I truly feel as if I have lost myself

I too feel the same way. I am so scared. I feel so hopeless. I truly feel as if I have lost myself. I look in the mirror and I truly don't know who the person is staring back at me. I am 28 years old and I never thought in a million years I would be where I am today,. I feel like such a failure! I just don't get it, with every aspect of my life I am a complete control freak, I just don't understand why the one thing I want the most, I can't control! I start everyday saying to myself "today will be the day, the day I change my life, the day I eat to live, not live to eat". And everyday I fail!!!! I am tired of failing, I want to just once be able to tell myself you are worth it, you can do it, and see it thru. Tonight I think I really hit bottom, I left work at 9:00 p.m. and have cried ever since. (It is now 3:58 a.m.) I feel defeated. I feel like I have let myself down time and time again, and I just don't know how to pick myself back up. I am so scared of surgery, but yet I am so scared to live another day in this 300 + pound body! I have never had any type of surgery ever! I want to be healthy more than anything, but then I am so scared of putting a date on the day that could be my last. I know with being obese any day could be my last, but for some reason I have such a hard time committing to a date and elect to have surgery. Please someone out there help me, I need some words of wisdom. I want to believe my husband someday when he tells me how beautiful I am, I too want to see what he sees.

You sure sound ready to me. Your desperation is not just yours alone. You sound like all of us that elected to have this life saving surgery. I was so depressed. I was suicidal. I could not even think of doing one more failed diet attempt. I would get this sick feeling in my stomach and have to force myslef to think of something else. When I decided to have to surgery, I was well aware of the risks and found them acceptable. My mentality was that I would rather die on that table than live one more day in that 370 pound body. I secretly wrote a letter to my husband and entrusted it to my cousin in the event of my death. I did not want him to feel guilty and wanted him to know I was prepared and chose to take the risk. We never discussed it, but I was well aware. I am not saying everyone has to be to this point, but this was my final straw. I too cried every day and had a hard time just getting out of bed. You will get tired of crying everyday and tired of feeling like a failure all of the time. This surgery takes alot of guts and committment. I think they said 177,000 people underwent WLS surgery last year. THAT is alot of desperate people. You will reach your breaking point. The problem is that no one can make you do this. You have to choose for yourself when enough is enough. I hope you do what is right for yourself and kind a find a way to lead a happy life. Today I am happy with myself and no longer feel that desperation. Your post brought back some painful memories for me though. I do know your pain as it was mine at one time. We are here for you. Terri

Thank you for your words of wisdom. I know that it has to be my choice, and I hope to make it real soon. I am so tired of worrying about my weight everyday. I just want to do the things I once loved, but am unable to do at this time. Keep up with the great work and congratulations on your weight loss.

Forgive me if this is a duplicate post....I thought I sent it, but my computer closed without warning, so I'm posting again.... Dear, Dear M, We know how you feel! Terri said it perfectly. I hate seeing you feel so hopeless...we've all been there and it is not fun. You are at a point in your life where you can make a change for the better. Many of us wish we would have done this sooner, instead of waiting til we were older, 44 in my case. It sounds to me like you are ready. It is a scarey step, but do you like where you are now? My two cents??....make an appt. with a Surgeons office and get the details, etc. Don't even sign up for it...just get the facts so you are not as afraid. It truly gives you hope to know that you can really succeed at this! It's impowering! You are TOO YOUNG to live your life unhappy! But, the ultimate choice is yours. Please know that we are here for you, to support you in whatever you decide! Best of Luck! Hugs, Theresa

Theresa: Thank you for your words of wisdom. I am so glad that I came across this web site. I have gone to a few support groups and I know three people that have already had the procedure. I had a consultation with a surgeon scheduled right before Christmas but they called and cancelled it. I need to reschedule.

I put off my surgery 3 times before I was ready. I wish I hadn't. I had to get to the point that being dead would be better than living fat and in pain,emotional and physical pain. I hurt every day, couldn't stand up for more than 5 minutes without leg and back pain. I couldn't breathe at night and I had reflux. I had migraines (undiagnosed sleep apnea). I still have to lose 85-90 more pounds,but I have lost 128 already and all of my symptoms are gone. I do however still suffer from body issues. I have days I feel good and days I feel like a fat cow, but I can do dishes and laundry and make love to my husband and enjoy it, not just do it for his sake and wi**** was over with because I was uncomfortable. I will not tell you to have surgery, it is a big step with risks, ask Laurie G., but if you are already considering it for yourself then chances are you know like I did that surgery may be your only true hope. If that is the case, if and when you choose to do this we are here. We have ALL been where you are at. Wendy

Wendy: Thank you for your response, I am so glad that I came across this web site. It is nice to see and hear that other people out there feel the same way I do. I was really starting to think I was going crazy. I have always been a really fun and out going person, but with all this weight that person sure has gone into hiding. I try to talk to some of my friends, but since they have never had to walk a day in my shoes, they think I am crazy when I say my life is so terrible. I seem to try and over do everything else, in hopes to make myself happy. I always buy material things thinking it will bring me happiness, and after the first week or so, I am on to something else. It finally hit me, nothing in the world is going to bring me happiness, till I am happy with myself!