Latest on the Louse

Hi All, Update on what is going on with me. You have all been so supportive that I thought you might want to know. I have decided to give my marriage a chance. We are taking a few days apart (he is at his mom's in Ohio****il Sunday. Then we will discuss things with our neighbor/pastor who seems to be able to get us to talk calmly and rationally since all we do is scream at each other otherwise. My biggest concern is his lack of feeling and remorse for what he did. He says he is sorry and he loves me, but I don't feel it enough. The pastor seems to think he hasn't grasped the magnitude of what he has done and the time away might help. I feel like "why am I acommodating him when he is the one who did this to me?" But, I am willing to give this a try. We will see what happens. I am starting to worry that he has issues with pathological lying. I did research on it and it mentions the lack of remorse for things and low self worth. It says they cannot help it and it actually shows up on brain scans and can be medically treated, along with counseling. So, I have decided that my stipulation (one of them) to taking him back is that he needs to get on medication and in intense therapy for this problem. It scares me. I know many of you probably think I should just leave him, but the truth is I still love him very much. WE are in an impossible situation. WE are both home together all day everyday and we have no friends here. We just moved. I think that is a recipe for disaster with even the most in love couples. We need an outlet from each other every once in awhile. So, we are going to work on that. I also have issues with depression and pain meds, so I have work to do too. I guess we all have problems. My worry is still about the surgery. Going through all this trauma, do I just go ahead with it? Some think I should postpone it, others say go ahead with it as scheduled. What do you all think? Is it dangerous to have the surgery after such a traumatic life experience? I really want to go ahead with it. But, I haven't been eating and I have smoked here and there during this rough time. What do you think? I welcome all responses harsh or not. Thanks, Mousie

You stated: " I am starting to worry that he has issues with pathological lying. I did research on it and it mentions the lack of remorse for things and low self worth. It says they cannot help it and it actually shows up on brain scans and can be medically treated, along with counseling. So, I have decided that my stipulation (one of them) to taking him back is that he needs to get on medication and in intense therapy for this problem." WOW!! It may explain a lot of things....sounds like he need to have a head to toe exam. While there may be neurological issues, there may be other 'hidden' problems. Make sure that this is taken care of ASAP!! The pastor "seems to think he hasn't grasped the magnitude of what he has done ". Perhaps with medication and treatment, the light bulb will come on. However, do not expect this to happen overnight, ok?? You need to get out and meet people. What are the things that you like to do? See about taking a class via the school system or the college (continuing ed). As for the surgery itself, you go for it. I'm certain that there is a support group that you can attend, and perhaps take your husband with too. This is a journey for both of you and should be done together! Follow your doctor's diet for pre-op and forego the cigarettes. You don't need them anyhow. You are trying to get healthy! Remember, you are a strong woman, and don't ever forget that, ok?

I commend you for attempting to stick it out. There is nothing wrong with that. You must have loved each other to get married in the first place and that is something you shouldn't just throw away without even attempting to salvage it. Your husband may need to see a psychologist for help in determining what the perciptating factors were for him, whether it is psychological or physiological. I definitely think counseling is a good idea and possibly medication, but only if it is determined that he needs meds physically. As for your surgery, thats something you have to figure out for yourself. Do you feel you are up to the challenges of surgery and postop life while undergoing this other stress? Surgery and recovery are serious issues. You need to be physically and mentally ready for the changes and challenges involved. If you even think for a minute your current situation is going to interfere with your ability to have a smooth transition, then I would postpone it until things simmer down a bit. But thats me. I was approved for surgery 2 weeks prior to my insurance changing, I was also moving, my job was changing, and my oldest is graduating. Could I have pushed through and maybe gotten the surgery anyway? Maybe. Did I think it would be wise to do it with the other stress in my life at the present time? Not a chance. When I have this surgery, I want to be at the top of my game emotionally, mentally, physically because I want to be successful. Had I pushed through, I would have not been emotionally, mentally or physically ready to under go such a drastic life altering change. Just my 2 cents God bless you both.

Hi Mousie, I don't blame you for trying to make it work. It is so easy for some people to say if my husband ever cheated I would just leave. Well, we both know it dont work like that when there is such love involved. As for the surgery I would go for it. I can garentee that you will feel so much better about yourself. I had my surgery 6 months ago today and I cant believe the difference on how I feel about myself. Best of luck with what ever you decide. Your WLS Pal, Jennifer V.