Some Ponderings

As I go on my journey, I look back to the times when I was pre-op and I was so afraid of people judging me on the way I looked and always afraid of making myself look like a fool in front of a crowd because of my body.  I ran away from the "scene" and locked myself up in my home for a few years.  Not going anywhere or doing anything and keeping out of sight.  Just go to work and come home.  I got comfortable with that.  Too comfortable. 

Now that I'm ready to throw myself back out into the mix and get out of the house more often, those fears are coming back to haunt me.  Afraid of rejection....afraid of the attention I would get.....afraid of making myself look like an idiot because of body issues.  I want to be social again but there's these nagging thoughts holding me back.  Have I gotten too comfortable with being alone?  I haven't been in the scene for about 5 years now.  Maybe I need to see a shrink about this.

Anyone else go through something like this?

I isolated myself for 7 years so I know where you are coming from. Now that I actually feel good I am getting out more and the people on this board have helped that so much! As for a shrink, I think for anyone going through what we are going through, they are invaluable if only for someone to talk to who won't react. I think if it weren't for my therapist I wouldn't be where I am today. I think it's normal to be scared but that shouldn't stop you from making the necessary changes you need. Support from people who understand is vital and we are here for you but a professional would probably be best!

Aaron I think we all go thru this :  Where preop I never went out at all - now I am
putting myself out there more.  And it is really scary - but this is totally normal.

And as for a therapist -  mine was/is invaluable.  Even though I have not seen
her in a month or so I know I can pick up the phone and say I need to talk
and she will be there for me.  Also as we all know we are therapist to each
other here on the board-  no where else could I have found such great cheerleaders-
ass kickers when I need it and most importantly friends who accept me for who I am.

 Maybe I need to see a shrink about this.

Good advice to yourself!!  And I don't mean that to sound trite - as our bodies change, so do our emotions, our perception of ourselves, our observations of other people's perceptions of us, etc.  It can be really overwhelming and although you know we're here for you to vent, we're not professionals. 

I, too, isolated myself - but from the dating scene.  I was convinced that no matter how well I dressed, how nicely I applied my makeup, did my hair, etc., all any man was going to see was fat.  And that was because that's all *I* saw.  And still see, sadly.  Therapy DOES help (as do the happy pills), but it takes a lot of time, healing and looking inward.

I never let my weight issues stop me from having a good time with my friends and usually was NOT uncomfortable in any social situations unless it involved the opposite sex.  I put up walls and used my fat as a comfort zone - if somebody didn't approach me (in my mind) because I was fat, well, then I couldn't get hurt.  Sadly, being alone hurts - be it from friends, family or the opposite sex. 

But then I realized that Garth Brooks was right, "I could've missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance." 

You have to take baby steps, honey.  I honestly think that the first step is for you to find a good therapist who *gets* wls patients.  Even if it means coming to Pikesville to see Ranesa.  And then you and I can hang out!!  Yes, an ulterior motive!!  I know what a GIANT step it was for you to seek medical intervention - now continue taking care of yourself.  The rest will fall into place - maybe not as quickly as you would hope, but again, baby steps.

You're creating a wonderful new life for yourself.  In the process, you've acquired LOTS of admirers, all of whom love you and want you to be happy.  *I* want you to be happy and healthy and around a long time to pull me off the ledge!!!

I am so blessed to have you in my life!!!

Love you,

Tia

Aaron:
I agree with you.  I have taken myself  "out of things" for my entire life.  Always being worried about what someone else will think of me or the way that I look.  I've missed out on so many things.  I did things, but they were always with my group of friends and then I was mostly the "purse holder."  I still have issues with this, but I'm going to try to do more things and not care about what other people think.  I'm going to do one thing at a time and put myself out there.  Tomorrow night I'm going to Zumba and shake my behind.  I'm going to shake like I've never shook before, I don't care if I do it wrong, but I have made a committment to myself to do it.  Try little things.  Like talking to someone in the line at the grocery store or gas station.  It makes me feel good now that people are responding to me and not just to the fat.  Realize that you have a lot to offer people.  They will benefit from knowing you.

Love ya!!!

Aaron,

Everyone has spoken the truth and I cannot improve upon it. There are so many experiences in our pasts that have shaped the person we are today. Each little incident that hurt our feelings, caused us pain, or embarrassed us caused us to develop behaviors to protect and insulate ourselves. Now, as the element that we deemed to be the cause of our unhappiness, our bodies, are changing, we dare to hope that we may be able to let down our guard and try things again.

I think this is an ongoing and long process. We have to be willing to try. We have to recognize that there will still be times that we may get hurt, because people are all different and not everyone will get along the same. We have to accept that that is OK and part of life. And through all of this, we have to remember our worth does not come from the package we are in, but from who we are inside. We are worthy of pursuing and achieving happiness, whatever that means to each of us. All of this is no easy task. We will be working on this for the rest of our lives.

This vacation that I am so looking forward to is a step I have to take. I am worried because I will be totally out in the open in a bathing suit. I conquered my fear of this at the gym last year and now I am going to take the next step and do it totally out in the open in Florida. For me, I want to do things because I want the experience, because I enjoy doing these things, not because of what someone may think of the way I look. I stil lhave body issues, although I do feel much better about myself than I used to. I refuse to let my perception of what people may think deprive me of doing things that I want to do.

I feel like I have become a bit preachy and I almost deleted this message. I have decided to post it anyway. I hope you will understand that I don't have all of the answers either. This is just the way I am looking at things. I will stumble and fall back on my old insecurities, but I have to keep moving forward anyway.

Debbie

you shake that booty!!!

Aaron,

As I turned 40 this summer, I look back and realize I have somewhat only existed in this life and not really "lived"......Enjoy life and don't be afraid to face it head on no matter what.....each new thing you do is one step closer to happiness.....

I cannot wait for my surgery to give me the tool to change my life....then everyone better watch out!!!!LOL.....i have lots to make up for.....


Melissa

(raises hand)  Me!  I am seeing a therapist to work through these fears.  The safety zone has gotten comfortable. 

Oh I'm glad you responded!  Since I still work in Frederick, do you know of any good therapists that are WLS/gay friendly?