Was WLS a mistake?

Not because of problems or issues with the surgery, but my wife.

Found out last week El is jealous of my weight loss,, but doesn't want to have WLS  herself.  I don't know what to think or do.

Tom

Tom best advice here, is deal with it now.  Make sure she knows you love her no matter what and that you aren't going anywhere whether she gains or loses anything... Otherwise you are setting up more issues in the long run...

Talk, Talk, Talk - find out WHY she is jealous, is it because she wants to lose weight or is it because she thinks the attention is on YOU and your loss, not on her all of a sudden?

You can't fix what is broken if you don't get the whole picture...  She may also feel better reading on the boards and/or talking to other spouses who have not had surgery...

Hey Angie,

Many years ago she looked into getting Lapband. She then decided she didn't want to go through surgery. She is afraid of surgery. She has gained a lot of weight since we met, but that doesn't bother me. The change in her emotionally does. She is not he same person I married. Last week at a counseling session, I told the shrink I felt like she resented me having WLS. She said it wasn't resentment, but more jealousy, and she was not going to have surgery. Now I don't bug her about WLS, I just told her a few months ago if she was considering it, or anything else, she should do it before my insurance changed, I know what is covered now, today, but tomarrow,, who knows. VZ is going down the tube, fast.

Tom

Are you feeling better after WLS, Tom?  Is your health is better, your joints, your energy level?  Or have you had WLS complications putting you at high risk? Only you can answer if WLS was a mistake for  you or not.

Your wife's emotional issues you may have to deal with, but you can't own them.  You can reassure her, offer her encouragement and your love.  You're both doing the right thing seeking counseling and talking about this matter. But you shouldn't feel guilty for taking control of your own obesity and having WLS just because your wife hasn't and is still obese.

I'm glad to hear you're not trying to talk your wife into it, and letting her know you'll support her decision either way.  And I don't think it was wrong to recommend she consider it before any changes in benefits either, but she may have felt pressured by the statement.  She may have misinterpreted you mentioning it as a suggestion and that you want her to have WLS.

I hope you can work through this with her. Just remain open and honest and as Angie so wisely advised... talk, talk, talk.

Tom,

I'm sorry to hear you're having issues with your wife's acceptance, but perhaps even if you had not had WLS, there would still be marital issues.....sometimes marriage comes easy and without work, and sometimes you have to work at it....I hope that you can get marriage counseling.

WLS for me, was definitely NOT a mistake.  Feeling healthy is amazing and just like a miracle.  No more meds, no more medical issues -- I feel fantastic.  I hope you and your wife can work through the rough patch.  Perhaps she needs to attend some support groups of spouses who have not had surgery and how they are coping. 

Unfortunately, when someone is insecure, it's up to them to find ways to deal with it and work through it.  You can be there for her and reassure her, but as one of the other posters said, it's her problem and she must own it.

Good luck to you.

Debbie

I don't believe you actually think it could be a mistake. You know how much it's changed your life for the better...the issues with your wife would have been there WLS or not, but like you said, they are surfacing more now because she sees your success and doesn't want surgery herself so it's probably making her feel pretty hopeless about her own weight.

I don't have any good advice but it's definitely an issue that you and she have to deal with and I know you know the WLS isn't really the problem here.

Tom, you just need to love her and communicate with her.  She has to make the decision to have WLS surgery or not.  You can not make that decision for her.  Continue on your journey and do what you need to do.  Make sure you show her how much you love her just the way she is.  I definitely would keep going to counseling. 

Tom,  you knew the  high rate of divorce among WLS patients when only ONE overweight partner has/had surgery.    We've talked of this I think.... that was one of the reasons Bri and I did this together.

I'm sorry you and El are having problems.   I would hope that you can both go to counseling either together separately or both..

Sadly,   WLS fixes ONE thing, our digestive anatomy.  It does NOT fix our emotions, our feelings, our children, our friends, our marriges our jobs or our brains....