I am Going Backwards instead of Forward

I do not know what is wrong with me, instead of maintaining the weight I lost, which I will say has not been much, I have gained it back and am eating things I was not even interested in eating beforehand, and I can not stop it. 

I have not even had my surgery and I feel like I am failing. 

My first appointment was in June so I have been doing this now 3 months, I just recently finished all the testing and my package is probably ready to send to my insurance and I feel like I am sabatoging myself. 

I have been to the support meetings and spending time here and when I do I feel like I can do anything and then I hit the wall.  I have two pieces of exercise equipment in front of television and have not used them.  They told me that it would be helpful if I could lose some weight before surgery because it just makes it easier and I  have not done it. 

Is there anyone out there that felt committed enough to want this surgery and then fell apart but managed to get back on track?
All I can say is .

Tomorrow is another support session at St. Agnes, I will be there, but I have started to question whether I am committed to this upcoming change and if I have not been able to even keep off the weight I did lose, how much of a successful patient will I be.

I know I want this, I am tired of how things are.  Please friends give me some advice and if you see me tomorrow a swift you know what, you know where.  I need prayers!
Terri F.

Nope, no kick in the butt, Terri, because we've ALL been there.

This pre-op stage is frustrating - you want everything to happen NOW, and when you slide backward, you wonder, like you're doing, how this is EVER going to work for you.  It will, because you'll be given a powerful tool.  Since it IS just a tool, you need to work it, and working your tool will be a lifelong process.  Never will the day come when you can just eat whatever you want, with no thought of its protein content, etc.

Would you mind sharing a typical day's menu with us?  Maybe we can help you with that.  Are you tracking everything you eat?  Remember - YOU BITE IT, YOU WRITE IT.  How about your water intake?  Maybe the daily Feedbag post will help you - you'll see that eventually, you'll eat "normally," which could be a reason for eating things you don't normally eat - maybe you're afraid that your relationship with food is going to end?

Hang in there!  This journey is NOT easy, but neither is being overweight.  All of your hard work WILL be worth it, and you CAN do it, I promise!

Hugs,

Tia

Terri,

Tia gives some very good advice and I want to add some encouragement as well. When I was pre-op, I went through something I called "last meal syndrome". This is separate from the "last meal" you have right before surgery. Everytime I saw something that I knew I would not be able to have post-op, I would eat it. I said to myself, this may be the last time I have this. Or this might be the last time that I have that. Because of this behavior, my weight loss pre-surgery definitely slowed down and even went up at times.

The whole thing is very overwhelming. Perhaps, it might be helpful if you take just one thing at a time. Take one thing you know you have to do for your future and resolve to change it. The first thing I tried was giving up carbonation and replaced it with the post op fluids goal.  I gave myself a little time before I added on something else. if you do it one piece at a time, you will be building in the change gradually.

Talking to others, which you are already doing is also a good thing. Go to as many support groups as you can. A counselor may also be helpful. This whole eating thing is very complex. We do this to ourselves over time. So the remedy will also take time.

I have faith you will make it. Please have faith in yourself too!

Debbie

Thanks Tia and Debbie.  I was journaling my food that first month and did it every day, then I cut out carbohydrates, that lasted a  month, started eating protein versus other foods tht lasted a month,  and since the beginning of October  I have started back to eating breads, etc.  I did start drinking only water and cut out any soda, although I have only been a once in awhile soda drinker.  I still have not been able to control myself with my portions.  I am having the most difficult time there, I tried using smaller plate, all I did there is fill it twice.  I am doing exactly what Debbie said everything I see I say, oh, this is going to be the last time I eat it and go overboard.  I wish I could give you a daily feed bag entry but it would make no sense to anyone since I have not changed  my eating habit, for example, I will start out the day with oatmeal and coffee, then a couple of hard boiled eggs and a cheese stick and some crackers then an apple, then too much of whatever I fixed for dinner, then the next day since I screwed  up the night before, I will npt pay attention to any of it and eat whatever I can find.  Oh, I am not going to be very good tomorrow when I go to support meeting, I even wanted to blow that off but I had asked my sister-in-law to take me since hubby is otherwise occupied and I told her a few minutes ago we were not going and she laid into me and said no way was I not going.  So I will be there.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I agree with Tia! Listen to her honey. I hope you get back on track soon. ~Jilly~

Terri, DITTO to what Tia and Deb said, but on top of that remember, if you could do this on your own without a "tool" (ie: bypass, band, sleeve, etc) you wouldn't be here looking for support.  You don't get a swift kick anywhere!  You get a big cyber hug and a pat on the back!  Posting here is straight accountability!  Do the best you can pre-op and as soon as you have your surgery you will do just great because you will have your tool to keep you going! 

Terri,

I have to agree with everyone here.  We have all been there, done that!  Don't be so hard on yourself.  I did great until the last week before surgery.  I gained 8 or 9 pounds in my last 6 days before surgery.  I was definitely out of control.  The surgery will definitely put the brakes on.  Then it seems like your mindset changes so you can use this wonderful gift you will be given.

Believe in yourself.  Your OH family believes in you.

On our way ... ... to a better life.

'Worry looks around,
 Sorry looks back, 
 Faith looks up.'

Thank you all so much, I needed your support I am going to start journaling again.  I will be a the support meeting at St. Agnes tomorrow.  I am going to stop beating myself up and understand that I need the surgery, I will get the surgery, I will be successful!

Terri,

I totally agree with everyone's reply to you. I just want you to know that we have all been there and we totally understand.  I am glad you posted. We are here for you.

Big hugs to you!!!

Terri-

You wouldn't be having surgery if you could successfully diet on your own for long periods of time. 

As strange and unbelievable as it sounds, I have to force myself to eat now.  And I am not good at it.  I also go to restaurants and look at my dining companions plates and think "Holy ****! How can they eat that much? How could I have eaten that much and more before?"

The other day my dad got some peanut M&M's, which are my favorite candy.  So I had one (I read the nutritional info and estimated 1 to be about 1 gram of sugar).  And then I was done.  My desire was fulfilled, it tasted delicious and I didn't need more.  Before surgery I could have seriously sat down and ate one of those entire bags (not the kind at the checkout, the BIG kind in the candy aisle) and not even been full.

Surgery really does change things. You'll be fine!