The Mistreated Tool - A Valuable Lesson
I posted this on the main board, but not everyone goes there and I really wanted to share with my local friends....
The Mistreated Tool - A Valuable Lesson
In the summer of 1985, I met my future ex-husband and some of his family. I would meet his mother later because she lived several states away and had just had "her stomach stapled." I was not overweight at this point in my life and had never heard of such a thing as "stomach stapling". My ex explained to me that she was a very short woman who weighed over 300 pounds and she had this surgery to lose the weight. They explained how the stomach would be so small that she couldn't eat very much and she would have no choice but to lose weight. It made sense. It was simple. At least, the very short explanation was simple. No one said anything about "rules."
I met her about a year after her surgery. She was down to a size EIGHT. Everyone was so happy and proud of her. She was happy. One of the first things I learned about her was that she loved Dr. Pepper and ONLY drank Dr. Pepper. I loved Dr. Pepper, too. Another thing I learned about her was that she loved making candy. She taught me how to make all kinds of candy. Suckers, peanut brittle, fudge, little chocolate candies, cream cheese candies....you name it....we made it. She also made cakes for people....so I learned how to make cakes.....GREAT cakes. We loved going out to eat. We ate out all the time. When she cooked, there was tons of food - BIG meals with meat and lots of starches and always dessert.
I eventually married her son and we moved to her hometown. I spent a LOT of time with this woman. Still, I knew nothing about the "rules" that went along with her surgery. We frequented the Old Country Buffet. We made candies and cakes. We drank Dr. Pepper. I don't mean one or two a day...I mean 12 or more per person a day. We went to Steak and Shake for subs, fries and SHAKES. The primary vegetable in the household was the potato. If it was green, it was covered with cheese or cooked with bacon.
Two years into my marriage, I gained over 100 pounds. My mother-in-law told me that I needed to have my stomach stapled like she did. The thought weighed heavily on my mind. The more I thought about it, the more confused I became. I thought about what I observed with my mother-in-law. How did she eat differently than me? She didn't. In fact, she was getting larger too. My mind went through all that had happened. She had the surgery to reduce the size of her stomach. How did her stomach get so big? Oh, because she ate until she was full and it just kept stretching. Whoa. Wait a minute. Is she stretching it back out again? She was eating as much as the rest of us. She was drinking 12 or more Dr. Peppers a day. She was eating cakes, candies, ice cream, fried foods...she was eating everything. No, I would not have the surgery. It didn't appear to be working. It appeared to be a temporary fix. She kept hounding me and I kept disagreeing. We did not get along at all after that.
We moved back to Maryland. I began one of many diets. I got down to a size 12. I couldn't wait for her to come visit and see that I did it all by myself. She came. She saw. It pissed her off. She was now well into a size 18. I kept struggling with my weight. In fact, my ex-husband finally told me that I disgusted him and that he hated fat women. I divorced him for that. How can a person love you ONLY if you are thin? What about in sickness and in health? I loved him fat or not...toothless or not....whether he had one leg or two...and so on.... How could someone just turn love on or off? I deserved better.
For the next 15 years my weight would go up and down. Each time it went up, it went up higher than the last time. Each time it came off, it was harder and took longer than the last. I began having serious health issues. My heartburn was out of control, I had Barrett's Esophagus and I developed arthritis. These things limited my movement and I continued to gain. Then it happened. The long forgotten subject of weight loss surgery came up again. Remembering my ex-mother-in-law, I pushed the thought right out of my head. As if an omen from above, my ex-mother-in-law came to town to visit her grandchildren. She was well over 300 pounds. I was floored. My mind made up that weight loss surgery was NOT the way to go.
A few months later, my sister made the decision to have RNY Gastric Bypass. I was terrified for her. I love her so much. It was because I love her that I realized how her heart ached from being overweight her entire life. She really had tried everything. I knew I couldn't talk her out of it...and I wouldn't try because I knew it would hurt her. So I researched it.
OMG! I learned everything there was to learn about it and boy, did I learn. There are RULES to live by. It is a LIFESTYLE change. There is such a thing as NONCOMPLIANCE. Wow. she would not be having sodas with sugar, candies, cakes, buffets, high-carb starches. She would not be able to do those things. I became completely engrossed in the details. My sister had my support for sure. I had to present a speech for my communications class and I gave my speech on the RNY Gastric Bypass procedure.
Now that I was educated, I was ready. I spoke with my current husband about it. He has loved me and supported me through all my ups and downs. He told me that I didn't have to do this because he loves me either way. He said he didn't want to lose me. He said he would support me no matter what I decided and he did. I had the RNY Gastric Bypass procedure on June 1st, 2005.
I feel great and I'm down 37 pounds in a little less than two months. My sister is also doing very well and has lost nearly 100 pounds in just 5 months. We support each other. Together, we follow the rules of the pouch.
I will never forget my ex-mother-in-law. I'll always wonder why she never mentioned the rules and why she never followed them. I'll always wonder if the carbonation in the sodas stretched her pouch or if the sodas ate her staples away. Why didn't she focus on protein? Why didn't she take vitamins? Why did she do so many of the things she did? I may never understand her, but she did teach me some important life lessons. She taught me the importance of compliance. She taught me to take good care of my tools.
You'll always be my baby sister. I'm so proud of you! 
It is interesting about how people can fall in and out of "love" based on the weight of their partner and things like that. I feel lucky to have met my husband who married me when I was already well overweight. I've never been perfectly thin. How does a perfectly thin person ever know how her husband would react if she put on weight? I guess the only real guage is his overall attitude toward overweight people.
Anyway, I consider that a bright side to being overweight. When someone falls in love with you.. they fall in love with YOU.
Gosh, you hear about this sort of thing all the time and see it on the daytime shows and court shows. Married couples fighting because he can't stand how fat she's gotten... and most of the time, he's far from perfect himself!
I have a very supportive and loving husband, but I still reassure him with that very knowledge. There is already one thing I know about him that I could never know about anyone else. He loved me even when.
Thank you for posting this message. I am almost three years out from my RNY Gastric Bypass and have noticed some troubling things returning as far as my habits go. You are so right - this is a tool not a magic wand. I have been guilty of grazing - just munching and munching on stuff all day long. Its' mostly stress and boredom that are sending me to pasture. And yes, I've seen a few (4) pounds return, just a few, but I don't want to keep gaining. So we need to make sure to follow the guidelines that our doctors gave us. It was easy when we really couldn't eat more, or eat certain foods. At that point, the tool was controlling us by making us REALLY uncomfortable if we misused it. But after a certain point, you can eat a little more, graze on foods that aren't good for you, and the weight will come back.
The one thing that I have found is that once I returned to the basics - pushing protein and water - that the weight comes back off a little more easily. The best thing to do though, is to not start mistreating the tool in the first place.
Good luck to everybody!
Janet
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