Am brand new to this site and surgery and in need of a little comfort.

Hi I'm Michelle and I had surgery 2mos and 1 week ago, am having a really hard time because I went a total 360 before I had surgery would eat when I was depressed, now I don't eat or drink so am starting to have some problems there, am really having bad time because my husband of 10 years suddenly decided he wants nothing to do with me, for pre surgery reasons, and now that I am changing and becoming more open and doing more things, he says is to late and is outtta here! He had a hard time with me having surgery and was never supportive and I know that if I hadn't had it things would be fine and we would still be together but is to late for that now. He can't imagine why now I would want to do things he wanted to do before, like be affectionate, go out in public and actually do things outside of the house besides going to a restaurant to eat. Also I know he is uneasy that I am losing weight and says that it is only a matter of time before I start cheating on him and can get something better so he is hell bent on getting out as soon as possible. Don't mean to make this first post sound like a pity party but does anyone have any advice? Like I said am not doing well, am completely shutting down in the eatting/drinking dept and I know am jeopardizing my health, but have nowhere to turn and nobody to turn to. Any advice would be great..Thank You.

im sorry to hear of your troubles. i have a couple of my close friends that are jump all over my case about having the surgery they say things like "oh your gonna get the old chop and die" and "well i guess we aint gonna call you to go to hooters anymore". people dont understand the huge thing that you chose to do to save your life. and some people dont want you to change. my fiance is having some trouble with me getting the surgery because we are both big and she thinks that im going to leave her or something after i start losing weight . i dont know if what im saying is the most helpfull but its the truth

Welcome Michelle, I am glad you found his site for your well being. The first few weeks after surgery it is common to be depressed. This transition after surgery is very intense and I would give you and your husband more time to adjust to all of the changes and challenges. You do need to go by your doctors instructions and take care of yourself. I wish you luck in your journey and hope everyting works out well for you. Take care, Janice

Michelle, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I haven't had the surgery yet, but wanted to respond. There are some others here who have had marital problems regarding this surgery....hopefully they will post. But you said you if you hadn't had the surgery, things would be okay now. I'm thinking that's probably not true. You mentioned that the reasons he's leaving is because of pre-surgery things. So what makes you think the surgery has caused this? I don't know you or your husband, but it seems that he may have made up his mind before your surgery, and if he's blaming the surgery, then I think he just wants an excuse. I know this surgery and the changes one goes thru can have a negative effect on relationships. I believe, though, if that's the case, then the relationship may not have been too strong in the first place. Even if your husband had a problem with the WLS, he should respect you enough to support your decision, knowing that this isn't an easy one to make. If your marriage is worth saving, then I'd say to fight for it, try to reason with him, maybe seek some counseling, etc. But first and foremost, you need to take care of yourself and your heath, which means you have to eat properly and drink properly. Letting yourself get sick is not the answer. You'll be emotionally stronger if you're doing well physically. Now, depression is another subject, and for that, you should consider seeing someone professionally or discuss going on anti-depressants with your doctor. I don't know if this helps at all, but you really need to take care of yourself. Good luck and keep posting.-----Patty

Hi Michelle: After looking at your picture on your profile, you are already looking so great, that I bet your husband is starting to feel threatened by your weight loss. Sometimes spouses can "control" an overweight spouse by using their weight as a constant issue. It's a form of abuse, really. (I'm not necessarily saying your spouse is abusive, but I know that it happens) Overweight people already feel so badly about themselves, that they are easily codependent. I know - I've not yet had my surgery - but I've been there. When I lost a bunch of weight once before, my ex-husband realized that he could no longer control me by playing on my weight issues. Abusive people prey on weak people, they can't abuse strong people. So as I became stronger physically and had a stronger self-image, I began to protest to being manipulated as much as I was. It caused terrible problems in my marriage, and it finally ended. You mentioned that you are "completely shutting down in the eating and drinking dept." He is ultimately still controlling your behavior by affecting the way you meet your health needs. Don't let that happen! You need to be strong for yourself, for your cause, and for your children, if you have them. By showing him that you are going to maintain deep inner strength despite his childish tactics (and from the comments you've made, that's EXACTLY what they are!) he is still managing to control you. Perhaps if he sees that you are not letting him emotionally play you, he'll back down and treat you with the respect you deserve. If he can't, then you know that you were probably ain a pretty emotionally unhealthy situation to begin with. I wish you the best of luck. It's always optimal to preserve a marriage, but not if it's going to prevent you from being a healthy, happy, whole person! Julie

Thank you everyone for taking the time out and responding to me, it makes me feel so much better to know there are people out there I can talk to. Just to clairy the problems we had before surgery where all surgery related, he never wanted this, would fight with me that I should just have plastic surgery or go on a diet, I know I didn't make that very clear when I wrote my original post. I know I have to do better and am trying, made an appointment to see someone who deals with WLS patients and am gonna go there today, I realized yesterday the past I was leading myself down was a very destructive one, and after going though all this, the last thing I want to do is start a different kind of health problems. I just wish he could see I am doing this for us, so we could of been together longer and enjoyed more things, I never did it to hurt anyone.