The Great Debate
Wow - wish I had all day to type on this one.
But here is my opinion, in a nutshell.
My father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in Nov 04. The mass was 3.7 cm, wrapped around the head of the pancreas, when it was found. That means NO hope. They said they could try to do chemo to shrink it just so he wasn't in so much pain, but the one round he went through put him right into the hospital. From day one we knew what was happening, and that it would be fast. My father was the most fantastic man God ever created (sorry guys...) and he delt with this the way he handled everything in life, with grace and consideration for others. We talked openly about everything that was going on, ever decision that was made was discussed, and yes, it got to a point when I sat with my dad and told him that we would be ok, that we would take care of mom, and that none of us could stand to see him suffer any more. He died 9 weeks from diagnosis, with about 50 pounds lost in that time period. (we actually joked about it taking that diagnosis for there to be a skinny person in our family...)
Telling him we would be ok, and that we wanted him to stop being in pain for us, was the best thing we could have done for him. He died peacefully, with all of us around him, and when he died, his mouth formed a little smile, and he took his last breath with a smile on his face. So I guess we did something right.
But here is my opinion, in a nutshell.
My father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in Nov 04. The mass was 3.7 cm, wrapped around the head of the pancreas, when it was found. That means NO hope. They said they could try to do chemo to shrink it just so he wasn't in so much pain, but the one round he went through put him right into the hospital. From day one we knew what was happening, and that it would be fast. My father was the most fantastic man God ever created (sorry guys...) and he delt with this the way he handled everything in life, with grace and consideration for others. We talked openly about everything that was going on, ever decision that was made was discussed, and yes, it got to a point when I sat with my dad and told him that we would be ok, that we would take care of mom, and that none of us could stand to see him suffer any more. He died 9 weeks from diagnosis, with about 50 pounds lost in that time period. (we actually joked about it taking that diagnosis for there to be a skinny person in our family...)
Telling him we would be ok, and that we wanted him to stop being in pain for us, was the best thing we could have done for him. He died peacefully, with all of us around him, and when he died, his mouth formed a little smile, and he took his last breath with a smile on his face. So I guess we did something right.
I have to agree with what everyone has said. As hard as it is for us who will remain behind, it is the loving thing to do. This is especially true when the loved one has already fought valiantly before arriving at this point. I think it is a much more difficult decision when the person is in a comma because of a brain injury and unable to speak for themselves. While it is rare, you hear stories from time to time about people making miraculous recoveries from these things. I think it is much harder to let go in these cir****tances.
I greatly admire and respect those who love enough to grant this release to their loved ones.
I greatly admire and respect those who love enough to grant this release to their loved ones.
Jen,
What a coincidence that you brought this topic up. This past weekend, I had a pool tournament in Philly and a good friend of mine, an older man - maybe 61 - came up to talk to me. I knew he had been battling cancer for a couple years now and has had his good moments, as well as bad times. As I was getting ready to leave the pool hall, he came up to me to give me a hug (I hadn't seem him in about a year) and shake my hand. I obviously asked him how his health was and he told me he was going to start chemotherapy again. He shakes my hand again, pulls me close to him and says "Andy, I can't do this anymore. I'm done. The fight is over." I said to him, "Hugh, don't talk like that. I know you've been through hell, but you can't quit the fight." He said if it weren't for his grandchildren, he would've ended it all a while ago. I'm afraid that may have been the last time I ever talked to him. It's sad, but I don't have a clue as to how much pain he's been in, or what it's like going through chemo pretty much nonstop for two years. On a selfish side, I don't want to see him quit the fight he's fought so strongly for two years now. Then again, I don't have to live his life, so I couldn't imagine what he goes through each and every day.
What a coincidence that you brought this topic up. This past weekend, I had a pool tournament in Philly and a good friend of mine, an older man - maybe 61 - came up to talk to me. I knew he had been battling cancer for a couple years now and has had his good moments, as well as bad times. As I was getting ready to leave the pool hall, he came up to me to give me a hug (I hadn't seem him in about a year) and shake my hand. I obviously asked him how his health was and he told me he was going to start chemotherapy again. He shakes my hand again, pulls me close to him and says "Andy, I can't do this anymore. I'm done. The fight is over." I said to him, "Hugh, don't talk like that. I know you've been through hell, but you can't quit the fight." He said if it weren't for his grandchildren, he would've ended it all a while ago. I'm afraid that may have been the last time I ever talked to him. It's sad, but I don't have a clue as to how much pain he's been in, or what it's like going through chemo pretty much nonstop for two years. On a selfish side, I don't want to see him quit the fight he's fought so strongly for two years now. Then again, I don't have to live his life, so I couldn't imagine what he goes through each and every day.
"No matter how hard life may get, no matter how many curveballs you are thrown, keep in mind, if you want to succeed - QUITTING IS NOT AN OPTION"!!!
Jen, first and foremost, I'm so sorry that your family is going through this.
I think it's important to let the person know that you are ok with losing them. Let them know how much they have meant, and how much you will miss them, but that it's OK to go when they need to. But, that being said, you need to believe it too. My mother was only 68 when she had a heart attack almost 4 years ago. They were unable to revive her in time to give her a meaningful chance at recovery of brain function. Her heart would have rebounded, most likely, but not her brain. One of the things that I told her was that it was OK to go because we knew that she wanted to be with her parents, and that as long as her parents said it was ok, than it was ok with us too. I personally think she heard me, although obviously I will never know. But, one thing I knew for sure was that I didn't want her to suffer at all. If the doctors had given us any reason to believe it was worth a fight, we'd have let her fight. But, once they determined that there was no reason to fight we had no trouble making the decision to let go.
As tough as this subject is, I thank you for bringing it up. I needed the chance to let go of some emotions!
If your family hasn't already done so, you should research Hospice. They are an amazing group of people who will not only be of great help to your granddad, but to your whole family. You all are in my positive thoughts and prayers!
I think it's important to let the person know that you are ok with losing them. Let them know how much they have meant, and how much you will miss them, but that it's OK to go when they need to. But, that being said, you need to believe it too. My mother was only 68 when she had a heart attack almost 4 years ago. They were unable to revive her in time to give her a meaningful chance at recovery of brain function. Her heart would have rebounded, most likely, but not her brain. One of the things that I told her was that it was OK to go because we knew that she wanted to be with her parents, and that as long as her parents said it was ok, than it was ok with us too. I personally think she heard me, although obviously I will never know. But, one thing I knew for sure was that I didn't want her to suffer at all. If the doctors had given us any reason to believe it was worth a fight, we'd have let her fight. But, once they determined that there was no reason to fight we had no trouble making the decision to let go.
As tough as this subject is, I thank you for bringing it up. I needed the chance to let go of some emotions!
If your family hasn't already done so, you should research Hospice. They are an amazing group of people who will not only be of great help to your granddad, but to your whole family. You all are in my positive thoughts and prayers!
Hugs!
Kathy
Kathy
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