A Very Serious Question......

I am the process of becoming a loser. I have two beautiful daughters, 16 & 13. My 16 year old can eat anything in sight and never out grow a size 3! My 13 is the exact opposite......she is like her momma! At 13, she weighs 209 pounds. She is struggling very hard to be happy for me, but I also see the green jealousy monster creeping out. I encourage her, exercise with her, and try to help her make better food choices, but nothing seems to help. Her weight is increasing by an average of 2 pounds a month. I am scared for her medically & mentally. I know there are not surgery options for a child so young, but I dont know what else to do! At 13, she has even joined Curves! She is sooooo depressed & her self worth/esteem are horribly low.
There is a part of me that is angry with myself, because I am having WLS.......and I dont want her to resent me......has anyone experienced this? Does anyone have any suggestions?
~heather

I think that my Sister went through some resentment when Mom had her surgery - she would have been about 15 at the time, and, Sis, unfortunately, lost the "genetic fishing pool game" when the fat genes were dispersed - (we have another sis, who I think was greedy with the good jeans - naturally a size 2-4...at almost 6 ft.  brat.).

Anyway - Mom remained supportive of her throughout her weight loss tries.  She supported Dr. approved diet programs, exercise, encouraged her to do sports.  And, she eventually was Sis's biggest supporter when she went through her weight loss surgery at 25.  Now, Sis looks great and is much healthier at a size 6! ... and, she and Mom have really bonded even closer over the support they give each other.

I think that Mom struggled with guilt that Sis was being "left behind" - but, she also knew that she couldn't do her best to get Sis healthy if she wasn't healthy herself.

I'm the oldest sister in the chain, and already have weight concerns about my 5 year old.  Nurse Kathy (Dr. Singh's office) said something at pre-op class to the group, that I think is hard to admit (at least it was for me) to myself - but, I think is probably true for most.  That is that much of what has caused my daughter's early weight issues is that I buy food "for her" - that is really junk food, and really is for me (I feel the need for it - not her!).  Unfortunately, when I get it out because I want to eat it - she eats it too!!!!

So - I know my kiddo is younger - but, something that I have been shocked at how well it has worked for us is the "Eat this not that " books.  I bought it (the one for Kids) at Target.  If the food was on the "not that" - I got rid of it from my pantry.  Now, I shop from the book.  Its even nice to shop with her, because the pictures of the products in the book allow me to let her choose from acceptable choices things she would like to buy.

Don't know how much help this is - but, I guess, at least it is good to know about others of us out there with concerns about 2nd (and with me and my daughter) 3rd generations with weight issues).

Just keep fighting!!!

BTW....has she been to the doctor to see if there is any medical reason why the weight gain?  How about a food journal?  If I were doing this for my daughter I'd make an appt. with a doc, and keep like a 2 week food journal for her before I go.  Then - leave there with a referral for her for a nutritionist or a endocrinologist, maybe both!  Maybe a way for her to get help at the same time - just a different kind of help!

Wishing you and you daughter success beating this!

First off--CONGRATULATIONS to you. You really need to separate the two issues so you don't have some sort of unconscious sabotage happen later.

Ahh, she sounds just like me at that age. I always battled my weight--from probably 9-10 years old. Went to Nutrisystem at 11. In hindsight I have said I wish that my parents would have immersed me in activities and taken the focus off food. I don't mean formal exercise sessions. I mean sports she would enjoy--tennis, swimming, hiking, roller skating, ice skating. Maybe have her write a list of all the physically active things she enjoys. Just ways to keep her moving several times per week. I'd also sit down and ask her how you can help her. Of course you need to explain that it has to be within reason, but maybe she will have a simple request like not telling her how much you are losing every week (not saying you do, but just as an example).

I also have heard of people having great success when they involve kids in the meal making process. Tell her she is in charge of one meal a week. Get a recipe book and tell her to pick out one thing she wants to make. Then she gets to do the list to shop and does the prep (with moms help of course) and gets to make it. If that goes well, maybe expand it to two nights. If she hates it then it's onto the next thing.

I'd also strongly suggest finding her a counselor. Someone to talk to about all of the issues that come with being a heavy teen and of course to have a neutral third party to vent to about your issues with her. 

I'm actually tearing up writing this right now because it is such a hard thing to deal with and I feel such compassion for children with weight issues and such tremendous pity for their parents. It is SO hard. I'll pray for you both. Hang in there.

Best to you both!!

Denise

Denise,

I agree so much with this - and to avoid the issues that you had - what you have suggested is exactly what I do with my 5 year old.

She's got about 10 pounds to "lose" (or, to grow into....Doc doesn't agree with weight loss at her age).  So, her weekly routine is Gymnastics, Swimming, Irish Step Dance, and Soccer/Basketball whatever seasonal sport I have her in.  In runs us ragged , but her health is too important.

My kiddo goes to Teelin school for Irish Dance - and there is a girl who is big in one of the classes there - she dances beautifully, that has to be a confidence builder for her, AND, all that jumping has to help her with weight!  Aren't summer swim teams forming now?  She's 13 - going into HS?  How about trying out for a sports team?  My HS Girls' Field Hockey team always had trouble fielding a JV squad - so anyone who committed made it.  I had a friend who from 8th to 9th grade dropped a tremendous amount of weight, all based on that she joined the field hockey team, and all the practices she had to attend. PLUS, and I think this was huge, all the friends she made on the team really built her confidence - they were a great support system.  (Seems counter-intuitive for teenage girls - but the coaches see to it that it happens in team sports).

So sorry to hear what you went through - but, thank you for telling us!  Stories like that just steel me to make sure that I won't do what I did to myself, to my kid!