my subconscious???

Hello All, At this point in my journey, I have submitted all necessary information and am awaiting the approval of my surgery. I am starting to wonder if my subconscious is getting the best of me. First, I procrastinated getting my blood work done for a whole month. Now why would I do that when it is right down the road and such an easy thing to do. And now, I should be calling to check on the progress of my approval. I hear people who have called everyday to check on it because they are so anxious. I am beginning to think I am having second thoughts. Why else wouldn't I be doing everything possible to speed up this process? I should want to get approved as soon as possible, right? I guess I am so nervous that if I get approved, that is it. I have to be ready to give up all of the foods I love and be ready to go on this journey. I don't know why I focus on the fact that I will be miserable instead of happy losing the weight. I am doing this for health reasons mostly. I want to live past 40 and get off of all these pills. And everyone I have spoken with said they would do it again in a second, even those who had complications! That says a lot. Am I the only one who is worried about the life change for the worst. The not being able to eat anything I like and having to say no to everything good? I am also afraid of the attention I may attract afterwards. I am not comfortable being the center of attention at all. My wedding day was tough for me. I am so used to blending in with the wall paper lol. And then there is my family who puts so much emphasis on outer beauty. That makes me so mad. I know they will be saying "aren't you so glad your not fat anymore" and "you look so much better". These are things you would think would be nice to hear, but for me, it makes me mad, like I was a nothing before and until I got thin, I was useless. My dad always told me I would never meet anyone and get married unless I lost the weight. And all my life he was the food police and was always so disgusted with my weight. I almost dont want to give him the satisfaction of losing it because I am not doing it for the looks of it. He just can't imagine being happy the way I look. And I met a great guy who treats me like gold, so I proved him wrong about that. But he had to add, you better lose that weight because your husband is a good looking guy and he won't like you to be fat. Meanwhile, my husband is not like that at all; he is the total opposite. I am not even sure what my exact complaint is here, other than I wonder why I am not pushing the approval as fast as I can. I am worried about being on the other side. What if I can't handle it??? What if there are more bad things than good afterwards. The thing that keeps me going is you guys and all your positive comments about how wonderful your lives are now. No one mentions missing good food or being uncomfortable with the attention. Am I the only one who feels this way? Janet Hadden

Janet, only you know if you are ready or not. I just received my approval after fighting my insurance company and still have a psyche eval to get through, but I am on my way. I can relate with a few things you said, regarding family and food, and I can only tell you how I feel. You have to decide if the outcome is worth this. 1. My family loves me beyond measure and that is the truth, My Dad and brothers are very weight focused and I've heard my whole life "You would be a knockout if you would just lose some weight"... whatever! When I decided to have this surgery my Dad called me himself to tell me how supportive he was of this decision. He asked questions, told me he was there for me no matter what..that he and my Mom would come down to help out after surgery. I hung up the phone and was so touched I cried..but then my Mother called and said "Of course he supports your decision..he wants you skinny". That changed my feelings for about 2 minutes. Then I thought.. my Dad loves me but for whatever reasons HE has a hang up on weight. I am NOT doing this for him, I'm doing this for me. You cannot control other people. Once the weight is off...and when my Dad tells me how wonderful I look ..my only response to him will be that I am the same person I was before only healthier. I refuse to stay fat and unhealthy just to prove something to people.. I'm only hurting me. 2. I think it's interesting how people say that they are worried about having to give up all "the good food".. well, that food certainly has not been good to me at all. I almost look at it with disdain because it has absolutely done me no favors. I almost feel like it has control over my mind ...and definately over my body. I want this surgery so I have a tool to fight with.. my body will adjust and my tastes will change and I look forward to relying on the truly "good food". I can't wait to start trying to learn how to cook fish well, and what can I do with cottage cheese!".. it may sound stupid..but I'm looking foward to this journey. yes, I am scared.. but fear is not of God (no offense if you are not a person of faith). Satan would like nothing more than to keep you unhealthy, unhappy and unfulfilled. I'm not going to give him the satisfaction. Maybe once you take the journey you can critique and help your Father eat and learn some healthier things as well!

Janet: I think I told you previously that you do not have to give up "good food" forever. You will have to restrict your diet prior to surgery and then start adding things slowly afterward. You will have to restrict things that are BAD foods and have caused the weight to pile on. Things like caffiene, sugar, breads and things like that are not good for you. Though you might be able to eat those thing afterward, you will find that if you do, you're going to end up in the same place you are before surgery. You will lose weight for a little while (the honeymoon period) and then if you haven't changed your eating, you are going to see the weight come back. I don't know about you, but I am willing to give up that stuff so that I can stay thin. I'm sure you've heard that nothing tastes as good as thin feels. Well, I am here to tell you that's the absolute truth. There are plenty of things you can replace for the sweet tooth you might have. You have to be really careful of things like snacks since for some reason, those can be easy to eat after sugery. I use low fat wheat crackers instead of the high calorie stuff. It may be that you are not ready for surgery right now, Janet. If that is the case, you need to be honest with yourself. This is a life-altering surgery and they change your digestive system. I was completely ready for the changes and I don't cheat, not after having a doctor go in and move my innards around. I do count all my calories and if I don't I will see the scale creeping upward. At that point, I go right back to the basics and count every calorie and exercise like I should. I am nearly a year out, down between 110 and 112 lbs. and I just want to be honest, it takes work even with the surgery. Don't think it's a magic bullet that makes you thin and you don't have to do anything. While it is easier the first few months, you system adjusts to the surgery and then you really have to WORK AT IT. If you aren't ready to make the sacrafices, you may not be ready for the surgery. You also need to do this only for you. No other person should even be in the decision. You need a good support system, but this decision is for your life. I know you are in pain a good deal of the time, Janet. If you want that pain to ease up and maybe even end, you need to make the adjustments to make the surgery work for you. It sounds like you need to talk with a behaviorist or a counselor to get your mind around the surgery and changes. If it helps you get you into the proper state of mind before surgery, I would say NO MATTER WHAT IT COSTS, do it. I am glad I had the 3 months of behavior modification before surgery. The things you are worried about are valid, but you need to deal with them with someone that can help you decide if this is for you or not. Hope that helps. You and only you will know if you are ready for this or not. I wish this particular surgery was available to me back in my 30's. However, there is a possibility that I wouldn't have been mature enough to realize what I had to do and follow it through back then. I worked really hard to lose weight in my 30's and never had much success. I ate low-fat, exercised 3-7 days a week, and did all I could. This surgery has been a God-send to me. It has given me the extra TOOL that I needed. I pray that it will be that for you, too! Take care, Pam

Janet, I will be brutally honest with you. I am in counseling now because of my decision to have this surgery. I was not in counseling before. I am very glad I did this for my health, but all the lovely ideas I had about how perfect my life would be if only I could lose weight were a bunch of bull#@$%. I am lucky, I have a wonderful husband and a relatively easy life, however, my family still drives me crazy. My mom and I had a terrible fight while I was on vacation, and I do miss food. Sometimes eating things I shouldn't and then regretting it terribly. I also had almost a nervous breakdown over my accountant looking at me in a "I'm checking you out" kinda way. It freaked me out being noticed like that. I still have 80 lbs to go and it is much harder at this point almost 10 months out to let go of the weight. I have lost 143 lbs so far and it feels like forever to goal. You are not alone, but this surgery can't be in your head a cureall for your life. It is just going to help a little with the weight. Your life and your relationships are up to you. I wish you luck with your decision, the health benefits alone have been worth the ride for me, but you have to know that if life was not roses before, it won't be after. You will just be able to move around the garden alot easier. Wendy

AMEN to moving around the garden easier. I had both knee and ankles problems before the surgery & had a hard time walking. Now I only have slight pain in the evening if I have been on my feet to much during the day (if I walk to much or something like that). As for giving up the good stuff, there are other things that will taste good to you after the surgery. I have found that sugarfree pudding is actually sweeter tasting than regular. Fish, shrimp, & chicken are actually things to snack on now (a little at a time), bread & salts were my down fall before, I don't even miss them at all now. I am only 6 1/2 months out from surgery & have lost 117 lbs. I have a terrific husband that is there for me, as for my parents we did not even tell them what kind of surgery I had. It is up to you as to having it done. I just wish you luck in whatever is your decision.

HI! Just wanted to thank you all for your kind and honest responses. They have helped me a great deal in my decision making process. I am grateful to have this board to come to whenever I get scared or have concerns. You are all so supportive and encouraging. Thanks Janet