say/shouldn't say? Do/shouldn't do? We've been friends along time and I know nothing will change that. I just don't want her to feel like the third wheel. Thanks in advance! Maria W.

Hi Maria, My first thought was this is ALOT of guilt for you to be taking on for someone else. I also had a good friend at one time that never felt good about anything and you always had to tip-toe around him not to hurt his feelings. It was exhausting. I love him dearly still and we still are friends, but wow, that was hard always shielding him from things, being careful to include him, etc. But I came to realize that I was not responsible for his happiness...he was. Has your friend considered the surgery herself? Is this an option for her? She probably is a little jealous and I think that is natural, with the attention you are getting, but it sounds like you are helping as much as possible. Just don't get buried in it. If her weight is also an issue as you say, maybe she needs a little encouragement to seek the WLS out? Mmmm....well, I sure hope all goes well with you two...it's a difficult position, but don't get lost in it. Okay? Hugs, Theresa

Thanks, Theresa for your thoughts and response. I just want to be as good a friend to her as she has been to me. But you know what? When I think about it, you are so right in reminding me that we are not responsible for other people's happiness. (Wouldn't that be nice if we were...the WHOLE world would be happy...lol) I did try to talk to her about the surgery last night. She LOVES food...and lots of it...and she doesn't think that she could follow the restrictions that I have to follow. I did tell her that the surgery will definitely help her with that, but if she's not there mentally I just don't know. I always tell everyone about all the wonderful people on the "Michigan Buddy Board" and tell stories about the postings, conversations, fears, questions, etc. I think maybe I may have gotten through to her cuz I overheard her ask my husband (on the down low) when my next appointment with the "fat doctor" is...lol. Anyways...I will heed your advice and try not to get burried in it. Thanks again, for responding! Maria W.

Hi Maria, I feel the same as theresa, and have lost most of my friends because of jealousy....even my sister is jealous, but i try to not take the spotlight. But you know, you deserve these wow moments and a true friend will be proud of you and show you off, not get mad. I used to do the same as you, but after i thought long and hard about it, i deserve the recognition i get. i have worked very hard to get where i am today and am very proud. Your friend should be praising you, not making you feel guilty. My one best friend lives right next door to me now and has been with me throughout the whole journey, but lately goes to great lengths to avoid me, i am now smaller than her . But you know what, i have made a lot of new friends that i hope to be sharing a lot of fun with. Soon your gonna notice something else, ppl who would never approach you act like you've been friends forever, how weird is that? Hugs Linda

You know what! Friends are true friends when they can be with you but not hold you responsible for their happiness. Your friend can't use her love for food as a crutch to not think of this surgery if this is her choice of venue. I "LOVED" and still "LOVE" food. I just can't eat as much of it as before. I use to eat a whole bag of doritos because I loved the taste, I still love the taste but now I can only eat 3-4 chips. You don't have to think that your world of eating is destroyed after surgery. If she is really sad about her weight, help her by helping her research the surgery in all venues and reading profiles of members on here. Eveyone is different. I think most of us have and still are going through times of people being jealous. There are alot of times when you have to deal with jealousy but you are a strong person and you will come through this and if your friend really is unhappy, maybe its beacause she really is unhappy with her self and not with you! You can be there for her, just like she is there for you, but just don't let her drag you down! She will find her happiness, it will just take time!! Hold her hand, thats what friends are for!!!

The ladies who posted before me are right. I always like the "you made me feel" people in my life. They are so empowering. You don't make people feel anything - they are in control of that or should I say out of control with that. Your friend has to understand that she needs to not burden you with her problem feelings. You are in the fight of your life and don't need to play nursemaid. She's in charge of her doing, dealings and feelings. I hope that helps. You are right in feeling awkward about her. kp

Hi, You and I have the same Surgeon, isn't that ironic... Ok here goes, you can't change the way your friend is feeling but you can assure her that you are her friend and nothing is going to change that. I have a lot of friends and they are not heavy...So when it comes down to this surgery, they are extremelly supportive... But Although I have a sister who says that I shouldn't have the surgery, as our mom is extremelly ill and my son is getting married, but the bottom line to that is about that little black dress statement... So I think she is a wee bit jealous as I may be smaller than her when all this is done. So What I think is this. Give it time, don't push your friend away, and bring her into all conversations including the Wow ones. That way she still is apart of your sucess.. Take care hope all works out for you... You can have many (friends that are Aquantises) But true friends are friends for life... They are the ones that are count.... Take care, Arlene

Maria, I understand where you are coming from. My best friend and I have shared weight struggles our whole life. We also dealt with infertility issues as well because of it. I chose to have surgery to better my health and give me my life back. She chose to spend thousands and see an infertility specialist, take injections and meds and go that route to have a baby. Surgery has worked great for me.... and the infertility treatments worked for her as she and her husband are now expecting their first child. Mind you, she is still a very big girl. I worry terribly for her because I fully understand the difficulty in trying to carry a baby to term when you are very heavy. I am dropping my weight and see sees my success. Am I jealous of her, no... envious maybe that she will have her dreams come true - but when I step back and look at the big picture, I have SO MUCH to be thankful for. I am regaining my health (and good looks) more and more every day.... but I still fear for her health - both physically and mentally. I do this because I love her - yet I know that worrying about her weight is not my burden to bear. She made the decision to travel the path she is on. It was the right decision for her. My advice is to love your friend and support her... but know that you can't make decisions for her. When the time is right and she needs your help and advice I am sure you'll be able to guide her and support her.