Don't know how shake my old mentality

I'm having a really hard time changing my way of thinking. I'm still thinking like the 362 lb girl I was a year ago and it's making me look like a lunatic. My husband and I went to Ocean City this past weekend and he suggested we go ride go-carts. I hadn't been able to do that since I was a kid! So we get there and as we're standing in line, I start getting really nervous thinking I won't fit. He kept assuring me that I would, but it didn't help. I get into the go-cart and have trouble getting the harness buckled. I immediately start sweating and tears actually come to my eyes. The operator comes over and I whisper "It doesn't fit" and he looks at me like I'm nuts and pulled the harness a little and buckled it with no problem. I should have been ecstatic, but in all honestly, I was still panicking inside, waiting to blow out a tire or something, and couldn't even enjoy the moment. My hands were all sweaty and shaky and I felt like a fool. I couldn't bring myself to ride them again. I had thought that the experience would be awesome, but I just psyched myself out so much that it made me sad. I don't know how to think any other way. I have literally been obese my entire life. The smallest I can ever remember being was 165 lbs at age 12 and that was after losing 35 lbs on a diet my doctor put me on. I guess it just takes time. Logically, I KNOW that I'm smaller, but old habits die hard, I guess. I wasn't quite prepared for that experience. 

((((hugs))))

The physical weightloss after surgery is the easy part.  The psychological weightloss is the hard part.  They don't operate on our heads.

Brandi,

I've been smaller as a child and an adult and I am STILL struggling mightily with this issue. I even wrote about it HERE in my blog (the bottom  called "who's that girl in the mirror")

AND I've been to see the LCSW from the surgical practice to work on this exact issue.

She tells me that it can take  2 or more years after we lose the weight for our brains to catch up.

Sounds to me like you're perfectly normal.


I'm having panic attacks buying clothes that have an L on them not an XL or XXL so I get it.

Thanks for sharing your blog with me, Nessa. It helps to know that I'm not nuts and that there are others that get it. 

Aww Brandi, ((hugs)). Well, I can't say I don't understand that feeling, but after having lost as much as you have it has to be that much more disturbing for you. I'm sorry.

My boyfriend and I went to Busch Gardens a couple of years ago and I experienced the reverse of what you did but the results were the same. I went to get on the new roller coaster in the park and I didn't consider the fact I'd gained so much weight and I might not fit (though I've been heavy my whole life). I didn't fit in the regular seat and they had to put me in the seat with the seat belt extender and everyone was watching and whispering and I was humiliated. Though I rode the ride, I don't recall any of it. I was silent and shocked with tears streaming from my eyes. This thing went upside down a few times too and I'm acting like I'm at a funeral!! My boyfriend was afraid I was going to go berserk but I was just quiet. It sucked.  Your story brought back that memory. Being overweight really has such an impact on us mentally, it's almost unfathomable. I have always thought (to some degree) that if I just lost the weight, I would be "normal". That is a misconception. Whatever normal is, I guess it just takes time.

You have made su*****redible progress and you look absolutely amazing. You have so much to be proud of. You've just taken giant steps towards losing weight but maybe you're taking baby steps to get there mentally. You're getting there though! You got in the go cart! It may have been a bad experience but you did it and next time, maybe you will get in KNOWING you're going to fit and you'll enjoy yourself. And here is something else I thought about...an area where you are worlds ahead of me girl...you posted those gorgeous pics of you on the beach on FACEBOOK!  YOU posted them yourself! That is a huge step - or at least it would be for me! I could be accused of maintaining an unpaid full-time job of just untagging pics of myself on FB! You are making progress and although painful, this experience WAS making progress. You're an inspiration to me!

I've also experienced that and I'm sure that's what triggered my anxiety on the go-carts. And you're absolutely right...it is a huge step for me to be posting pics of myself. I never used to put pics up. Thanks for reminding me of that, Laura. It's definitely a work in progress. And you're next! I'm so excited for you! You're gonna do awesome!!! :)

Brandi....
  I think we all go thru this. I can relate to what you said 150%! My husband has to remind me all the time that I am not the same woman I was 8 months ago.....but when you have lived your whole life obese, it doesnt register right away that youre not any longer. Everytime I go into a store, I immediately go to the plus size section, and then my daughters or my husband, remind me I have to go to the smaller section. Its weird when you have bought size 22-28 most of your adult life, and now shop for an 8! I KNOW I wear an 8, but when I pick it up I feel as if everyone is starring at me saying " She knows she cant fit her fat a** in that!". I will be soooooo happy when my brain catches up with my body!
Keep your head up & know that it does get better!

Okay, while we are venting -- I'll vent right along with you guys.  Restaurant booths, lawn furniture, roller coaster rides, go-cart seats, bikes, airline seats, movie theater seats ...... just to name a few of my  favorite things!!  Oh, let us not forget going to the local swimming pool at around age 13 when all the other girls wore their bikinis and we had our one piece bathing suit (that wasn't even made for someone our own age).  I always wanted to wrap that towel around my hips like the other girls -- instead, I had to wear my towell on my back like I was Batwoman.  Not this year girls -- even though I'm not 13 anymore, I do plan on wrapping that towel around my hips this year!!  I like slipping in and out of those booths now, hopping on that roller coaster at HersheyPark last year was a dream come true (I must have rode that darn thing 50 times before I left).  I went to see Wicked this weekend in Richmond and for once I didn't feel like Shrek sitting in between two other theater-goers.  Anyone else?

 Brandi, I'm sending you and everyone great big bear hug! 

I've yo-yo'd my weight since I was a kid too.  We need to give ourselves a break though- we've gone through major surgery, personal, emotional and physical trauma!  Our body heals, but the trauma and emotional aspect linger.

Use your powers of visualization to see yourself as your are now, or want to be in a mirror for those of us not at goal yet!  The more positive thinking we use, the more the negative loses power!!

You know, it takes the brain only minutes to accept a negative thought, but can take 30+ days to change a negative belief or thought pattern.  So start now... visualize and match or create your reality!  Once a day is good, twice a day is better, but 3 or more times a day is BEST!

The more we become aware of our own negative thought patterns, we can reprogram the brain!  Our brain is like a computer - electrical impulses that subconsiously work behind the scenes or consciously when ordered to.  So whenever a negative thought (neggie as I call them) comes in, mentally or out loud say, "Cancel, Cancel!" This tells your brain to ignore the neggie! It works!!!

Love, Light & Laughter!
Mitzi

Brandi, you have what most of us have, and Dr. Li calls it Fat Girl Disease. I was having a very hard time with this. After I lost 50lbs  I refused to change sizes in my clothes. I swore that the size down looked horrible, felt tight and it took  to where my stuff was literally falling off until I made some changes. It is a long process, I still have my issues. I know one day, I will look in the mirror and see what others see,and I won't see the old me anymore. Hang in there! Leslie:)