I need to vent......

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I want to just scream. Ever since my father passed away, my Mother has become NEUROTIC and clingy and it's driving me insane. This from a woman who, has lived alone now going on 4 years, and usually didn't speak to her family but twice a month. Now, it's every single day. My heart goes out to my Mother, it really does. But I need peace of mind too, how do I tell her we have to stop talking so much and not break her already broken heart??????????????????????? How do I tell her that she needs to learn how to use her laptop that she looks at like it's a horror movie with gore, and that she needs to have some help instead of draining herself to what she is now: SICK with a horrible cold and not eating nor taking any nutrients. She thinks a glass of orange juice will be enough and that she just doesn't feel like she wants to cook anymore. I try to be her sounding board but oh this is really getting to my bones now. I can't take much more and I just don't know how to put my foot down!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW do I slam on the brakes and be gentle at the same time? HOW do I maintain composure and grace yet basically tell her to get a life of her own now? HOW HOW HOW???????????????? I wasn't going to post this but I think there are so many great people here who could possibly lend me your heart in how to handle this-- that I thought it couldn't hurt. So with that said, put yourself in my shoes, as much as you can, (I wear size 8 and a half) and tell me how to be gentle yet firm and have purpose to handle this matter without losing the only mother I have. Thank you for letting me vent .....sigh.

Well....it hasn't been that long since your father passed. Your mother is still grieving. How long she will grieve is hard to say. I think she needs to find something to do with her free time. This will help take her mind off things and get her out of the house. If you can do something with her to get her started, that might help. I know it is probably difficult for you to deal with her at this point, but try to put yourself in her shoes. She is now really "alone" and by herself. Suggest taking a class of some sort that might interest her, or maybe taking her to lunch once in awhile. If it is really hard for you to talk to her daily, you could just let the machine pick up her calls and call her back when it is conveinent for you, but I really hate this approach. I think its too soon to "put your foot down", but that is just my opinion. I think you will be doing her more good by getting her active and preoccupied with other interests than telling her to back off as it were. If she doesn't live nearby (and Im thinking she doesn't if I recall from your earlier posts), maybe she needs to think about relocating closer to her children and family where she can get more support rather than just phone calls. I really wish I had something more to offer because I don't think this is what you wanted to hear. Best of luck to you and I truly hope your mom starts healing her heart and moving forward with her life. Colleen

Stacey, Your mother is likely very depressed right now. You should insist she see the doctor for it. I'd tell her that I'm concerned about her welfare and that this is affecting her over all health. She needs a complete physical. I suspect your mother is feeling a lot of different emotions. The loss emcompasses a lot of emotions: fear, guilt, etc. She is likely afraid of her own mortality. My mother told me many years ago that it takes at least one full year to get past the initial grieving process, that you have to experience each holiday once without the loved one. I've lost her now, and my father, and see how right she was. You never stop missing them, but time eventually lessens the pain. I'd recommend the family try to change holiday traditions as much as possible the first year. Maybe dinner out and a movie, a trip to Frankenmuth or Greenfield village. Shopping, putt-putt golf, bowling, lots of choices. Also, not sure how old your mother is, but we found out that medication can affect the elderly in odd ways, even asprin. The doctor said that meds my mother took for years could cause problems overnight. You might want to discuss this with the doctor too.

I know how rough it can be...I have someone that does that. It can wear on you, but I know she needs a sounding board. But I'm a bad one to ask, as my Mom passed away the Sat. of Easter weekend in 2003 and I miss her every day. I'd love her to call and complain to me right about now. But then again, she was never that type...always kept things to herself and didn't want to impose on my life. Just talk to her...try to get her involved in things..it may take some time. Hugs, Theresa

Thank you all for your words of encouragement and understanding and perhaps offering me a way to handle this. I did today. I spoke gently with my Mom and indicated that we need to have space between our calls, but that if she truly needs me - I am HERE for her. I suggested we space out our calls 3 -5 days and that if she really needs me or I need her that the phone lines are open. Then I dug into my heart and spoke up about her life. I told her that the reason she may be ill or feelings of sadness is because she sits in that house day after day, night after night, and does nothing but mourn. So, I said on Easter, drive down to my house. Come stay with me, help me organize and clean out my guest bedroom, closets and kitchen. Or not. Just come down and get out of that house for a week and a half and we can go to Saginaw and go shopping (she wants new furniture) and she can visit with my cat while I'm at work and not have to feel so alone. Is this proof to myself I love her? Yes. Do I feel like I've done something great and openend up a window she thought closed? Yes. Indeed. And thanks to you all for helping me see this.

PERFECT! She will love that! Good for you! Theresa