Help!!! Family Issues

Hello everyone. I need some help from my second (and much more understand) family. As most of you know I am schedualed for surgery on March 29th. My grandfather is throwing himself a 3 day 80th birthday party the weekend of June 4th. One of the events of this part is getting all dressed up and going to a very prestigious and fancy historical mansion for a birthday FEAST. (This is not my style at all.....the last time I got dressed up in a dress was 4 years ago for my wedding) I will be just over 2 months out and I feel like I am going to be EXTREMELY uncomfortable. The whole 3 day gala event is going to be very focused around food but this is not an event I can miss. If I miss one part of this weekend I am going to be looked upon as being selfish and uncooperative. I just feel that I shouldn't be expected to do something I am so uncomfortable doing. My sister told me today that it is my decision to have the surgery and I shouldn't punish everyone for my decision. My husband feels that I deserve to be a little selfish because my whole life is consumed by fixing my family's problems. I am am torn and I feel selfish but part of my feels that after going through this and finally deciding that I am important enough to lead a healthy life, maybe I deserve to be a little selfish. Am I horrible??? Please help! Sam

Hi Sam, Family issues can certainly be a challenge. Does your grandfather know about the surgery? If so, one possibility might be to talk directly with him instead of everyone else. With him as your advocate, all the other "noise" and guilt messages could be silenced. There is absolutely nothing selfish about making a decision that can save your life. If the 3-day event is close to where you live, attend pieces of the celebration as you are able. Perhaps you could make a special memory book for your grandfather reflecting on the joys of being his grandaughter. This might help you feel more involved in a celebration of his life in a healthy way that will last much longer than 3 days. By any chance, do others in your family have weight issues? Keep the focus on yourself, Sam. There's nothing wrong with taking care of yourself. Kent

I believe that your attitude will change and as you loose weight you will come out of your shell. Don't worry about it Sam, it's weeks away. You will be a different person then, believe me. Go to the event, enjoy the party and pick and choose little bites of what looks good. After you nibble them, many may have looked good but may not agree with your new tummy. It is a growing process, day by day just like a babies first steps. Weebles Wobble but they don't fall down. Don't fall down, don't give up take each day as it comes. Love & Hugs Ron

I have a feeling that you will want to go to the gathering by the time it is here. Do you have to decide now? If not just tell them you will go and then deal with them at the time if you do not want to go. You will be feeling great then and might want to try to see how you deal with it. You can always leave saying you are sick or blame it on DH. Works for me!!! Good luck! Theresa

You may feel fine by then.. at least you will have a little more energy. I am 1 1/2 weeks out, and already feel more energy. Your husband is right about being selfish.. this time is about you.. so if you don't feel comfortable.. then don't go.. take care of you. ~Heather

Sam: One of the things I learned about this surgery and its recovery--but in all of life, is that I need to take one day at a time and not project. Hey, you haven't even had the surgery yet!!! Time to let go and when the time comes for the party, you'll know better how you'll be feeling. I read somewhere--I think in Obesity magazine or somewhere--the focus after our surgery needs to turn to the people not the food. Just because your family's focus will be on food there is no reason why your focus needs to be there. The other thing to remember--now matter what--you won't be able to eat a lot anyway even if people shove food at you. You can run around with a camera or video camera and take pictures after you have finished eating---or have folks sign a guest book--or play with the kids after they eat--anything to keep you moving. And, you have another choice--not to attend or pick and chose what events you want to attend. YOU ARE NOT HORRIBLE YOU ARE NOT SELFISH AT ALL---YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO--SOME OF THE REASON SOME OF US ARE FAT IS THAT WE PLACED OURSELVES LAST ON THE PRIORITY LIST. Again, relax--take today only, the future will come on its own terms--all you can do is control yourself today--your thoughts and feelings--you can't project how others will look at you or control their feelings. Your sister is not being supportive at all---use your support system wisely--for many of us, it not the family we were born into. Opps--a bit preachy---but you have an issue that we all face and obvioulsy hit a chord with me. Take care, Jane

Thank you all for your wonderful support. I am going to take this one day at a time. My family, I love them with all of my heart, but they are all about DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA and for the next 2 months I just don't need it. I am so excited about what my life is going to be like and how my wonderful daughter is finally going to have the mother that she deserves! I am scared of complications and that I won't be able to handle it. I don't need the drama on top of it. HOWEVER, after hearing everyone else's advice and suggestions....what would be a more appropriate place then to unveil the "new" me! I am the biggest person in my family right now....NOT FOR LONG THOUGH!!!!! You guys are the best. I love you all. Sam