Sad.. Please Help

Hi Tarka,  I too am sorry to hear this has happened. But... I don't believe in coincidence--I think it happened for a reason. And while I DO believe it is more about them and their insecurities and even fears (Deep down they may fear losing the Tarka they care about--and feel they know well) I am of the mindset that it should be confronted or resentments will build. After all,she was your "best friend" for a reason (likely multiple reasons) right? And so to just abruptly end it may not feel so good either. But on the other hand, you don't want it "renting space in your head." So..... can you invite her and her partner over sometime when your partner is home with you and maybe have the email printed out and say something like "We are all adults here and I don't want to get into a shouting match or throwing accusations at each other but truth be told, this was sent to me apparently by accident and I read it and am very hurt. I wish you'd have come to me with your feelings and given me a chance to explain more fully my reasons for having the surgery and what it means to me." Then give them a chance to express their feelings and hopefully by the end of the evening, come to some sort of peace about it. This can be used as an opportunity for growth or it can destroy. I for one hope it provides opportunities for growth--even if the friendship doesn't last!   To be sure, trust will be impacted for some time to come. But hopefully, if you want to save the friendship and it still means something to you, the four of you will find a way! Take care, Lori

Hi Tarka, I also had so called friends/co workers that said it was easy way out . well let me tell ya its no easy way out...they are just jealous because you have done something and brave enough to do something to help yourself..Just look at the big picture your health will get better and you are going to feel better about yourself. there so called friend ship just became real..I would send the email back to them and say thanks for the comments. Dont waste alot of time wishing you didnt recieve the email because everything does happen for a reason. Have great day.. take-care of yourself and make sure u are first in line everyday for the rest of your life because your the one that is doing it for you...

Tarka,     I want to clarify something in my post from yesterday. When I said "distance yourself from your friend", I didn't necessarily mean give up the friendship entirely. Distancing yourself......meaning, put some space and time between you to cool off and examine where things are with regard to those comments and that friendship.   Time is a good healer for many things, and friendships that were meant to last will weather storms.     Again, feel free to e-mail me. Anne

That sucks---especially since she was supposed to be a 'best friend.'  But even if friends are jealous and insecure with themselves---if they were a true friend they would not have said those things behind your back.  And we all know that it is NOT the easy way out.  But let's just say she truly think it was the easy way out.....so what.  If she is your best friend she should be happy for you regardless.  She could have said somehting like---I think you could have done it on your won---but I understand why you took this route and I am so happy that your health is improving, you feel better about yourself, and that you did this for yourself and your family. She is like that friend that you know is shysty.  The one where you try on two outfits to go out in and you KNOW one is sooo not flattering and she says 'oh definitely wear that one' (the unflattering one.   I would be so annoyed that she even went there about the sizes.  A) what planet does she live on??  I have fit into a size 16 in one brand and a 22 in another.  No mnfr makes clothes in the same sizes.  And what---just because you lost weight she all the sudden doesn't trust you anymore--that you would lie about the size you are wearing.  So weight=trust now.  Maybe I am on a tangent---but I know these type of people and they are sabotagers!  The ones when you are on a diet that bring over a tray of brownies they made and 'forgot' you were on a diet (when that is all you have talked about for weeks). I agree with the other poster that you need to confront her about being hurt.  You are doing so well---you do not need this negativitey and to feel bad.  And if she doesn't want to be supportive (even if she thinks it was the easy way), then she doesn't want to be a true friend.  Who wouldn't want their friend to be healthy and happy---no matter how they got there. Psssttt-----I live in Lewiston---where does she live lol...it is almost halloween and I have some tp and eggs ha ha.  Okay---I am 34 so I won't go there----but it did cross my mind!

Well thanks everyone for their words of encouragement... Here is what I did..  I forwarded the email to them and wrote a very "not nice" intro.. I basically said.. When you are talking about someone, make sure you don't send it to them! and just commented on different things that they said.. It was crazy..  Then I talked to them last night.. And she was very upset, crying.. Said that she never meant for it to hurt me or anything that she would never do that. She said sometimes she just doesn't know how to be supportive, because apart of her is jealous.. (she is a size 10- so not heavy at all) and I just said that I need time to think and figure out what I need and want out of this friendship..  Because this incident shows me where our friendship stands.. Needless to say.. It's been a long night.. Couldn't sleep or eat... This morning I craved bad food, and had 2 pieces of a kit kat and then some junior mints. I know that may not sound bad, but I have been staying away from chocolate and sugary things, and I felt so nauseous (which probably means I dumped.. I have never dumped before.. ) I know it's not good to not eat, but I am afraid if I do its going to be all "bad" foods.. So, I am kinda staying away from things until I have enough control, because this morning was the first timeI felt "out of control" since surgery... And go2grl.. She lives in Topsham.. But.. We could both go over.. hehe.. JK!  We should get together sometime.. all of us Lewistinians.. Or I should say Logginians :) Or Mainers... we should pick a day and go to lunch or something.. It would be fun!

Tarka....I applaud you! I think the rest of us do as well. It isn't always easy to handle situations like that but you handled it extremely well. Just make sure you get your fluids in and try to get a little protein too. Put those tempers as far away as you can. If you handled the situation as well as you did, you'll be able to handle the cravings too. (dumping helps to remind us all! ) Time heals. You'll do just fine. As for a gathering of "Logginians" I totally agree. We should try to get together outside of our pre and post surgery meetings.  Anne

You handled the situation perfectly---so try not to feel bad about it at all!  I am glad she feels bad though---I am allowed to since I don't know her hee hee. I agree we should all meet up sometime.  I am just starting my journey so I have not met a single person yet.  Going to a nutrition class Nov 5 and the new patient orientation Nov  7.  But you ladies are all on the other side of things.  I can't wait until I am there!

I'm a Logginian! LOL I'd love to meet up with you guys sometime! For a late chime in too - So sorry that your "best friend" did that to you. I think you handled it absolutely correctly. It's what I would have done! I'm glad too that she realizes that it's jealousy making her do that. I have an unsupportive future-sister-n-law and some co-workers that definetely think I'm "cheating". Also have a co-worker that is probably close to 400 pounds and she's supportive but you can tell she thinks I'm nuts. I take their statements and do with it what I do with all the unsolicited parenting advise (listen, say thanks, then forget they ever said it!) You did the RIGHT THING and that's what's important! All that matters is how you feel. I'm sure your partner is behind you 110% and I'd care what she thinks more than anyone else! :)