tell me i'm just a baby

ok, what would you do or how would you feel.  My son and his girlfriend (who don't like us) made plans to go out to eat Sat with our friends.  didn't ask us!  so last night I find out about it. and out of sympathy they said, ohhh, you can come!  my question is :  would you go?  this isn't the first time they go out to eat behind our back with them.  MY son loves to be with us, but is doing this for his girlfriend.  I am hurt, but can't see myself sitting there, pouting eather.  how can I go and not be emotional.  I'm such a baby.  I need to get over it.

Oh that is a tough one. You really don't want to alienate your son. How serious is he with this gal? I would let them go and hope your son puts the gf in her place.

I'm not going to say anything, but there are things that we have always done together and now he is doing with her and her friends, and even OUR friends and leaving us out of it.  I Love them doing things with their firends don't get me wrong, it is just, I cry thinking my poor son in the middle.  so I won't say anything.  but like I said If I go and I get eye rolling and stuff, I feel very hurt and rather stay home.  they are very serious, thinking of buying a condo together.  he still is living at home right now and she lives out of state, so we don't see her often.

Going out with their friends and not inviting you is normal.  But it seems weird they would go out with your friends.  Unless I am just confused or soemthing.  Why would she want to have dinner with your friends ya know.    You would think that your son would know that you would find out and be hurt by it.  It is a weird situation.  Hang in there.  I am so quick to judge.  I don't like her hee hee.

I know it is weird, although they  (our friends) have a dgt her age. so they get along, you know the whole girly thing (coach purse, manicures, bla bla bla) and my friend is like that too.  so I'm just not into that, but that is ok..... I just feel really hurt, when my friend asked me If I was going, I was like where??? she said oh, I thought you were told?  so anyway, I get my feelings hurt and you can tell, cause I get moody and teary eyed, so if I do go I'll be no fun.  but I just dont' want my son being put in the middle.  boy, if its not one thing it another.  I wish I couild just be a button I could push and move on and not let it keep me up all night. hehe, thanks guys for being here, I can't talk like this to my husband, he is wonderful, but I just cry and get all blubbery.

Hey, will all need to be a baby sometimes...although myself I call it sitting on the pity pot. Your friends must feel a little awkward now too. I'm like Tanya - I don't really understand why they would want to hang out with your friends.   This on the surface looks like one of those situations that is a turning point - either it can be used to build a bigger rift or it could be used to start a bridge.

I would ask the question... Help me understand why you would not invite us to go out>  If you take the inquiring stance rather than the hurt stance, you might hear the truth. Then the emotion, that you will beautifully control...is out of it and you have the chance to communicate with your son, he might very well be caught in the middle.  Life is too short to argue, and lose one minute of this precious time we have with our kids is just wrong! hang in there.! hugs, kate

well, I might be out of line here, because she is covered.  She sent me an email Thurs and said oh, just wanted to let you know i'm coming to Maine this weekend, and that they (son and her) were going to to dinner and if we wanted to come we could.  but never told me they were meeting everyone else at the restaurant. plus, I guess this was all planned last Sat. she called them all from Boston and not us.  So, If I ask her, she will just say we asked you.  I responded to her email, and said that they should go together and enjoy the night out, cause they have a distance relationship.  and she replyed and never said anything about the gang going. I know my son knows I'm hurt, he keeps looking at me and avoiding me.  I have faith in him and know he won't do this for long, cause he knows it hurts us.  I just need to give him time, but meanwhile I don't know how to behave in front of her.

and Thank you guys, I"m sitting here crying my eyes out, like a big baby. hehe

Boy this is a tough one, my friend. I am the mother of a 25 yr old son and there was one particular girlfriend he had that I didn't like at all. She treated him so badly and broke up with him often and he always took her back. Nothing I said made a difference so I stopped saying anything. And then, just before their last (permanent) break up, he was visiting and we were just talking about other things and I said calmly and lovingly (outside at least, inside I was holding my breath), "Honey, help me understand what it is about Carlyn that you love so much. Clearly there is something there that I am having difficulty seeing and if you love her I know I must be missing something." This opened up a conversation that led to "Can you imagine yourself 10 years down the road with children? Is she someone you want to be their mother?" I could see that hit a nerve, because he is not one that likes a life full of drama and she would bring that for sure. Shortly afterward they broke up. I am not saying it was anything I said but I do think our conversation made him think it through.

If I were you, I would not go out with them this time. I would do my best to be the adult in the situation (even if you feel like throwing a tantrum) and just let it go for now, but after she leaves town and you are over the greatest part of your hurt, I would sit down with your son (maybe take him out to dinner just the two of you!) and tell him that you were hurt over this and that you are worried that if he continues with her, you will lose him since she so clearly does not want you in their lives. Emphasize that you do not want to get into the middle and his relationship is his concern, but that your relationship with him and with future grandchildren is your concern. Does he have any suggestions how the two of you may begin to build a bridge to a better relationship? That you are so willing to try. But do this when you can do it calmly and not be too emotional over it. No guilt trips on your son, as someone earlier said, he probably is right between a rock and a hard place here, but if he sees you trying and her not trying that may open his eyes somewhat. In the meantime, spend time with him alone if need be, and enjoy him in those precious moments. I will keep you in my prayers!