Hopefully All Is Not Lost!

Well the past 10..yup I counted them TEN days for me have been off the charts.  My behavior has been horrible.  Everything from eating too fast, not chewing enough, sliming and PBing like everyday on something.  Not eating the right foods, overeating and indulging constantly on slider foods and so on and so on. Feeling like crap physically and mentally. 

I go today for a fill because I am HUNGRY and can keep eating. I'm nervous though.  Although I don't vomit profusely but I did once last week and it was a hurl and since then PBing and gagging when I am stuck or sliming.  I hope I have no done anything to my band.  

I'm pretty sure I will get a fluoro today because I've not been following the rules.  I know why but I dont know why!  I mean it all started when I got a taste of going out to eat and then I just started acting up after that! Bought all kinds of snack and this and that.  Most of its gone...because I ate it and now I am back on liquids after today until Friday - even longer if I slipped my band even slightly so please pray for me that I didn't do that!  

I've realized that these behaviors are a result of my relationship and mental issues with food which are not fixed with surgery!  I'm just abotu 2 months out and that is generally when I have my breaking point on a "diet".  

I've decided that I am going to make an effort as long as I can financially do it, to see the psych at the practice once month to focus soley on my food issues so I can stay on track.

I am very nervous to go today. VERY!  I hope it's just that I don't have much restriction and fill will do me good but I'm not sure I can handle any news telling me I screwed up already.  Bottom line is when I am hungry I am going to eat.  I have a significant disconnect with my new life versus the old me.  I can't do the damage in eating like I used to and not that I even really try, just sometimes I try to be normal and eat and well I end up overeating or not doing the things I am suppose to to help me not feel like crap in 5 minutes after I eat something that I am unsure of.  I'm in this - I'm not afraid to eat mode and yeah I am gonna try THAT! 

Most things I find that I have issue eating but special me keeps eating them at least for the moment.  Meaning if I served myself most times I wont just pitch it if its not working.  I have this empty plate syndrome meaning I have to clear it - more therapy here! And I have ridiculous issues with wasting food. 

I might have to stay on pureed food for awhile until I can get myself together.  I had a stuck golfball pain in my chest for about 4 hours yesterday. I know it's because I dont' chew.  I do chew more than I ever did but simply not enough.

I'm just hoping to get through today with no reprocussions and onto therapy tomorrow and get back on track! (sigh)

Nikki,

One thing that strikes me is that you say "just sometimes I try to be normal and eat".  You have to realize and come to terms with your "new normal" and leave that old perception behind.  I know that sometimes that's easier said than done, but it's imperative to your success.

I'm glad you are going to be seeing a counselor and good luck at your appointment!
Heather

(((Nikki)))

I'm really sorry you're in such turmoil and physical pain.  Regardless of the type of wls we have, it sometimes is difficult to wrap our heads around the new us, the new way of eating, drinking, etc.

I hope today's appointment goes well and that the therapist is able to provide some insight.

Hang in there!

Hugs,

Tia

Nikki, I am so sorry you are having trouble. Hold your head up and know no matter which diet we are on we all make mistakes. I know you can get back on track and we are all here for you. Don't beat yourself up as this will only make you eat more. I hope your band is ok and you can beat the demon. I have heard it is so hard to adjust to the new way of eating. You are really new at this give yourself a break.

 

                                                                                                Julie

Nikki - in my honest opinion, based on what is going on - I'm not sure if a fill is the answer, especially if you just got one a couple weeks ago.  When I got overfilled, for two weeks, I was sliming and PBing frequently no matter how I tried to eat slower and tinier bites. 

We deal alot with head hunger in this journey - the trick is to fight it off and know the difference.

The psych and the dietitian may be able to help you work through the head hunger issues. 

Good luck!!!!

Nikki it will all be okay honey. I just sent you a PM on Facebook. You can and WILL get through this phase............that is ALL IT IS (((Hugs)))

{{{{{{{{Nikki}}}}}}}}}}}}

I wish i had words of advice.  I don't.  Addiction is so hard.... is there anything else you can transfer your addictions to that are healthy?