I am not happy.

On Wednesday I will be 8 weeks out from my RNY.  I've only lost 70lbs so far.  That sounds good in theory, but in the first 2 weeks I lost 50.  So in the past 6 weeks I've lost 20.  I can not eat meat whatsoever.  I vomit a lot.  I still miss food.  Desperately.

I try to remind myself of the good things that have happened due to surgery, like the fact that I no longer use my wheelchair unless I am doing a big shopping trip at Walmart or something.  I can stand up to take showers now (I used to have to use a shower chair).  I walked my dog for a short walk the other day for the first time in over 2 years (don't worry, my husband is the one who walks the dogs).  I can get dressed by myself, take care of more personal care things by myself, etc.  My ass fits in chairs with arms now (like at doctor's offices).  I don't have diabetes anymore.

But stuff still sucks, like I'm still fat, my back still hurts (which is why I used the wheelchair), my lymphedema is better, but still so bad that I cannot wear regular shoes, which means I cannot go on job interviews or anything (I had to quit my job a year ago because my back was so bad I couldn't manage anymore.)

Plus I have such a hard time eating.  I want delicious food.  Tonight my little brother graduated from HS, and we went out to a seafood restaurant after.  I ordered soup.  It was gross.  I had about 3 bites.  Then about 1 "normal person" sized bite of my mom's crab cake and 1 of my brother's french fries.  I've been on the verge of vomiting since.  I barely ate anything.  At home, I measure my food and I usually can't even eat 2 oz. worth.  I've decided to give up meat, because it always makes me vomit (and yes, I take very small bites and chew it well).  But that is where the protein is.  I try to eat cheese, nuts, yogurt (but not Greek, because even though everyone seems to love it, it tastes awful to me) protein bars, etc.  I cannot stomach protein shakes.  I cannot stomach most vitamins (Bariatric Advantage, Tropical Oasis).  So I'm taking Flintstones now, which gross me out, but I can get them down and I figure they are better than nothing.  I bought Citrical Petites.  What a freaking LIE.  They are huge horse pills.  I have to cut them up into 4 pieces.  Plus my other pills, I have to take 9 pill pieces a day.  I have to spread them out because I feel sick if I take them too close together.  But I can never seem to get them all in.  I cannot take the Prevacid solutabs, they make me want to vomit just thnking about them.  I told Dr. Moein and he told me I complain too much.  Which I suppose I do.  But not because I want to. I want to be able to take all of this stuff with ease and eat well, but I can't.  I'm tired of it. 

I still crave "real" food.  I was so sad tonight because I couldn't eat the bread before dinner.  My brother had chicken fingers and they looked so delicious.  I'd kill to just eat a turkey sandwich or a salad.  So I've resorted to taking a bite of my husband's food every once in a while and then chewing it up and spitting it out. So I'm at a loss.  I constantly thinking I've ruined my life because I am so miserable all of the time.  I have to make myself throw up at least once a week, because if I don't, the food that didn't sit well will make me feel awful for upwards of 8 hours. I do have an appointment with Ranessa McNally on June 4.  I am hoping she can help me with at least my feelings about wanting food so much.  But more complaining - I live in Bel Air, so it is certainly not convenient. Ok, enough venting and ranting and raving for me for one night.

I hope you like Ranessa and she can offer you support as you go through this major change in your life.  You are grieving your relationship with food.  Ranessa can help you learn other ways to feel good without food being the focus.  But you will find your way and soon you will be so happy you had the surgery.  According to the GBMC progam, at only 2 mos out it's pretty early to be trying to eat meat unless it's pureed or with some sauce or dressing to help it go through the stoma.  I have a close friend who is postop at GBMC and at 5 months and still cannot eat chicken without throwing it right back up.  Eventually though you should be able to eat some meats if you take tiny bites and chew really well.   You are right, you have a long list already at only two months out of positive changes in your life.  That's amazing you already got rid of your diabetes and the shower chair!  To me, the vitamin pills are worth it if that means renewed health and mobility.  Keep focusing on what's goign well.  You are not alone.  Take care,

I can empathize with your troubles believe me. Just keep trying though. I know it is hard but you don't want to end up sicker. I couldn't tolerate any of the protein shakes but I've been able to do the protein bullets (don't taste the best but if you refrigerate them they go down smoother) I do half at 1 time usually. I couldn't eat more than 2 oz for the first 6 months every time I tried more than that i vomited. Now at 10 months out as of today I can get about 4-5. My nut and doc call for me to be eating 6-7 oz but I just can't and thats okay. Just keep trying. Have you tried tuna salad on some whole wheat crackers maybe?? Chicken salad also does a lil easier for me. It's really a hit or miss situation something may not do well with your new pouch now but it will do better in 2 weeks. You really must make yourself eat though it's critical to your healing. I had a lot of issues with vomiting for the first 8 months, it's slowly gotten better but I still have days where I don't keep anything down at all. I had a PICC line with TPN for 2 months and a feeding tube for 7 and believe me you don't want that. Have they scoped you to make sure there is no ulcer or stricture?? Have you taken Phenergan or any anti nausea meds? Keep your head up! Believe me i KNOW it's hard to stay positive when you feel awful but it does get better.

You are still so early out. I think I ate soups for months. I still prefer them to most regular type meals. Crab cakes and friens have way too many carbs at this point. The mixers for them are what may have made you ill. Try cream of crab soup. I loved it! I hope you are feelign better soon.

Thanks everyone.  I do always make sure to put sauces on meats, but it doesn't help.  Tuna salad works okay sometimes, but I can't even think of chicken salad.  The thought of chicken just turns me off, even though chicken used to be one of my favorite foods.   As for the crab cake, I just picked out the pieces of crab (it had nice big lumps).  I didn't eat much of the other stuff.  I figured the french fry would be okay because it was only 1 and I've had mashed potatoes and potatoes in soup which were fine with me.  The soup I ordered actually WAS cream of crab, but they put cloves/cinnamon/nutmeg in it and it was disgusting.  It got passed around the table and everyone agreed it was gross.  Otherwise I wouldn't have tried their food. I went to a cookout the next day and ate a deviled egg, some cheddar cheese and strawberries and did fine.  Today we went to my ILs for dinner and I had half a shrimp that was in shrimp salad, about 2 bites of crab cake, and a bite of potato salad.  I did fine again.  Later everyone got snowballs and I got a sugar free one with a little dollop of marshmallow on top.  It was heaven! I don't like the protein bullets.  I've tried them.  But today I took a bottle of ready to drink Isopure in Alpine Punch (fruit punch) and put a stick of Crystal Light fruit punch mix in it.  I was able to drink 1/4 of it, which is about 10 grams of protein.  I didn't try it until a little while ago.  I guess if I start early in the day I could drink nearly a whole one (40 grams of protein). I haven't had a scope to check for strictures or ulcers.  Dr. Moein didn't think it sounded like I needed one. I haven't taken anti nausea meds because when I get sick from eating I can't even drink water.  Drinking water when I feel like that makes me get severe pain in my pouch.  Plus I'd really rather throw up and get the food out.  I usually feel better then.