Who am I going to be?

My surgery date is April 13th and I'm experiencing so much emotion. At first I thought that it was anxiety about the surgery risks. Now I am seeing that it is more about CHANGE. Letting go of the food and becoming....who? Last night on ER, Carrie kept cancelling her hip surgery because she didn't know who she was going to be if she wasn't a "disabled person". It really resonated with me that a lot of my anxiety was about that. Who am I going to be if I am not a "super obese person". In some areas of my life this body provides invisibility, in others it provides a certain power. I have given up on being selfconcious most of the time, but I know from my past experiences with major weight loss that I start getting very self concious when people start noticing and I hate that feeling. I think I am nervous about how people will see me and treat me as a normal sized person. I had a dream where I was screaming at someone that it was still me in here... Anyway, I know the way to alleviate the anxiety for me is to discuss it so thank you all for listening. I hope to be posting frequently over the next few weeks. Dotsie

Dotsie, You have certainly articulated a very important issue. Those of us who have been overweight or obese most of our lives, have not had the opportunity to develop a non obese identity. When I look at photos of me when I weight 115 pounds less (but slightly obese) I wonder why I considered myself gross and fat. The messages out there are still pretty loud and do not leave us much chance to get a sense of who we are. I personally dread the "inspector generals" who will comment "oh, have you lost some weight?" I equate the weight loss which accompanies WLS similar to what addicts go through when they become abstinent. When they start using, on some level their emotional growth is stunted. When they become abstinent they find that their emotional growth begins again -- sometimes taking them through difficult and challenging changes while their emotional side catches up to their chronological age. The fact that you are asking the questions and pondering the issue is more than half the battle. I think the bottom line is -- you will be free to be fully who you are. I'm two days ahead of you (surgery is 4/11). We can and will get through to the other side. Brynn

Hi Brynn, Only 3 1/2 weeks until we take that next big step towards our new life. I look at myself in pictures from High School and I thought that I was huge weighing 190 lbs less than now. It's going to be interesting to see how I feel in a couple of years from now. Thanks for your support. Dotsie

Hi Dorthy I saw ER and I can also relate.I was 598 lbs at one time and today I weigh 224 lbs.I am having a hard time figuring out who I am and how people see me.I don't get the evil stares anymore,I am doing things that everyone does but I am confused.I never was a normal weight,I was always fat from childhood until 28 months ago.I am always doing things to help people and never for myself.All my life I hid behind my fat and now i'm out there and there is no where to hide.I am loving my new life and the perks that come with being well not fat.I hope you have a great night and i'll be looking at this post to see what other people have to say..........steve

Hi Dotsie-- I wish I had an answer for you. I'm going through the same thoughts now that the surgery was over. For so long I focused on wanting the surgery to change. Now that its happened and I'm starting to change, I don't want to change some of things I am. People are starting to comment like "When you become smokin' hot..." Its not easy to overcome. The best advice I have is stay true to yourself!

Funny thing for me is that I am much more invisable now than I was before. My biggest dream was to walk through the mall and not get noticed. It happens all the time now. its nice to be invisble ;) Diana RNY 9/17/03 360/200

I understand. The invisibility that I experience as an obese person is more like that of the pink elephant in the living room. Strangers notice me on some level, but don't want to acknowledge my existence. While I know that, I have come to join society in their denial and feel quite invisible at times in public. The absurdity of it is that I also use my obesity at other times to be more noticeable. I am looking forward to being normal sized and just one of the crowd instead of always being invisible or center stage, better than or less than, etc. TI think that is why I'm thinking about this stuff now so that I can start changing some of the head part before I have to deal with the body part. Thanks for responding, Diana. Dotsie