I'm done update

You guys have been really really supportive and I thank you for it.
They say there are 3 phases to a separation
1.  Sorrow, fear
2. Anger, vindictiveness
3. fast forward

I've reach anger and I have enough dirt to get even.  All legal
I'm weighing the options.  Part of me has planned for the release and moving on and part wants to leave a scorched earth behind
I know that patience, kindness ,and forgiveness should be the virtue in all this, but its not playing to well right now on both sides.  I guess the maturity factor has harden the hearts.
Open for advice.  My family and this board along with whomever whats to listen are  my rocks now

I totally understand the way you are feeling. It always intrigues me when I think of retaliation, especially to those who have hurt me, my friends, and especially my family. It's always a stress release to plot and plan with someone that you can have a good laugh while planning the attack. But, once you let some time go by and look at it again, it's always best to take the high road, especially if you have children together. I love the saying, "Give someone enough rope and they will hang themselves!" Karma is a ***** Think about it, and make sure whatever decision you make, you can live with! Good Luck, Leslie

Dean, I do understand where you are but I know from meeting you that you are a much better man than that. I am a firm believer in the saying life is short and every dog will get their day. I also believe that all the dirt you do will come back on you. Try to control yourself as you don't want anything to come back and bite you. Hold your head up and move on. As my 17 year old told me there are many fish is the sea.  I would also ask myself is it worth it? Then say what would I accomplish? I wish you well and if legally you can do something I saw get a lawyer just to cover your butt...

                                                                                                                       Julie

Been there done that - and totally get the scorched earth desire.  But, with Leslie, I am a big believer in Karma.  What goes around comes around - or at least given enough time the universe is a great equalizer.  A year or two from now, you'll be happier with yourself for leaving the earth unscorched.  I am sure of it.

the death of a marriage is still a death

as such it will follow the death mourning rituals. DABDA

 

Denial -- Coping usually begins with the person thinking "No way, not me."

1. Anger -- "Not me" will usually give way to "Why me?" as the person begins to accept the reality of the illness and becomes angry.
2. Bargaining -- As anger subsides, or even in it's midst, the person may begin to bargain for more time.
3. Depression -- When it becomes obvious that bargaining won't work, depression may set it.
4. Acceptance -- If the person is able to move through one or more of the previous stages, they may be lucky enough to reach the stage of acceptance before death.

Anger is different than vindictiveness.

I've had two divorces.  in NEITHER was I vindictive or angry enough to cause pain. I just wanted out.

NOT sure why you feel the need to hurt someone you previously loved.   The opposite of love is not hate.   The opposite of love is indifference.   Find that.  it makes it much easier.

I think by the time it comes down to getting to the lawyers, etc. you hope to achieve fast forward and move on emotionally... That said, until then, you have to decide if the anger and vindictiveness is hurting your children - if it is, then you need to let go.  (easier said than done...)

Good Luck!  No matter what route you end up going, remember how it affects your kids, they are teens but very impressionable, and how you both handle this will stay with them as they find relationships and adulthood...