Off to meet my personal trainer!
This "joke" was sent to me awhile ago..Im glad I saved it..I think you will enjoy this one...
Dear Diary...
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband
(the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health
club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my
high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to
go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My husband (the dear) seemed pleased with my enthusiasm
to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of
bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to
find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god -
with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
He took my pulse after five minutes on the
treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast,
but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit.
I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics
class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the
whole time he was around.
This is going to be a fantastic week!!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally
made it out the door.
Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron
bar into the air - then he put weights on it!
My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made
it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's s a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying
the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back
and forth over it.
I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as
long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in
the club parking lot.
Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster.
Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and
enjoy life. He mumbled some other stuff too.
Thursday:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.
I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to
tie my shoes.
Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was
not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me,
then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine which I sank.
Friday:
I hate that ******* Bruce more than any human
being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't t have any triceps!
And if he doesn't want dents in the floor, he shouldn't have handed me
the *&%#(#&**!!@* barbells or anything that weighs more than a
sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in
his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.
Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my
planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote
and ended up catching eleven straight hours
of the Weather Channel.
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.
I will also pray that next year my husband (the *******)
will choose a gift for me that is fun -
like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
"Taking life with a grain of salt, a wedge of lime and a shot of tequila"
I am who I am and accept my feelings wholeheartedly.
Those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind.
Cira 249/144.0 current/goal 154/ 5'3" 10 lbs below my Dr's goal
