After a year...long ramblings

I'm sorry all but I'm just feeling down...I have been a lot lately and I don't want to keep complaining to you all but you seem to understand well and are able to boost me up.  Yes, I'm taking Effexor XR for it but it doesn't seem to be working well...going to call the dr today. I was shopping at Big Lots yesterday...went to get some more of those blessed soya krisps and power crunch bars.  The power crunch bars are WONDERFUL if you haven't tried them ~ $2.99 at GNC but I found some at Big Lots for $0.70!!!!!   Anyways...I was getting snack stuff for DH and the kids....all I wanted to do was cry in the isle.  Even a year out I just kept thinking "What have I done to myself".  I can't enjoy anything and then when I do find something I enjoy I feel so guilty about it.  I've had this issue, which I've mentioned, with ice cream.  So I stopped the ice cream and have been making a frozen fage with peanut butter and it taste just like ice cream but again I feel so guilty for enjoying it.    I ended up buying Edy's no sugar added fudge tracks that has 110 calories for 1/2 cup with very little sugar/sugar alcohol.  Again, I enjoy it but feel guilty and go back and forth from the counter with my bowl and the freezer...should I shouldn't I.  AUGH!!!!!! I'm frustrated that I can't eat much and have had a few days that I've over ate and feel horribly sick ~ like last night I got home late, ate dinner (no sugar added beans with a protein link) then had some water then the frozen fage all within 2 hours and I felt like I had ate the Thanksgiving Turkey.  I went upstairs and proceeded to exercise till I fell asleep on the floor stretching.  I'm getting so compulsive all I think about is what am I going to eat next, when, how many calories do I have left for the day, how much will it make me gain if I eat, etc...I'm driving myself nuts. I know I have absolutely NOTHING to complain about as I recieved a box of clothes I won on Ebay the other day ~ size 2 and 4.  Everything fit!!!!  I won't wear a couple of the shirts because they are short sleeve and my waving arms make me self-conscious.  I weigh a meesly 123.8 most mornings, have even been as low as 121.4. SORRY FOR THE COMPLAINING I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF!!!

Hi Stephanie Our   group here in bangor have a  counselor  that  can be seen when  we are struggling like you are.   From what i here she is wonderful.   You should check with your center to see if they have someone that   works mostly with   eating disorders  or bariatric  surgery.   Sounds to me like you need someone to listen to you and help you sort out all these feelings.   You are doing wonderfully  and we do understand not wanting to gain the weight back  but  you  also need to maintain a healthy weight so that means  eating normal again.   Not overeating but eating normal. Hope you get a some help  we are all thinking about you!!!!

Stephanie, I know I'm the last person to talk to you, cause I'm having a hard time following my diet also.  but I do know that If I start the day without much protein and low in calories, by the end of the day I"m out of control.  Maybe your sabataging yourself by not having enough calories.  You really should trying upping your calories.  and I agree, maybe you could go see HOlly or someone D. Loggins can suggest.  or your PCP.  Sounds like their might be some underlying depression, that has nothing to do with your weight loss, but your weight loss might be adding to it.  deal with one problem at a time. taking the Effexor might help but it don't make the problem go away.  Have a good day and nice holiday,  HONK and HUGS...!!!

Stephanie you are so hard on yourself girl. You need to find a way to relax a little. Get out the calgon?? I would call Dr Loggins office and see what if anything they can do for you. I really hope you feel better soon. Life is to short to let things get to you so badly ( I am guilty of doing the same) So that is for me as well. You are in my thoughts and prayers. {{{{HUGS}}}}

Hi Stephanie!  Sorry you are having a rough time right now!  I agree with the others that maybe a call to Dr Loggins office to see what they suggest....and maybe the Effexor isn't the right med for you.  Because of the malabsorption, maybe the dose isn't right??  I think you have to allow yourself some indulgences otherwise the cravings will make things even worse (just my opinion).  I feel for you and hope you get beyond this and start feeling better about things!  I know you are one of the people I look up to sooo much for inspiration!  You are doing so well!  Know you are in my thoughts and prayers!  Keep us posted on how you are doing!  (((((hugs))))) and honks!  Ruth

Stef, If I know anything, I know that grief comes in waves. yet it is always there.  And I believe that letting go of the food that has always shown up in our lives when we have needed it is a relationship that we have to grieve. Now, most of the time, it is like standing in the surf, with it lapping around our ankles, but every now and then, like now for you, a rogue wave comes out of no where and knocks us off our feet. It is hard to find the bottom again, and we feel as thought we might drown, but then our foot hits bottom and up we stand.  And we are still only in  ankle deep water. It didn't kill us and by God it made us stronger.  I think you are experiencing some real grief issues about putting food in a different place in your life. It is a necessary part of this process and one that takes time for all of us. Lots of peeps on the site here talk about still seeing themselves as still being over weight. You have to believe the scale and the mirror, it is not going to be snatched away from you tomorrow, relax and enjoy this new self, your body will not betray you again without a fight.  Call a therapist if you think it has gone beyond what you can deal with alone or with our help.  I am a therapist and I am seeing a therapist about this surgery etc...to help me deal with my food related stuff...so there is no shame in that.  Besides, in my humble opinion, the best use of an antidepressant is with therapy. You are in my thoughts and prayers today, Go bury your nose in one of your horse necks and breathe!!! They know what is important!! Relationship, grass and water with a nap thrown in, preferable in the sun, and a good run once a day. love you! kate

Don't feel bad for coming on here and letting it all go.  That's what we're here for...support.  I agree that you should call in and see about making an appointment with Holly.  You should not be feeling this guilty (especially a year out) about eating normal...actually not even normal...better than normal because things are sugar free...foods.  There must be something underlying because you should be celebrating each day and truly enjoying your life and your food now.  Of course you don't want to gain the weight back, but you are watching your calories and are making better chouices than before.  No sugar added ice cream vs. loaded suggar ice cream.  This surgery is a lifestyle change and changing your eating habits...you have done that successfully.  You should be able to maintain with your "better choices" no problem.    If food issues start to get bigger and bigger and you start to think about it all the time, it will consume you and it could potentially turn into an eating disorder.  It is great that you recognize some things are happening in your mind and you came here for support. You should be celebrating and enjoying! I am only a little over 3 months out and I already have had a sugar free peanut butter cup here and there.  To me that is okay and I feel good about it.  I am having something that seems sweet and it's just one every once in awhile...not a whole 10 pack of the regular ones like before. Try to stay positive girl!

Thank you everyone!!  I knew I could count on you all for support and guidance.  I thank you also for the wonderful comments.  I love my OH family. I have a question though:  Who is Holly?  I don't know who she is but if I can see her and she can help me I will.  I have called my PCP to get the Effexor changed to the non-time released.

Holly is the psych gal at CMMC...out of the Family practice office 795-5750. She's the one who cleared most of us for surgery from a psych standpoint...really nice gal!

Thank you Ruth, I will call her tomorrow.