I have alot of food issues - stress, anxiety etc etc.
My underlying issues with food are persisting more and more the longer I am out from surgery. It's gotten pretty bad to the point where I almost have anxiety attacks at the grocery store.
Food decisions for me are beyond stressful and almost consume me. I hate when non WLS people, let alone WLS people judge you based on your food decisions.
It doesn't take rocket science to realize there are healthier choices than sitting down to eat a bag of m&m's, a bag of chips, or a row of cookies etc. or whatever the vice at the moment could be, but the famous last lines.... why are you eating that or , you really shouldn't have that or that's not on your "diet" yayaya blah blah blah...well thanks for turning on the light for me geez!
Surgery for some may kick start them into being on a life long diet or in a new lifestyle but I've spent almost my entire life on diet and have not found a lifestyle I can stick to. When I go back and forth to the band board these people are clearly on diet, measuring all their food, counting calories, eating no carbs or sugar and so on and so forth. This is not how I want to live. Counting and measuring and logging makes me obsess more about it rather than just eating.
The band has also become increasingly more difficult because it's honestly lots of times easier to just eat what it is easy. With the band it's easy to eat junk food. We have no problem with fat or sugar and those things just go down, but try to eat a piece of chicken - it's just a lot of unpleasant effort, unappealing, so why bother is my attitude. And furthermore I don't know a darn person who ended up having weightloss surgery who didn't love junk food to some extent. So regardless if I had surgery, I still love junk food and my band doesn't change or help with that.
I'm not really sure where I am going or what I am doing. I can't be alone in this even though I know there many many goody two shoes who have had WLS, I am not one of them - especially not as a bandster. If I was a good dieter and made good choices I would have never been overweight - obese, to morbidly obese for 25+ years.
So here lately, I am angry, deprived, frustrated, anxious and stressed out, all wrapped into one revovling around food and other personal life battles.
Honestly I don't know what gives. I've started seeing a therapist to focus exclusively on food relationships and issues but we have a long long long eternity to go!
At this point in addition to weight loss surgery I feel like I need friggin' brain surgery to get through this is. I have so many more food issues than just the sole aspect of eating. They are actually pretty deep into my childhood being forced to eat resulting in a lifestyle that I could never waste anything so I just ate it all instead....yours, mine and theirs. All of this still persists.
I certainly don't feel like I failed my WLS this early on as I've had progression in the last 5 months but I do not want that to turn into regression like it has before with the cycle of dieting. It might be as easy for someone to say well just get back on track but that's the thing, I do not have a track! Weight loss for me including with surgery has been a rollercoaster both phsycially and mentally. Straight and narrow doesn't exist for me.
I've been so eh and ugh that I feel like I could almost come to tears writing this post. I have flashing signs of revision going on off in my head and saying why the hell did you just not do RNY to be more of a help with sugar and fat. I should have just taken the risk rather than hope and pray for restriction. Although, yes, I know, no surgery is a miracle cure but choosing the WLS surgery that requires the most work on behalf of the patient was the wrong move for me!!!
Obviously with the band there are still things I can't and really don't eat anymore but there are still to many things that are feel good and go to foods that are consumable and defeat the band. I do not regret this at all I just need help dealing and managing. I do not feel like I have a new life or that I am on a journey, I feel like I am banging my head up against a brick wall all on my own! And still the stigma persists....taking the easy way out! Easy way out my ass. I can write a book on the easy way out!
Maybe there is someone else here that can relate or maybe I'm just a totally way off and beyond help!
Food decisions for me are beyond stressful and almost consume me. I hate when non WLS people, let alone WLS people judge you based on your food decisions.
It doesn't take rocket science to realize there are healthier choices than sitting down to eat a bag of m&m's, a bag of chips, or a row of cookies etc. or whatever the vice at the moment could be, but the famous last lines.... why are you eating that or , you really shouldn't have that or that's not on your "diet" yayaya blah blah blah...well thanks for turning on the light for me geez!
Surgery for some may kick start them into being on a life long diet or in a new lifestyle but I've spent almost my entire life on diet and have not found a lifestyle I can stick to. When I go back and forth to the band board these people are clearly on diet, measuring all their food, counting calories, eating no carbs or sugar and so on and so forth. This is not how I want to live. Counting and measuring and logging makes me obsess more about it rather than just eating.
The band has also become increasingly more difficult because it's honestly lots of times easier to just eat what it is easy. With the band it's easy to eat junk food. We have no problem with fat or sugar and those things just go down, but try to eat a piece of chicken - it's just a lot of unpleasant effort, unappealing, so why bother is my attitude. And furthermore I don't know a darn person who ended up having weightloss surgery who didn't love junk food to some extent. So regardless if I had surgery, I still love junk food and my band doesn't change or help with that.
I'm not really sure where I am going or what I am doing. I can't be alone in this even though I know there many many goody two shoes who have had WLS, I am not one of them - especially not as a bandster. If I was a good dieter and made good choices I would have never been overweight - obese, to morbidly obese for 25+ years.
So here lately, I am angry, deprived, frustrated, anxious and stressed out, all wrapped into one revovling around food and other personal life battles.
Honestly I don't know what gives. I've started seeing a therapist to focus exclusively on food relationships and issues but we have a long long long eternity to go!
At this point in addition to weight loss surgery I feel like I need friggin' brain surgery to get through this is. I have so many more food issues than just the sole aspect of eating. They are actually pretty deep into my childhood being forced to eat resulting in a lifestyle that I could never waste anything so I just ate it all instead....yours, mine and theirs. All of this still persists.
I certainly don't feel like I failed my WLS this early on as I've had progression in the last 5 months but I do not want that to turn into regression like it has before with the cycle of dieting. It might be as easy for someone to say well just get back on track but that's the thing, I do not have a track! Weight loss for me including with surgery has been a rollercoaster both phsycially and mentally. Straight and narrow doesn't exist for me.
I've been so eh and ugh that I feel like I could almost come to tears writing this post. I have flashing signs of revision going on off in my head and saying why the hell did you just not do RNY to be more of a help with sugar and fat. I should have just taken the risk rather than hope and pray for restriction. Although, yes, I know, no surgery is a miracle cure but choosing the WLS surgery that requires the most work on behalf of the patient was the wrong move for me!!!
Obviously with the band there are still things I can't and really don't eat anymore but there are still to many things that are feel good and go to foods that are consumable and defeat the band. I do not regret this at all I just need help dealing and managing. I do not feel like I have a new life or that I am on a journey, I feel like I am banging my head up against a brick wall all on my own! And still the stigma persists....taking the easy way out! Easy way out my ass. I can write a book on the easy way out!
Maybe there is someone else here that can relate or maybe I'm just a totally way off and beyond help!
(((NIKKI)))
You'll get no judgement from me or anyone else, I'm sure, because at some point in our journeys, most of us struggle. Any wls patient who tells you otherwise is not being truthful.
Unfortunately, there is no quick fix to lose weight. No matter what type of surgery you have, you have to be committed to being compliant with your surgeon's and nutritionist's guidelines to the best that you can. For me, at least writing down my intake makes me somewhat accountable, and I also know that for me, carbs and sugar are the quickest ways to regain. I've also seen people eat their way right around the band, so I know for a fact that it never would've worked for me. When I went for my first consult, DVR and his staff asked what my biggest issues/triggers/weaknesses were, and simply put, they were sweets. Given my pre-op weight and my issues with food, it was kind of a no-brainer that only RNY would work for me. I kind of knew it going in because of the extensive research I'd done, and DVR confirmed that I'd have the best chance with RNY.
Refined carbs and junk food absolutely do go down much easier - I still have a problem with some protein dense meats. But you have to keep trying. And you're right, they only operated on our stomachs, not our heads. But you're doing a wonderful thing for yourself by seeing a therapist. I knew when I had wls that it would continue to be a lifelong battle for me. It's not for everyone, but I'd wager that it is for most.
So do your best - if you haven't seen your surgeon/nutritionist in a while, then make that a top priority. They're used to dealing with issues like this and can offer suggestions or guidance. You have to do this for yourself, but you're certainly not alone.
Hang in there,
Tia
You'll get no judgement from me or anyone else, I'm sure, because at some point in our journeys, most of us struggle. Any wls patient who tells you otherwise is not being truthful.
Unfortunately, there is no quick fix to lose weight. No matter what type of surgery you have, you have to be committed to being compliant with your surgeon's and nutritionist's guidelines to the best that you can. For me, at least writing down my intake makes me somewhat accountable, and I also know that for me, carbs and sugar are the quickest ways to regain. I've also seen people eat their way right around the band, so I know for a fact that it never would've worked for me. When I went for my first consult, DVR and his staff asked what my biggest issues/triggers/weaknesses were, and simply put, they were sweets. Given my pre-op weight and my issues with food, it was kind of a no-brainer that only RNY would work for me. I kind of knew it going in because of the extensive research I'd done, and DVR confirmed that I'd have the best chance with RNY.
Refined carbs and junk food absolutely do go down much easier - I still have a problem with some protein dense meats. But you have to keep trying. And you're right, they only operated on our stomachs, not our heads. But you're doing a wonderful thing for yourself by seeing a therapist. I knew when I had wls that it would continue to be a lifelong battle for me. It's not for everyone, but I'd wager that it is for most.
So do your best - if you haven't seen your surgeon/nutritionist in a while, then make that a top priority. They're used to dealing with issues like this and can offer suggestions or guidance. You have to do this for yourself, but you're certainly not alone.
Hang in there,
Tia
NIKKI:
I feel your pain. But, even with my RNY I can eat almost anything that I ate before. I do have some restriction, but I can still eat larger than I should portions. It will always be a brain battle for me, being from the "clean plate club" too.
If there was a cure for obesity, no one would be fat. Unfortunately, the reality is that we are going to have to work for it if we want it.
So, I guess what I am tryin to tell you is the grass always looks greener on the other side. We have to be satisfied with what we have or we have to make a conscious decision to change it. No one is going to do it for us.
However, if they do invent a proven cure for obesity, I will be first in line, holding a chocolate pie!! LOL!!
I feel your pain. But, even with my RNY I can eat almost anything that I ate before. I do have some restriction, but I can still eat larger than I should portions. It will always be a brain battle for me, being from the "clean plate club" too.
If there was a cure for obesity, no one would be fat. Unfortunately, the reality is that we are going to have to work for it if we want it.
So, I guess what I am tryin to tell you is the grass always looks greener on the other side. We have to be satisfied with what we have or we have to make a conscious decision to change it. No one is going to do it for us.
However, if they do invent a proven cure for obesity, I will be first in line, holding a chocolate pie!! LOL!!
Lisa Z.
When we believe, all things are possible!
I the majority of us wish we could tell you were alone, but we would all be lying. There are always going to be times when we wish life were different - not every human has weight and food issues, but I would be every human has issues to deal with. I think the first step in getting the battle of the band solved is to accept that you are human, will screw up and then will pick yourself up and start again. You say you have no straight and narrow, but how boring would life be if you did? This is a learning curve for us all - we all have to make our own paths, and just because you feel as though yours is curving more than you would like, it is what it is.
My best advice to you is to talk to your surgeon, and find a support system you can call on when you get the urge to eat something you know you shouldn't... I use a close friend and my husband - my husbands favorite line to me is "Is that going to p*** pouchy off?" and then I know I don't need it, usually it is enough to make me no longer want it... In reality very few things mess with pouchy enough to make me regret them...
For me, my deterrent is calories. Many have told me I was counting calories way to early in my journey - but for me, it is a way to make myself reconsider - I don't have myself on a "800" or any number per day diet. I have myself on a good choice lifestyle plan... Oreos are something I really craved for a while - and then I bought them, read the bag and realized there are SEVENTY FIVE calories PER COOKIE... needless to say that sealed their fate and I have never wanted another one! For me it is a numbers game - but I am number oriented, and this works for me.
Each of us has our methods of dealing with the demons that come along with obesity. Part of the WLS journey is to learn to battle them, and how to overcome the weaknesses - and we didn't gain the weight overnight, we may be able to lose it faster after WLS but it will never change our brains overnight...
Good luck! Keep venting - sometimes putting your thoughts down on paper makes them make sense in our minds, and gives us enough to get past the demons easier...
My best advice to you is to talk to your surgeon, and find a support system you can call on when you get the urge to eat something you know you shouldn't... I use a close friend and my husband - my husbands favorite line to me is "Is that going to p*** pouchy off?" and then I know I don't need it, usually it is enough to make me no longer want it... In reality very few things mess with pouchy enough to make me regret them...
For me, my deterrent is calories. Many have told me I was counting calories way to early in my journey - but for me, it is a way to make myself reconsider - I don't have myself on a "800" or any number per day diet. I have myself on a good choice lifestyle plan... Oreos are something I really craved for a while - and then I bought them, read the bag and realized there are SEVENTY FIVE calories PER COOKIE... needless to say that sealed their fate and I have never wanted another one! For me it is a numbers game - but I am number oriented, and this works for me.
Each of us has our methods of dealing with the demons that come along with obesity. Part of the WLS journey is to learn to battle them, and how to overcome the weaknesses - and we didn't gain the weight overnight, we may be able to lose it faster after WLS but it will never change our brains overnight...
Good luck! Keep venting - sometimes putting your thoughts down on paper makes them make sense in our minds, and gives us enough to get past the demons easier...
Angie
Nikki, I am so sorry you are having a rough patch. Food is every where we look no matter what. I keep thinking at some point we need to make peace with our food and it is so very hard to do. I think it is great you are going to therapy and I am sure that will help you solve some of the issues at hand. Please do not beat yourself up as we are all human and make many mistakes. I do not judge you or would I ever. We all have our food and weight issues. I really hope some bandsters can help you as I am no expert since I am still doing Weigh****chers to try and lose weight before surgery.
I wish I could help you more but I can tell you I will support and encourage you 100%. I wish I could hug you and wave a magic wand to take away your pain. I know that is wishful thinking. I am here for you and I will keep positive vibes coming your way.
Love,
Julie
Loser's visualize the penalties of failure. Winners visualize the rewards of success.
Mom I hope you rest in Peace knowing that you were loved and will be missed. Keep love alive in your
heart as I know I will. You are now an 
and I know you will be looking down on us from above......... I am OK.......
Mom I hope you rest in Peace knowing that you were loved and will be missed. Keep love alive in your
heart as I know I will. You are now an and I know you will be looking down on us from above......... I am OK.......
I agree with the other ladies on here in that it's a good thing to just vent when you need to. This is a great forum for finding empathetic supporters. One thing I've always struggled with in losing weight is the fact that I've felt so alone in te past. Yeah, losing weight is a simple formula of burning more than you consume, but is it that simple? I eat for reasons other than hunger, so I'm going to have a hard time making this adjustment myself. I'm going to need everyone on here so much.
This may be a "too simple to be effective" solution, but Weigh****chers (and I'm sure a bunch of other companies) make serving devices that make measuring and weighing a more integrated part of eating (ie: serving utensils in preset sizes). That always helped me a little bit when dieting because I too stress about weighing and measuring . I never seem to hit the "fullness" wall unless it's extreme. Bad Laura.
Anyway, maybe you should post some more of your victories on here! I'm sure we'd be falling all over oursleves to congratulate you! It may just be the positive reinforcement you need in rough times.
This may be a "too simple to be effective" solution, but Weigh****chers (and I'm sure a bunch of other companies) make serving devices that make measuring and weighing a more integrated part of eating (ie: serving utensils in preset sizes). That always helped me a little bit when dieting because I too stress about weighing and measuring . I never seem to hit the "fullness" wall unless it's extreme. Bad Laura.
Anyway, maybe you should post some more of your victories on here! I'm sure we'd be falling all over oursleves to congratulate you! It may just be the positive reinforcement you need in rough times.
Laura 
Thanks everyone for the support and suggestions. I really just needed to vent today. In the past week so many people have come up to me and were like wow you have lost alot of weight and ive turned around and said no I haven't basically.
But I truly have...60lbs is alot of weight no matter how long or short you lose it in. I guess my inside guilt and struggles with not being a good eater, not being a good exerciser and following 50% of the band rules make me feel like I am beyond defiant even though I have the chance to at least have surgery where so many haven't.
I do not intentionally want to sabatoge myself or my success. It's honestly very much like how alcoholic and drug addicts feel so much better after having a drink or a line - everything goes aways...they feel the stress just leave their bodies - I am the same way with food. I do feel I am a true food addict. I do not think all WLS people are food addicts but I know I am. In any addiction some people are stronger and others are more weak. I do well for awhile and then i start breaking down and falling prey to the addiction anyway I can. Perfect example an alcoholi can't have a drink but if mouthwash is available they get that desperate. Same for me...I can't down a large pizza anymore but I bet I'll find a good substitute.
It's very sad when I think of it in those terms. During one of my courses of treatment I was diagnosed with binge eating disorder and went through treatment the same way they were treating for anorexia or bulemia....imagine that - a fat person with an eating disorder - god NO - that is unheard of isn't it? It's like this god awful sickness you can't kick no matter how much help you have in different ways time and time again. You get better for a little while and then something happens and you go back and you are sick all over again.
I did not expect my lifelong battle to end with surgery, I just wanted it to get better. Hopefully with therapy and more fills it will. I have less than 5cc in my band so we are working on gradually increasing that so I don't get too tight and need an unfill.
I will continue to stay on top of my Dr. visits monthly to every other week if need be as well as my therapy but I am almost begging for a break from this mental anguish.
I'm slowly but sure also working other things out to focus on myself more so maybe that will help too.
I'll keep you all posted. Thanks for reading and replying.
XOXO
N
But I truly have...60lbs is alot of weight no matter how long or short you lose it in. I guess my inside guilt and struggles with not being a good eater, not being a good exerciser and following 50% of the band rules make me feel like I am beyond defiant even though I have the chance to at least have surgery where so many haven't.
I do not intentionally want to sabatoge myself or my success. It's honestly very much like how alcoholic and drug addicts feel so much better after having a drink or a line - everything goes aways...they feel the stress just leave their bodies - I am the same way with food. I do feel I am a true food addict. I do not think all WLS people are food addicts but I know I am. In any addiction some people are stronger and others are more weak. I do well for awhile and then i start breaking down and falling prey to the addiction anyway I can. Perfect example an alcoholi can't have a drink but if mouthwash is available they get that desperate. Same for me...I can't down a large pizza anymore but I bet I'll find a good substitute.
It's very sad when I think of it in those terms. During one of my courses of treatment I was diagnosed with binge eating disorder and went through treatment the same way they were treating for anorexia or bulemia....imagine that - a fat person with an eating disorder - god NO - that is unheard of isn't it? It's like this god awful sickness you can't kick no matter how much help you have in different ways time and time again. You get better for a little while and then something happens and you go back and you are sick all over again.
I did not expect my lifelong battle to end with surgery, I just wanted it to get better. Hopefully with therapy and more fills it will. I have less than 5cc in my band so we are working on gradually increasing that so I don't get too tight and need an unfill.
I will continue to stay on top of my Dr. visits monthly to every other week if need be as well as my therapy but I am almost begging for a break from this mental anguish.
I'm slowly but sure also working other things out to focus on myself more so maybe that will help too.
I'll keep you all posted. Thanks for reading and replying.
XOXO
N
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